“My brother and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. I’m one year older than he. I don’t know if it was a fight for superiority or something else. We’re both grown now, but we still don’t have a very close relationship. If I needed help, I wouldn’t turn to him,” Steve told me.

“Do you want to have a better relationship?” I inquired.

“I do,” he said. “We’re brothers. Shouldn’t brothers at least be cordial to each other? I’m not looking to be ‘best buddies’ or anything, but I do wish we could be closer.

“Mom and Dad are getting older, and we’re going to have to deal with taking care of them a few years down the road. With our relationship like it is, I don’t know that we could ever agree on anything. I feel like he still resents me, and I don’t know why. I never tried to lord it over him.”

I agreed with Steve that it was time for him to make an effort to improve their relationship. I talked with him about the importance of emotional love and that all of us have an emotional love tank: “When the love tank is full and we genuinely feel loved by family members, we tend to have positive, growing relationships. But when the love tank is empty and we do not feel loved by family members, barriers tend to develop between us. We tend to view each other in a negative light and can sometimes even be hostile toward each other.”

Moving in the Right Direction

“We’re not openly hostile,” he said, “but it’s definitely not a loving relationship. Tom just got married about two months ago. I don’t know if that’s going to bring us closer together or not.”

“Do you have any idea what your brother’s primary love language is?” I asked. Steve had never heard of the love languages and didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

I proceeded to explain the love languages and that each of us has a primary love language that speaks to us more deeply than the other four. I suggested that love is the most powerful way to improve a relationship.

“How would I discover his primary love language?” Steve asked. “I don’t see him that much.”
I asked Steve several questions about his brother, but his answers shed little light on what his brother’s love language might be. So I suggested that, since Tom was recently married, Steve give him and his new wife a copy of The Five Love Languages, which focuses on how to keep love alive and thriving in a marriage.

“There are two advantages in doing this,” I said. “First, if he and his wife read it, it will enhance their relationship. Secondly, three months after you give them the book, you might ask his wife if she discovered your brother’s primary love language.” His sister-in-law was probably the best source for discovering Tom’s primary love language. Once he got that information from her, he was ready to begin finding ways to speak that love language to Tom. I told him I could almost guarantee that if he started speaking in his brother’s primary love language, the relationship between the two of them would begin to change.

Taking the First Step

I didn’t see Steve again for about six months. When I saw him next, the first thing he said was, “I discovered my brother’s primary language, but I’m having trouble figuring out how to speak it.”

“So, what is his love language?” I asked.

“Acts of service. His wife said they both agreed that was his primary love language. But I see Tom so seldom; how can I do acts of service for him?”

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step,” I said.

“That sounds like philosophy,” Steve said.

“It’s a good philosophy,” I replied. “Would you be willing to try it?”

“Sure, if you will tell me what that one step could be.” Steve nodded.

After talking awhile about his brother’s lifestyle and interests, we agreed that Steve would offer to keep his brother’s dog any weekend that Tom and his new wife wanted to get away. That would definitely be an act of service on Steve’s part and something that his brother was likely to appreciate. Even though Steve and his brother had not been close, it would be a logical and helpful offer for his brother and his new sister-in-law. Steve said, “I’ll try it,” and we parted ways.

About two months passed before I encountered Steve again. This time he said, “I’m scheduled to keep my brother’s dog in three weeks!”

“So he accepted your offer?”

“Yeah, he seemed genuinely appreciative that I was willing to do that.”

“Good, you’re on the road.”

“But how many times can I keep the dog,” he asked, “and how is that going to improve our relationship?”

The Second Mile: Walking the Dog, Fixing the Deck, Etc.

“Remember, your brother’s primary love language is acts of service,” I said. “Anytime you do an act of service, it’s like pouring love into his love tank. As his love tank begins to fill, he is emotionally drawn to the person who is filling it. So if you keep the dog only once a year, that’s like pouring a gallon of love into his love tank. Perhaps he and his wife will take more than one weekend away each year, which may allow for two or three gallons of love.”

“But what else can I do?” Steve asked.

“Tell his wife that if your brother needs help on any projects, you would be happy to help him if she would just give you a ring. Then sit back and wait for the phone to ring,” I said.

“You make it seem so easy.”

“It won’t be easy as it seems when you start helping with the projects,” I said.

I learned later that within the month Steve was helping his brother replace his deck. Before the year was over, he had mowed his brother’s yard twice when he was in the hospital for two weeks, had kept the dog on three weekends, had helped his brother put in a retaining wall for a flower garden, and had dug up some black-eyed Susans from his home garden and transplanted them to his brother’s garden.

Steve told me, “I’ve spent more time with my brother this year than the last fifteen years combined. I feel like we’re getting close again. We haven’t had any deep conversations about the past. It’s just that we both seem more adult, and we’re relating to each other as adults.”

In it for the Long Haul

“Are you ready for the next level?” I asked.

“Is there another level?” Steve replied.

“Invite him and his wife over for a meal,” I said. “You may need your girlfriend’s help for that one.”

“She’s a good cook. We could do that.” His eyes lit up like he had just discovered a new toy. “My brother has never been to my place,” he said.

“I’ll give you another idea,” I said. “Does your brother have any interest in sports?”

“He’s a NASCAR fan,” Steve said, “but he doesn’t go very often. He says the tickets are too expensive, so he watches it on television.”

“Then buy four tickets and take him to a race,” I said.

“Why four?” Steve said.

“Two for your brother and his wife, two for you and your girlfriend,” I said.

“His wife would never go to a NASCAR race, and my girlfriend certainly wouldn’t.”

“Then buy two tickets,” I said. “Just you and your brother together for a whole day. Think about it.”

“That would definitely be a new level,” Steve said.

All these conversations with Steve occurred more than four years ago. He and his brother now have a warm, close, and loving relationship. Steve has a new girlfriend and tells me that he’s thinking seriously about marriage. “Be sure you learn to speak her primary love language before you get married,” I said.

“I’m already speaking it,” he said with a grin.

Steve has demonstrated the power of love to remove barriers and bring family members closer together. Families were designed to be the basic caring unit of society. Learning to speak each other’s primary love language in the family turns this design into a reality.

…and you. Are you ready to enchance your relationships with your siblings? What's your response to the following questions:

1.    List the names of your family members: mother, father, siblings. Using a 0–10 scale (with 0 representing not loved, 5 somewhat loved, and 10 greatly loved), how loved do you feel by each of your family members?
2.    Why did you rate each family member as you did? What factors are contributing to the feelings of love?
3.    What do you think is each family member’s primary love language?
4.    How effective do you think you have been in speaking their primary love languages? Answer the question by listing each family member’s name and writing a number from the 0–10 scale (0 meaning you don’t know it, 5 expressing it occasionally, and 10 consistently speaking the language).