Jennifer's Story: Looking for her Birth Mother

Jennifer, thirty-four, is a never-married single who learned to speak the love languages of her adoptive parents, George and Martha, and her birth mother, Christina—but only after experiencing conflict with all three. The result is an extremely positive and close relationship with her adoptive parents and a loving relationship with her birth mother.

For the first thirteen years of Jennifer’s life, George and Martha provided her with a stable and loving environment. However, when Jennifer turned fourteen, she began to express a desire to find and meet her birth mother. Her adoptive parents strongly opposed this idea. They knew that Jennifer’s mother had been on drugs at the time of her birth and had had multiple sexual partners. They had no reason to believe that she was the kind of person who would have a positive impact on Jennifer’s life.

Jennifer’s reasoning at fourteen had been, “I want to meet my mother. If I don’t like her, then fine, we don’t have to have a relationship. But I want to meet her.” George and Martha resisted Jennifer’s pleas, because they genuinely thought it would not be good for her. The next two years were marked by frequent struggles over this and other matters. By age sixteen Jennifer felt deeply unloved by her adoptive parents and began taking the initiative to find her birth mother. With the help of a friend at school, Jennifer was able to locate her mother and give her a call. Her mother was elated to hear from her, and they arranged to get together.

They had lunch on several occasions and were relating to each other positively (all of this unknown to Jennifer’s adoptive parents). Christina eventually invited Jennifer to her apartment to meet her live-in boyfriend. He was nice to Jennifer, and she liked him.

The Argument and the Lecture

After almost a year, George and Martha discovered what was going on and responded harshly.

“I can’t believe you have done this to us,” Martha said, “after all we have done for you.”

“My mother is not a bad woman, and she loves me,” said Jennifer.

“Then if she loves you so much, why don’t you go live with her?” Martha could not believe what she had just said. “I don’t mean that,” she quickly added. “You don’t need to live with her. She can’t be good for you.” Martha began to cry uncontrollably, and Jennifer walked out of the room.

That night she got a long lecture from her father about how they wanted only what was best for her and had loved her all these years and still loved her. He told Jennifer about her mother’s drug problem and the lifestyle she had lived. “That is why we didn’t want you to have contact with her,” he said.

Jennifer listened. Her only response was, “I know you love me Dad, but I want to have a relationship with my mother. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t just walk away from her now.” George left the room, and Jennifer cried.

Her last year in high school was a troubled one, as Jennifer tried to maintain sporadic contact with Christina without discussing it with her parents. Then she went off to college where life became a lot easier. She was able to have contact with both her parents and her mother. If her parents raised questions about seeing her mother, she simply denied it, and her mother never asked about her adoptive parents. She was just happy to have Jennifer in her life.

At the beginning of Jennifer’s junior year in college, her mother’s boyfriend moved out, and her mother sank into a deep depression. During this time Christina returned to drugs and a year later ended up in a rehabilitation center. Jennifer had little contact with her during that year except an occasional phone call that she initiated and which usually left her in tears. Jennifer began suffering through some depression and went for counseling. During those counseling sessions she was able to work through her feelings of abandonment by her mother and being controlled by her parents.

Learning a Few New Languages

She came to recognize that her birth mother had made the wisest decision possible at that time in her life and that her adoptive parents were sincerely thinking about her best interests when they tried to keep her from making contact with her mother. She intellectually understood what had happened, but she still struggled with feelings of abandonment. “I’m not sure anybody really loves me,” she told her counselor. “Intellectually I know my mother loves me, and I know my parents love me. But emotionally a lot of the time I don’t feel loved by anyone.”

During that session her therapist gave her a copy of The Five Love Languages. “This book was originally written for married couples, helping them learn how to love each other,” the counselor said, “but I want you to read it, because I think it will help you understand the dynamics of love.”

Jennifer read the book and spent several sessions discussing it with her counselor. She came to realize that her own primary love language was words of affirmation. That’s why she was so attracted to her mother when she made initial contact. Her mother gave her so many affirming words. Conversely, that’s why she began to feel unloved by her parents when they opposed the idea of their fourteen year-old daughter making contact with her birth mother. She heard a lot of critical, condemning words from them until she went to college, and things began to level off as they thought she was not seeing her mother.

A year later, after graduating from college and taking a job in her hometown, Jennifer picked up the book and read it again. This time she focused on discovering the love language of her parents and mother. She remembered the long embraces her mother would give her every time she arrived and every time she left. She remembered also that often in conversation Christina would reach over and touch her arm. Jennifer had not always felt comfortable with these embraces and touches, but she knew now that physical touch was her birth mom’s primary love language.

She concluded that her father’s love language was words of affirmation. He had always tried to put a positive spin on things. She never felt as condemned by her dad as by her mother. Even in the worst of times her father would give her affirming words, though often they were negated by his insistence that she not see her mother. Martha’s love language was a little more difficult for Jennifer to discover, but she finally concluded it was acts of service.

Speaking Her Family’s Love Language

With this information, Jennifer began to respond to the three most significant people in her life by speaking their primary love language every time she encountered them. If she heard that Martha was having guests, she would bake cookies. When she visited she always asked, “What can I do to help you while I’m here?” If her adoptive mother didn’t suggest something, she would find something and do it. She began to verbally affirm her father, sometimes in private and sometimes in the presence of her mother. She tried never to leave without having said something positive to him.

When she was with her birth mother, Christina, she entered more fully into the embraces and began taking initiative to put her hand on her mother’s back when she passed her on the couch or to kiss her on the cheek after an embrace.

All three of these relationships began to improve. Jennifer began to receive affirming words and found herself feeling genuinely warm toward Martha in spite of those cutting words that had played in her mind for years: “If she loves you so much, why don’t you go live with her?” Jennifer realized that because words of affirmation was her love language, she had been hurt deeply by this statement. That is why she had been unable to erase it from her mind. But now she was hearing affirming words from Martha, and the record of that distant message began to fade. She always knew Martha loved her, and now she was beginning to feel it.

Later Jennifer shared her story at a national singles conference. It was obvious to me that Jennifer’s sense of well-being was greatly enhanced by developing a loving relationship with all three parents.

Not everyone has had the kinds of struggles Jennifer encountered with her parents. But many single adults have fractured or broken relationships with their parents. The lack of feeling love from their parents leaves them with an emptiness that cannot be filled by academic or vocational success.

The key takeaway is: no matter what has happened between you and your parents, if you will take the initiative to discover their primary love language and begin to speak it, the potential for healing and reconciliation are very real.

On the other hand, you may have a strong, loving relationship with your parents. If so, then discovering their primary love language will simply enhance that relationship.

….and you?
Do you have a healthy relationship with your parents?  Are you speaking their primary love language? Do you know your parents love language?