Every so often, in New York City or elsewhere, I notice a family group that appears to be a blended family or a parent and child with the parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend.   I am always curious about their experience, what it’s like to be in their position.   In a train station, I recently noticed a woman and man with, I presume, the man’s young daughter.   The little girl resembled the man and not the woman.   Neither adult wore a wedding ring.   The woman was well groomed, very fit, and wore stylish clothes and high heels.   As the little girl prattled on, the woman listened attentively, making frequent eye contact with the little girl,   while the father looked on with an expression combining caution and need.   I imagine that the girl’s mother probably didn’t have such a nice haircut, and she probably wasn’t as fit as this woman.    The mother probably wears simple shoes that can be worn to the office or to the playground.   She wouldn’t need to be making constant eye contact with the little girl, because the little girl would be making frequent eye contact and physical contact with her.   All of the characters in this vignette have extremely difficult roles to play, but the step-parent or potential step-parent has the least understood role, and faces unique challenges, including the following:   

1. The step-parent’s very presence is a constant reminder of the parents’ conflicts.   There is sadness, perhaps regrets, and unresolved issues over the divorce, or death of a parent.
2. A step-parent rarely has the power that a parent has, and must therefore learn to acquiesce to the biological parent’s views, even if the step-parent has more familiarity with the issue at hand.
3. A step-parent rarely receives a step-child’s affection, and finds it very difficult to maintain the trust and love of the step-child.   A step-parent is expected to be infinitely patient and kind with the step-children, who may still be hurting as a result of family changes, and not very patient in return.   One thoughtless remark by a step-parent can negate two years’ worth of careful relationship-building.
4. During family milestone events, such as a wedding or bar mitzvah, a step-parent is often told that she or he is less of a family member than the biological family members are.   They are routinely asked to step out of photograph groups, or it is suggested that they not attend the event.   Their sacrifice in nurturing a child towards reaching the milestone goes unacknowledged.
5. It is often assumed by outsiders that the step-parent was the “third party” during the first marriage, and the cause of the divorce.   However, it is statistically less common for an ex-spouse to marry the person with whom they had an affair during their previous marriage.   It is also assumed, in the case of the death of a parent, that the step-parent asserted their presence with the grieving spouse before the widow or widower was ready to move on emotionally, and certainly before the grieving family was ready to move on emotionally.
6. It is often assumed by outsiders that the step-parent is “gold-digging,”   “spending the inheritance,”   or in some other way entering the marriage with hopes of financial gain.   This is another assumption that is unsupported by statistics.
7. Step-parents face pressure to maintain their sexual attractiveness and sexual frequency, as they are in a new marriage after all.   They are expected to do this with 100% discretion, so that the step-children won’t be “grossed out” .
8. If the step-parent and biological parent have a child together, there are fears that the step-parent will automatically favor the biological child over the step-children.   While this can happen, there are a lot of thoughtful adults in blended families who make great efforts to insure that there is enough love to go around.

Step-parents know first-hand that blended families often feel “chopped up”, “shaken and stirred”, and “scrambled”   too.   Some step-parents feel like failures, or give up trying to succeed, under the weight of their various challenges.   But there are many reasons to be thankful for step-parents.   For one thing, they are a constant reminder that the biological parent is loveable.   Their love for the biological parent helps the whole family   to heal from the divorce or death, and develop into stronger people.    Step-parents can be very resourceful, bringing new solutions to bear on old problems.   Many step-parents are terrific role models.   
In short, step-parents deserve all of the support, consideration and respect they can get, because they can potentially add so much that is good to the family system.   Anyone who is seriously dating someone with children might want to get educated about the challenges of step-parenting in general and with this family in particular.   Be prepared to make informed choices.   For parents considering remarriage, this is the time to get professional counseling for unresolved grief or issues from the previous marriage.   Divorced people and widows/widowers who have processed the issues from the first marriage, often make the best spouses.   Most importantly, before making a permanent commitment, be sure that the person you are dating really loves your children.   People   who are willing to love again, and to put in the necessary effort to make it a good experience for all involved, create life-affirming and inspiring families.