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I've always been a bit of a worrier. That sentence could be the understatement of the year. I have been gifted with an overactive imagination, coupled with a propensity towards gloom and doom. This fatalistic creativity has led me to be a bit, ahem, DELUSIONALLY PARANOID, when it comes to the health of my children.
As a therapist, I get the gift of being able to diagnose my own mental illness, yet not always the objectivity to treat it. I know that my thinking is often irrational, and I know that it stems from some traumatic events in my own life. Specifically, I had several miscarriages before adoptiong my son, and then his own adoption nearly disrupted. I spent several years feeling like every child we had was destined to be taken away from us. I still struggle with that thought.
I know that my situation is unique, but I think many of us share some crippling fears about the health and development of our children. Since mine were born, I have stressed over every minor illness and/or deviation from the "typical" developmental milestones. I will also confess that I have spent a ridiculous amount of time googling symptons, and sobbing at the computer as I diagnose rare and deadly diseases that I am sure my child has. Light colored poop? Must be liver failure. A fever and a rash? Sounds like smallpox. Since my kids were born, I have been convinced that they were afflicted with:
spinal meningitis (bad fever)
malaria (too many mosquito bites on a mission trip)west nile virus (we went to Mexico and then they caught a bug) autism (my two year old is ignoring me!) sensory processing disorder (why is she covering her ears at that noise??) hepatitis A (tan poop) measles (a rash!) mumps (a rash!) rubella (another rash!) torticolis (head fell to same side when sleeping) hydrocephaly (genitically large cranium) intestinal failure (too much food in the poop) heart defect (feet turned blue when cold)
This list could go on, but I'll spare you the WebMD details Suffice it to say, none of the self-diagnosed afflictions turned out to be accurate. The only accurate malady in this family: Anxiety Disorder, Motherhood Induced.
My anxiety is something I may always deal with, but I am trying hard not to "go there" each time a kid is sick. For one, I try to stay away from the internet and talk to an actual doctor about their symptoms. Novel idea, right? I also try to talk about my fears, out loud, to another real person. Because I find that when I say this delusional stuff out loud, even I can hear how crazy I sound. But most of all, I try to practice a little New Testament wisdom:
"Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you." (Phillipians 4:8)
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:25)
I have heard these verses all my life, and while they seem simple, as a parent, I find them very difficult to apply. In my head, I know that worrying will not change the future any more than Oprah can. I know that my energy would be better spent in prayer and enjoying the moment with my children. I know that worry distracts me from the present and causes me to grieve for losses that probably won't even occur. But moving this knowledge from my head to my heart may be a lifelong journey for me as a mom.
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Comments
Thanks for sharing what all of us as parents and/or grandparents have felt at some time. As I have explored my own thinking and feelings in this arena, it comes to a trust in God...not a trust that he will not allow anything bad to happen to my kids or grandkids, but that if he does allow that he is still a good God and is working for their good and my good. That's hard for me to deal with. And although there is a whole book of the Bible devoted to dealing with it, we don't like to discuss it.
You have already experienced heartbreak that I will never know as a man, so I write this with a great deal of respect for where you're coming from. But I think we have to let go of our kids and grandkids (I haven't yet, but I'm trying). What God does with them is going to be a good thing, whatever it turns out to be.
Again, thanks for sharing.
I struggle very much with similar anxiety, though mine is more driven by horrific stories in the media of things that happen/people do to children. It's a real area of trust for me - learning to trust that God is who he says he is, learning to trust that he does in fact love my children more than I ever could. And it's accepting the fact that ultimately he may allow trauma in their lives, but that does not void his character or his words. I think it might take me my whole life to let go and believe when it comes to my children, but I'm working on it.