Matt Bickel

Internet Porn as an Addiction

Matt Bickel — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 10:14:03 -0700

In the ConversantLife.com Q&A section, on of our users recently posted this questions: What do I say to my 18 year old son who is looking at internet porn frequently? I am the mom and very concerned and sad about this issue, while his dad does not seem to concerned and is not really addressing the issue with my son.

I was compelled to give the response below:

I think what you say and what you do are two different things.

What you say:

Start off by letting him know that he isn’t alone. It is a struggle that all males deal with. However – it is an addiction like any other. And just like substance abuse eventually affects more than just the user – his pornography addiction is going to affect him as well as those around him. (Most notably – the girls he will date and the one he will eventually marry.) Pornography is simply an investment in false reality and false intimacy. It is a mutilation of something that was created by God and intended to be something good.

If your son has a relationship with God – then I would encourage you to talk to him about it. I truly believe that the Holy Spirit moves in situations like these. My guess is that there is some sort of guilt associated with his actions.

What to do:

Get rid of the freakin’ internet. You are not the first parent who has dealt with this issue. In fact – you are already ahead of many parents just by being aware of the problem. What I tell many parents is to simply eliminate the temptation. Emails and online bill-paying are not as important as the mental health of your child. If that is out of the question - scale down to one computer in the house and put it in your bedroom. I doubt he will be as interested in looking at pornography with you brushing your teeth two feet away.

Also...

Your son (every son…every person ) – should have an accountability partner or group. Someone in his life (preferably an older male) who is not afraid to ask your son the difficult questions. And, someone whom your son is willing to tell EVERYTHING to. I know a lot of parents want to be this person for their children but it just doesn’t work that way. I mentor 5 high school boys – and ALL of them have dealt with pornography at one point, but it is something that we were all as a group able to talk about openly and honestly.

Good Luck and please feel free to ask more questions. Like I said - you and your son are not alone in this.

His Body and Blood - Her Backside

Matt Bickel — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:41:00 -0800

So there I was sitting in church.

I’m not going to say I was diligently taking notes, but I was paying attention.

As our pastor was wrapping up the sermon on this communion Sunday, he held up a piece of bread, broke it, and instructed us to come forward to receive the elements.

The band played a song about Christ’s blood and people began walking forward. I glanced up from my aisle seat and out of the corner of my eye saw something that prompted me to immediately get up and join the line.

It wasn’t a vision and it certainly wasn’t the Holy Spirit moving…

It was a girl. A girl’s ass to be more specific.

I saw it, got up, and followed it to the alter.

So much for the Lord’s instructions: “Do this in remembrance me.”

I had a body on my mind – but it wasn’t Christ’s.

Of course nothing happened. I am pretty awkward around girls but I know enough not to hit on one in the communion line.

So I took my cracker and shot glass of grape juice back to my seat and sat there alone with my dirty thoughts; The body and blood of my Lord and Savior resting in my hands, staring up at me, judging me. I lowered my head to pray but couldn’t. Why should God listen to me? He knew the impure motives which led to my procuring of His body and blood. He knew I was more interested in a close-up view of a first-class butt than a ceremony to remember His greatest sacrifice.

But I ate the cracker and gulped the juice like a good Christian does…content that God would be the only one who would ever know about the lust in my heart.

And then – I began to cry.

I was crying for a lot of reasons – but mainly because I became rather disgusted with myself.

And then I cried more. So much in fact, that I could no longer hide it. I got out of my seat and walked to the back of the sanctuary, leaned against the wall and slumped to the ground. I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my head hoping I could block out everyone else in the building, including God. I suddenly understood why Adam and Eve tried to hide from God in the Garden of Eden. I was ashamed. Ashamed that I had brought my lust into church and even more ashamed that it was the very thing that prompted me to join the communion line. But mostly I was ashamed that God had seen the whole thing.

After a few moments a pastor came up and put his arm around me. He didn’t say anything. He just let me cry. When I finally composed myself I told him what had prompted the tears. He chuckled. He said he was glad I was feeling convicted, but reminded me that I was normal, and not alone.

I think back on that day a lot. Not because I’m proud, but because I’m thankful. I am thankful for a church that allows breakdowns like mine and embraces me in the midst of them.

I am thankful for a God who does the same.

But what I am most thankful for is the beautiful grace that welcomes me at the alter no matter what brought me there. Forgiveness that follows me no matter what path (or person) I choose to pursue, and redemption that covers me like a blanket even when I’m desperately trying to hide from the God who gives it to me.

The Children are Our Future? Really?

Matt Bickel — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 10:25:17 -0800

I have worked with teenagers in some capacity for the last 5 years. I like to tell people that it slows down the aging process. Although if you know me, you might argue that what it really does is slow down the maturing process. Either way – I love what I do. I teach. My job is to help students succeed; in class, at home and in life. Most days I feel very lucky and blessed, however, there are those days when I just leave feeling, well, scared.

Not scared for my safety (although I have those moments too) but frightened for the future.

I work with high school students. Students who can legally drive a car, vote for the president, and fight for our country. And yet, these same students, when asked to name one cause of the Civil War, answered:

“Oh, wasn’t it because Kennedy supported being black.”

True story.

Another student, when asked who his favorite author was, answered (in complete seriousness)

“Harry Potter”

It seems my kids and grandkids are destined to grow up in a country run by students who understand the rules of Quidditch better than the rules grammar.

None of them seem to realize that they must prepare for the future. There is more to life than the moment they are living in.

And then – I realize – this might be exactly the way God feels about me.

Is it possible that God is looking down on his children (me, specifically) and feeling a little scared?

Scared that the spacey kid who forgets his lunch at home 3 days a week, is in charge of feeding His sheep.

Scared that the goofy kid who can hardly get past his driveway without tripping, is in charge of spreading the gospel to all nations.

Is it possible that when God looks at us He sees a bunch of kids just living for themselves in the moment? I’m worried He does. Perhaps C.S. Lewis had a similar notion when he wrote:

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

God has so much in store for us – but we fail to see it because we find ourselves content where we are. We would all love Mark Twain or Gabriel Marquez, but we will never know it because we are content just waiting for the next Harry Potter installment.

So here I sit on my pedestal, pleased and proud that my career is helping students realize all the world has to offer them.

The question is – am I taking the time to allow God to show me the same?

No Such Thing as a Stupid Question.

Matt Bickel — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:33:51 -0800

Guys – you have all been there: minding your own business; content in the quiet solitude of a lazy Sunday afternoon. And then, out of nowhere, a bomb is dropped, catching you completely off-guard.

Your lady breaks the peaceful silence by leaning over and asking,

“What are you thinking?”

Now – in my experience – the correct answer is:

“Oh, just about how lucky I am to have you.”

However, (and ladies please take note of this) the truthful answer is:

“Nothing. I wasn’t thinking about anything. I was staring at my empty beer can wishing it was a fresh cold one. That is all.”

The truth is not always what women are looking for; men either for that matter. There are times in a relationship when all a person wants is a little reassurance.

When women ask, “What are you thinking?” What they are really asking is:

“You’re happy we are together, right?”

This round-a-bout, undercover line of questioning used to bother me – but I have realized that men can be just as devious. Men seek out reassurance too.

I don’t just want a girl that doesn’t care she is taller than me when she wears heels. I want a girl who will tell me she doesn’t care that she is taller than me. I want a girl who will, from time, to time mention how cute it is that a Seattle Public School teacher’s salary caps off at about $50,000 a year. And, when I don’t get those reassurances I find myself asking even more ridiculous questions than, “What are you thinking?” I will fish all day long until I hear the words that calm my stress and relieve my anxiety:

“I’m happy we are together.”

You see – as different as men and women are – we are all humans. And that fact alone means that at the core, we all crave the same thing. Reassurance from our significant other. We all want to know that who we are, how we act, and what we say is endearing. We crave the security that comes from a loved one accepting us just the way we are.

So as much as I hate being asked what I am thinking when I really don’t have a single thought in my head, I will respond appropriately, knowing that a simple phrase can change a persons day.

However – since I am willing to decode the question and provide the reassurance – the least she could do is grab me another beer from the fridge.

Dating: A Necessary Evil

Matt Bickel — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 17:42:30 -0800

Everyone has two ages. Your real age can easily be deduced by finding out what year you were born. The second is a little more complicated. You see, everyone also has a “dating age”. This is, of course, the age you act when you are on a date or in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

For instance – I didn’t do much dating in high school (you’ll understand why if you glance to the right and see my prom picture.) However, when I got to college I found myself in a very serious relationship that lasted many years. So, even though my real age was 21, my dating age hovered somewhere around 13. I was behind. While others were dating I was reading gaming magazines, hunting for cheat codes for Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis (yes, I had the Super Nintendo version as well, but that one didn’t show blood so it wasn’t as fun to play.) My peers were dating, interacting, and figuring out how relationships work first hand. My life lessons consisted of whatever Danny Tanner told DJ in the serious moments of Full House episodes.

As a result of my awkward dating age – I spent my college years making “rookie mistakes”. Mistakes most of my friends were making in the eighth grade. This is extremely unfortunate because as I am realizing – meeting women after college is not so easy. (See my previous blog on dating.) But, however difficult, dating is necessary.

It is for this reason that I get so frustrated with people (Christians mainly) who think dating is in someway sinful. Dating is far from it. Meeting a girl at a bar, taking her home and sleeping with her – that (I believe) is a sin. But that, my friends, is not a date.

However, it is the fear of such things that makes Christians so apprehensive about dating. So how do they console themselves? They invent “courting”. Courting is when you decide you could marry someone you hardly know. But – to avoid certain temptations, you only hang out with that person at church sponsored events. Then – when you can’t fight off the temptations of the flesh any longer, you get married…to a person you hardly know. Courting never allows you to see a person when they are angry, or frustrated, or depressed.

Christians are so worried about finding “the one” that we often overlook the benefits of dating all the people who are not the one. It is healthy to date around. (Notice I said “date” around and not “sleep” around. Sadly the distinction must be made.) It is important so that we can find the attributes and personality traits that we like and also identify the ones we know we could never live with. Many people (again, mostly Christians) are so bent on finding “the one” that they put all kinds of unnecessary pressure on a relationship that should be casual.

Ladies - you should not be picturing yourself walking down the isle with a guy if you haven’t even had dinner with him yet.

Guys – you should not be picturing the girl on your wedding night if you haven’t even seen her in a pair of shorts yet.

Just share a meal together. Listen to one another. And see where things go.

For Those of You Who Lust...

Matt Bickel — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 16:41:58 -0800

It’s My Dick In a Box

So the title is crude – but I am simply quoting a hilarious Justin Timberlake/Andy Samberg SNL sketch. A sketch which really got me thinking…(not “thinking” like that. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Justin Timberlake is an attractive man – I just don’t think things would really work out between us – our lives are just in two different places right now.) But I digress – I was thinking about the literal realization of my genitalia in a box. Not as a gift for someone as JT suggested – but as a gift from God. What if God, in all his wisdom, chose to bestow men with our reproductive organs on our wedding day???!!!

Stay with me here: If our wieners (I will use that word because I find it less crude / more hilarious than genitalia) were truly meant for one woman, after marriage – than receiving said wiener on your wedding day seems pretty appropriate.

Guys – just think of all the trouble your wiener has got you into. Mistakes with former girlfriends, lingering looks at the magazine rack in 7-11, and the list goes on.

Robin Williams said it best when he said, “God gave all men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to operate one at a time.”

So why didn’t the Almighty God see fit to dole out our “cash and prizes” on our wedding day rather than at birth? Because the journey is more important than the destination.

God did not intend for us to live asexual lives until marriage. He created humans as sexual creatures. Those longings and desires are not bad. In fact God created us to have them. However, we live in a sinful world that has corrupted and capitalized on these desires – but I believe ignoring them altogether can be just as harmful as giving in to them entirely. As Christians we should strive to embrace our sexuality because that is how God created us. The battle to remain balanced in that sexuality is all part of the journey. And it is the journey that molds us. It is on the journey where we encounter Christ; in our success and failures, in the proper use of our sexuality and in our abuse of it.

Perhaps life would be easier (and far less complicated) if my “twig and berries” were waiting for me on the gift table at my wedding reception. But, how would I even begin to write a thank-you card for that?

For Those of You who Date...

Matt Bickel — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 15:40:12 -0800

It’s My Pity Party – and YOU”RE Invited!

Being single and an active member in the “dating scene” is not easy. Nor is it even fun. Dating sucks. It’s basically two people regurgitating the same information over and over. Job, hobbies, family, etc.

Dating especially sucks for me. Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment –but I just have this need to create awkward situations. I love to ask questions that make people uncomfortable.

Usually on a first date (and this is a very mild example) I love to ask the girl to “tell me something new”. Anything. About themselves, or their beliefs, or the world in general. Just something that I don’t already know or haven’t already thought about. Yes, it’s true – I am fishing here. Fishing for something profound. Unfortunately, 96% of women take this opportunity to tell me their sign. As if the fact that they are a Libra is of any concern to me. The only good that comes from this is that I now know I don’t have to waste my time with a second date.

And what do the other 4% of women say? You tell me – try it out. I believe the answer to this question tells a lot about a person. It is a great first date tester.

So dating has been reduced to the trial and error test method, and while the old adage is true – there are plenty of fish in the sea – lets be realistic:

I am 5’8” (on a good day) which really eliminates any girl 5’7” or above.

Suddenly the sea has become a lake.

I am really only interested in dating a Christian girl.

The lake is receding.

And when I say “Christian” I mean someone who actually has a relationship with Jesus.

The lake is now a pond.

I also want a girl who will love my dog, appreciate my weird sense of humor, and play a few rounds of Wii tennis with me in my living room.

The pond is now a puddle.

And now you see the predicament that I am in. Where does a guy like me meet girls? Church right? Wrong. Let me paint you that picture:

Let’s say that I do go to church and I even see an attractive girl a few pews up from me… There is really only one thing to do – approach her after the service:

Scenario #1: (Probability 57%) She has a boyfriend and introduces him to me. Awkward.

Result: I have to now go to a different service because that guy for sure knows I was trying to scam on his girl.

Scenario #2: (Probability 41%) She is weirded-out by the guy (me) who apparently goes to church just to meet chicks. Awkward.

Result: I have to now go to a different church entirely because she has warned all her friends about the creep who hits on women after church.

Scenario #3: (Probability 2%) She actually responds well. And, after my initial shock wears off, I ask her to coffee. We go on a few dates. Nothing comes of it.

Result: I now become the awkward Jr. High version of myself every time I run into her.

Single guys, can I get an Amen!?

So why do I constantly put myself through the torturous rituals of dating? Is it because I crave the friendship of a true and loyal life-companion? No – that’s what I have my dog for. Perhaps it is to appease the longings of all my married friends. Or perhaps it is because the not-so-subtle nagging of my parents has finally found its way into my subconscious. Whatever the reason may be - I will strive to be happy exactly where I am. I’d like to think it is exactly where God wants me to be….for now.

Pity Party over.