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When I was in fifth grade Mr. Cohagen gave me a B – my first B – in math. I felt sure a B didn’t suit me. Eleven-year-old me decided I couldn’t rest until this B was out of my life. I went to Mr. Cohagen and talked myself into an A. To this day, I don’t know what made me think that I could “challenge” a grade – and I have absolutely no idea what it is I said… All this to say, I’ve always held myself to a very high standard; with unrealistic expectations for myself, and the people in my life, I’m often left frazzled and disappointed. Today was a day where I came home from work, very late, and feeling both. I chose an industry where things move fast and faster; an environment where if the client says jump, our only question is how we should bill it. And for the most part I’m a person who does best in over-drive – but there are days – like today, where I question why I have to be like this. I know there are plenty of people who’ve achieved balance – but it completely eludes me. I am all-or-nothing, all the time. Up until this point, I’ve owned this trait without apology, and if I’m honest, maybe even a little arrogance. But like so many things in my life, being married has sort of shaken things up. My all-or- nothing intensity is no longer just something that I have to deal with. My husband is an innocent bystander whom I often realize, when I take a second to look back, is being dragged along for the ride. And much to my surprise – mirrored back in his eyes – I don’t like what I see. I don’t want to be that stressed out, high-strung, over-committed cliché. I want to be someone who can have kids (someday when the time is right – don’t get any ideas mom!) and not worry about who I am without my job. I want to be someone who is comfortable with who I am, regardless of what I do. I want to be someone who gives more to my husband and my relationships than I give to my work. I want to be someone who lives for today – and I am so not that person. See right now, I’m stressing out about the fact that I stress out too much! At the end of the day, I think it’s about letting go. In retrospect, talking Cohagen into an A wasn’t a triumph – it was like feeding the little control freak inside of me. I can’t control everything – and I can’t worry about how it all looks. I have to take a deep breath, lay off the Diet Coke and enjoy my life. DEEP BREATH. Deep Breath…. OK, now what?It’s official – I’m hopeless. Sorry Eric!
DISCLAIMER: That is just a really cute picture of my dog - no relevance whatsoever! These things just look so wordy without a picture!
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Comments
As a recovering control freak, I identify completely with your angst. "Letting go," as you call it, sounds lovely--but it's a bit idealistic. The irony is that controllers often treat "letting go" like all the other parts of their life: it's part of the agenda, another way to overachieve. (Look at me! I'm letting go! Another gold star for Caroline!) Hear the irony?
Don't flog yourself for loving hard work. But those of us who work hard should always ask "Who's getting the glory for all this?" "Am I putting labor ahead of love?" "Did Jesus get any of the best parts of me today?"
I like growing older. Some switches are meant to shut off with time. It sounds like all of your switches are running at full power right now--not a bad thing at all--but don't be surprised if you blow a fuse every now and then. (But even that's good because you get to sit in the dark for awhile with God.)
I like growing older too.
Lindsey, I loved your post! And I loved that you're already thinking about relationships over work, sanity over insanity. It's all a process, and God has wired us all differently. He knows who His A Types are, and He delights in what they can do for His kingdom as much as He delights in His B Types. He'll definitely mold us, shape us, and smooth our rough edges, but He's gifted us and wired us for His work. Embrace that, dear control freak. :)
Growing older has helped me see that.