Judy Fujimura

Another Book-Lover

Judy Fujimura — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 12:12:01 -0800

At the beginning of 2008 I read Alissa Wilkinson’s terrific blog on the subject of loving books, and was quite taken with her idea of recording all of the books one has read for the whole calendar year. So here’s my list for 2008, with some accompanying commentary. One thing I noticed while looking over my list is that they all have human relationships at their center.

1 - The Merchant of Venice – William Shakespeare. This play always gets me thinking about the eternal problem of how difficult it is for diverse people groups to get along. Shylock always reminds me that even the most difficult and annoying people deserve empathy. If other people cannot provide it, there is the assurance that God has provided difficult people with the empathy they need, in the person of Jesus Christ.

2 – Mansfield Park – Jane Austen. Jane Austen was one of my first “real” authors. My Aunt Dru, who is very dear to me, got me started reading Jane Austen (and Charlotte Bronte, of course) when I was about 12 years old.   I love the Gospel parallel of the last being made first, and the lonely being put into families, although I really was rooting for Fanny Price to win all the marbles and own the big house.

3 – A Dress to Die For – Dolores Johnson. This is one of several mystery books of the “tea cozy” genre that I enjoyed this year during my train rides home from work.   My personal favorites are the ones with cookie recipes, and the ones in which the cat solves the mystery. At the root of my lifelong attraction to mysteries is that they affirm the value of every human life.

4 – Leaves of Grass – Walt Whitman. This is one of those books that is so much a part of the culture that you feel like you have read it, even if you have not. I had only read excerpts carefully selected by my high school English teacher, and atter reading the whole thing this year, it is easy to understand why!   Few people know that Whitman lived in Camden, NJ for the last nineteen years of his life. I grew up about 5 miles from there. Yay, South Jersey!

5 -- John Adams – the biography by David McCullough.    I read John Adams this year because my friend Tara Hawks expertly crafted some of the costumes for the recent television miniseries about Adams’ life, and because my husband had just given the book to me as a Christmas present.   I was fascinated and impressed by the Adams’ marriage, and their relationships with their children, as well as their strength of character and their scholarliness. Much of the correspondence contrasts rationalism and romanticism with the belief in absolute truth.

6 – Strong Poison, and Gaudy Night, by Dorothy Sayers. Dorothy Sayers is one of my all-star authors. The third in this trilogy is Busman’s Honeymoon. These mystery novels were published during the 1930’s and deal brilliantly with politics and relationships between men and women.

7 – The Eyre Affair – Jasper Fford. This book was a gift from a good friend, who knows that Jane Eyre is my favorite book. It was pure fun for a book-lover, a kooky time-travel story full of off-beat characters and twists on classic books.

8 – Crown of Wild Olive -- lectures of John Ruskin. Speaking to live audiences in Victorian England, John Ruskin was direct and forceful in his views on class structure, esthetics, and a just economy. These presentations were made towards the end of the era when it was assumed that the listener had a basic knowledge of the Bible, whether or not she might agree with it; and a basic knowledge of classical literature.

9 -- Three Cups of Tea – Greg Mortensen and David Oliver Relin. It’s the story of Greg Mortensen, a mountain climber who works with local communities in Pakistan and Afganistan to build schools. This book conveys the message that a just society sustains life, creates beauty, and mitigates against evil – well, most of the time. There are rumors that Mortensen has been nominated for the Nobel peace prize.

10 – Water for Elephants -- Sara Gruen. This new book, set in the depression era, is the story of a senior at Cornell who joins the circus, and meets the two loves of his life. The book places a high value on lifetime love, which is timely for today’s readers, who may be questioning the attainability or even the value of lifetime love.

11 - A Song I Knew by Heart – Brett Lott.   If ever there were a writer for marriage and family therapists, Brett Lott is that writer. He gets us. Now I must read all of his other novels, including his biggest-seller, Jewel, about a family with a Downs Syndrome child.

12 – Are Women Human? Essays by Dorothy Sayers. Did I mention that Dorothy Sayers is one of my all-stars? It is especially satisfying to read a favorite author across various genres.

13 – The Southern Review. Although admittedly not a book, this literary journal is included on my list this year because every piece included is of such high quality.

14 -- Poems of Gerard Manley Hopkins. I am not qualified to comment on poets, but would just say that Hopkins’ writing, while widely discussed for its scholarly merits, does not seem to get enough attention for its esthetic beauty.

15 – Phineas Finn -- Anthony Trollope. I attended an author’s talk by P.D. James, another one of my “all-stars”, at which a member of the audience asked her what she was currently reading. She said that she was not reading many new books at the time, but rather re-reading several authors, including Trollope. The next day I hit the Strand book store and purchased the first two books in the Palliser series, including Phineas Finn. The two books together made my tote bag weigh about the same as a bowling ball. My labors carrying my heavy load home were not in vain, as Trollope is now one of my favorite authors.

16 – A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens. There’s only one Dickens. Different thoughts strike me each time I re-read A Christmas Carol. This year, it was Marley’s ghost explaining why some souls have to travel abroad for great lengths of time, with no peace, no rest, and constant remorse. Marley’s ghost explained that this was the fate of people who choose to live their earthly lives within a limited self-centered sphere.

17 – Life Together – Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I have read this inspired book several times during my morning Bible study time. Any discussion of relationships must include, as Bonhoeffer did, a treatment of one’s relationship with oneself in solitude. This book contributed to my comparatively basic thoughts in my Conversant entry, “It’s the Stupid Economy”.

There were also numerous therapy books and theological books on my list this year. I have started Nancy Pearcey’s book Total Truth, which I think makes the reader more conscious of the source of personal values and even personal value-making. I wonder if my list has any books in common with any Conversant readers. It would be fun to compare notes!

From our Home to Yours

Judy Fujimura — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

In a historic and pivotal year for our Nation, my thoughts run daily from macrocosm to microcosm. With the backdrop of historic elections and tectonic changes in the world economy, my family has undergone many changes as well. One child is applying to colleges, and our youngest will soon be the only child in the house. By far the highlight of the year was the marriage of our oldest son to his high school sweetheart. My uncle, who is a Catholic priest, gave the invocation at the wedding. His words aptly encapsulated our family’s feelings and hopes for the young couple as they launch their lives together. Here are my uncle’s words:

Let us remember that we are in the holy presence of God.

O Gracious and loving God – reach down and caress our Bride and Groom today. Strengthen them to be faithful to the vows they will pronounce. Bless them as they begin their life together with each other and with you.

In a world of chaos – let them bring order.
In a world of selfishness – let them have a loving concern for each other.
In a world of instant results – let them be ready for the long haul.
May they celebrate 25 and 50 years of marriage.
In a world of war – let them be persons of peace.
In a world if individualism – let them share their love with each other and with their children.
In a world that stresses wealth – let them share their resources and serve the needy and the poor.
In a world of selfishness – let them paint a portrait of goodness and beauty and love, remembering that each day, the greatest in the Kingdom of God is the one who serves the needs of all.

O Lord, may the lives of their parents be a foundation of their life together. May they build their life together on the foundation of faith, love, and service given to them by their parents. O Lord, listen to our prayer today. May they be especially blessed by You today. May they live life united with you and with each other. May they live to see their children’s children. May they receive from you the rewards of a good life and live with You for all eternity. Amen.

Experiencing something on a deep emotional level leads me to reflect on what that event says about God, the world, and myself. I ask my clients to reflect in this way as part of their psychotherapy process. As I reflect on my Uncle’s words, and experience the deep joy of watching a wonderful couple get married, I sense the Trinity being lived out in this new family unit, comprised of two human beings and God working in harmony to become the chord of three strands that is not easily broken.. I can expect that this new bride and groom will give to each other in Christlike sacrifice over the years, in ways that their friends and families, as good as they are, could never provide. This process models the world’s need for a Savior. My own sense of needing a Savior is renewed when I watch a young couple get married, along with my deep assurance of God’s provision for that need and for every other need. Couples are at the heart of my vocational calling, and this is confirmed by experiencing God more deeply as a result of working with couples.

From my home to yours, all the best wishes for a Merry Christmas and a New Year full of satisfying work and a deeper faith.

Is it a Marriage or a Relationship?

Judy Fujimura — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 09:51:15 -0800

My husband and I celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary this summer, but we are not in a relationship. We were in a relationship before we got married, but as of August 13, 1983, we have not been in a relationship. We do talk to each other, and we do live in the same home.   We have physical contact,   and three beautiful children as evidence of that.   In fact, we are deeply connected at a heart and soul level.   So why the steadfast refusal to enter into a relationship with my spouse? Isn’t it a little late in the game to be thinking about getting close to each other?   The reason is that people in a relationship stay together or move apart, based on how they are relating to each other; while people who are married stay together or move apart based on mutual legally documented promises made at the wedding, and their discernment as to whether those promises are being kept, have been broken with hope of repair, or have been irrevocably broken.

In a marriage, the promises are the primary foundation, and in a relationship, the quality of relating is the primary foundation. In a marriage, the promises to love , honor and be faithful are clearly verbalized in front of at least one witness.   There is a legal document, a marriage certificate or marriage license, entitling both parties to particular rights and priviledges, based on the public promises.   There are distinct barriers to ending a marriage,   and there is usually an acknowledgement   that this a change from the original plan to stay married until one of the spouses dies.   By contract, in a relationship, if there are promises made, they are usually made in private, and undocumented.    There is usually a tacit understanding that it would be perfectly reasonable, although probably   very painful, for one or the other partner in the relationship to renegotiate   the time frame for those promises.   Because they have different foundations, relationships and marriages have different root causes   underlying the ir issues, and different solution paths to those issues.

Most of my married clients have told me that they want to work through the problems in their “relationship”. Perhaps this choice of wording reflects the wish for escape   that married people sometimes experience   during conflict. Spouses in conflict sometimes wish there were an easy way out of the marriage, as there was back when they were in a relationship.   In most cases, the use of the term “relationship” is more likely being used by clients who have adopted the current   cultural norm of referring to any two people who are a couple as being in a “relationship.”   Part of my work with couples is helping clients to properly identify the context, - a marriage or a relationship -   before looking for root causes and solution paths. It is important   during conflicts, when one   is bored, or even when things are going really   well with one’s significant other, to reflect on which type of couple one is in – a relationship   or a marriage.   Neither type of couple   is, in itself,    better or superior to the other. However, there are healthy behaviors   and goals for each type of couple that are distinct. Both types deserve to be affirmed, but the tricky part is in not losing the distinctives of each type in the process.

To use an example from my clinical experience,    let’s say I am seeing two couples. One is Adam and Betty, who are living together with the possibility of becoming engaged being open-ended.   The other is Charles and Dorcas, who are married. Both have the presenting problem that they feel that they have different goals, and they want to do better with this. With Adam and Betty, I will help them to develop skills for better understanding of the other person’s world and experience, and have each of them find out how   welcome they   would be if they participated more in the other’s activities of interest. The root cause   is lack of knowledge.    If one of them has trouble supporting the other’s activities,    or is not comfortable participating with the other or letting the other participate, that tells them a lot about whether they would enjoy being married to each other. With Charles and Dorcas, I would   review the same skills that Adam and Betty worked on, and find out if there was a time in their marriage when such participation and mutual support was easy for them to maintain.    The root cause here is probably time pressure,   combined with new responsibilities. If they Charles and Dorcas can re-establish the habits of mutual support and participation, they can experience their marriage commitment at a deeper level.

Happily married   couples   report that it’s not enough just to have a supportive attitude, they want to be an integral part of their spouse’s success. Remarkably, they want to support their spouse even when the spouse fails. In other words, it’s not enough for the spouse to be a success or to enjoy an activity. “Your happiness” becomes “our happiness”. “Your passion” becomes “our passion”. “Your setback” becomes “our setback.” What I call The Story of Us becomes a strength for the good times and a source of energy in the bad times.   (If another therapist has already coined this phrase, then my apologies to them. I will be happy to cite previous sources if made available.)

When a dating couple mutually notice that they   are starting to develop The Story of Us, they begin to look towards marriage.   When Mako and I were in our relationship,   at some point I realized that it wouldn’t be enough for me to attend his art exhibits and to know   that good things were happening in his career. I wanted to be participate in his interests, and be an integral part of his success.   Believe me, I do not have the skills to help out in the studio. I have   participated in other ways. He realized, at some point, that it wasn’t good enough that I had this great thing called faith in Christ that inspired my life and work. He felt the urge to investigate the claims of Christ personally. The Story of Us requires that both partners not only desire to be committed to each other, but that they be willing to possibly undergo some personal change and growth in the process. When a husband joyfully announces “We’re pregnant” or a wife confides, “We got laid off from his job this year”, it demonstrates The Story of Us is being written for those couples.

Whether two people are in a relationship or a marriage, there is much to be enjoyed and much to learn.   They may be getting to know, they may have supported each other emotionally for a long time, or they may have already written many chapters together in The Story of Us. Marriages and relationships both can be celebrated. Which kind of couple are you?

It’s the Stupid Economy

Judy Fujimura — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 15:19:33 -0800

Some Conversant readers may be old enough to remember former President Bill Clinton’s slogan during his first election campaign, in 1992, “It’s the economy, Stupid!” I remember the era fairly well, and was surprised at that time by the huge popularity of what I considered to be a rather insulting message, aimed at the Republican administration.    When there is a distressing national problem, it seems natural to want to find the origin of that problem as the first step towards solving it. But finding where the problem started is just the beginning of the process of changing things for the better. The same thing is true in close relationships. Finding the origins of problems is basic to what we do in psychotherapy.   But there is so much more.

Asking and receiving forgiveness are two of the most healing gestures that people can make, as is learning how to extend grace when one is the injured party .   Sometimes in therapy, the person or persons who were the offenders are no longer living, or communication has been cut off for some other reason.   In these cases, the therapist can help those who are present in the situation to move forward. Some problems are no one’s personal responsibility, such as natural disasters.   In all of these types of situations, problem solving is a large part of the healing process. All of the family members can be figuratively   on the same side of the bargaining table, with the problem on the other side, and if the timing is right for this, it clears the way for powerful change to occur. Then people feel that their close relationships got stronger as a result of working through problems together.   One of the largest benefits of therapy, aside from the things one does in therapy, is the hope that comes from not having to face problems alone. Many of my clients mention at the beginning and end of therapy , that they value the input from a neutral, non-blaming   party.

Very few of my clients want to linger in the blame stage, because blaming makes people want to be isolated, just when they need each other most. People want to give and receive forgiveness, make peace, and move forward towards problem-solving, and learn how to appreciate each other more.   If this approach to resolving issues could be applied on a national level, just imagine   what progress we could make as a nation, with problems such as the current economic crisis.   In the past weeks, we have all heard the Republicans blamed, and we have heard the Democrats blamed.   We have heard corporations blamed, and individuals blamed, rich folks and the working class.     A few individuals have acknowledged personal responsibility, and for this they deserve respect.   There have been some solutions proposed, but how much forgiveness has been extended towards those who were greedy or short-sighted?   Only after forgiveness has been extended across various lines of culture and power, can Americans get on the same side of the table, face the problem squarely on the other side, and generate some solid and lasting solutions. We need to say, “It’s the stupid economy”   and then work together on how to make OUR stupid economy work better.

Getting back to the “micro” level, it is good to imagine forgiveness within our own close relationships , for problems that occur during this difficult economy, such as layoffs, credit card problems,   loss of retirement savings in the stock market, and mortgage problems.    Acknowledging personal responsibility    and extending forgiveness can establish peace in our close relationships, and   lead to creative problem-solving.   Recognizing when the problems are no one’s fault can be a big part of the healing and recovery process too.    A successful healing process can make people more resilient and resourceful in the face of future problems, and can even help people to begin to resolve their deeper spiritual questions.   By contrast, remaining mired in the blame game, with perpetual   “bad guys” and victims, solves nothing.    As more of my clients are affected by the recent economic hardships,   I hope and pray along with them that the most dire economic   predictions never become reality. But I am very curious and hopeful about the creative solutions American households can generate when we blame the “stupid economy” and not each other.

Remind Me, How Did We Get This Baby?

Judy Fujimura — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:03:01 -0700

What problem is as pressing on the minds of new parents as the economy? It is the problem of how to maintain their love life. New parents often find themselves divided by the same little person whom they have so recently welcomed to their family. Moms find that fatigue, body image and hormonal fluctuations all deflate sexual desire. Dads may feel some anxiety over their role as provider, and difficult emotions around having to share their wife’s love with someone else. Both Moms and Dads may have mixed feelings about whether it might be selfish to spend time on lovemaking when there are so many other needs to be met.

While the problem is still new and relatively uncomplicated, it’s a good idea for moms, dads, and couples jointly to consider a few ideas for how to nurture the sexual part of their marriage. Moms, try to have empathy for your husband, the changes he is going through, and his need to communicate his love and commitment to you sexually. Verbalize your attraction to him. This lets him know that you want a deep and mature heart connection in your marriage. Remember that it is not only O.K. to take care of yourself, it is essential. Get regular exercise, and don’t put off getting all of the post-natal medical attention you may need. Your arousal pattern may be a little different than before the baby, but this is O.K. Let yourself be free from societal pressure to get back to a perfect pre-pregnancy weight and shape, and remember that husbands take positive notice when you make the effort to look nice.

Dads, be helpful with housework and with the baby, so that your wife can relax knowing that these areas are under control. Work with her to develop a sustainable, mutually acceptable system for handling the family finances. A relaxed wife is more sexually open, and can be more spontaneous with you, than a wife who is worried about the budget and her endless to-do list. Do not expect to be paid back sexually for doing these things, but develop character, stability, and consideration. Emotionally healthy women are turned on by these traits. If you have mixed feelings about having the mother of your children touch you in ways that may now seem improper behavior for a mom, then talk to her about it. Touching each other in ways that you both feel good about is the goal, and there need not be too many restrictions placed on that.

As a married couple, remember that your sexual relations together are a beautiful fulfillment of your covenant bond, and a very tangible reminder of the Trinity at work in your lives and in your home. As such, it is worth the effort of saving some energy and creating some private time to enjoy being sexual together. Make it your goal to respond “Yes” when your spouse initiates sexually. Conversely, don’t let sex become the be-all and end-all. If you miss out on some sex because your baby needs attention, that’s just being a responsible parent. Also, let yourselves off the hook when it comes to maintaining a perfect home, eating perfectly prepared homemade meals, and building perfect resumes. Becoming a parent is even more profound and life-changing than what’s going on with the economy. The rewards for cleaving to each other while nurturing your child are deep and lasting.

What -- Me Worry?

Judy Fujimura — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:23:03 -0700

Do you remember the Mad magazine character with the silly grin, perhaps vacant, perhaps knowing, and the tag line “What – Me Worry?”. Mad magazine, and that silly grin on the cover, gave me many a happy break from the worries of adolescence. No matter what was happening to myself, my friends and family, or in the world of current events, that silly grin was a constant. On Saturday, my long-time friend Laura and I were discussing the current economic problems and their possible repurcussions, when the subject of worry came up. Laura has noticed that many people of faith are worried about what the future holds for themselves and their loved ones, should there be major economic hardships in the future.   She has also noticed that people of faith are wondering whether the current economic and political climate heralds the return of Christ, accompanied by possible tribulations for people around the globe.

Almost universally, parents want to wrestle with important issues in current events, so that they will be prepared with solid answers to their children’s questions on various issues. They want to then prepare for the future based on their best assessment of the situation, so that they can responsibly say “Yes” to a child’s most fundamental question, “Is our family going to be O.K.?”.   Being able to honestly affirm that things will be O.K. is crucial, because children, while they may not have the fully developed intellect to comprehend all the particulars and weigh these for themselves, have a fairly developed intuition, and can therefore “smell a lie” pretty quickly. Intuition, in the therapy world, is simply an early response of the brain and autonomic nervous system, to information that hasn’t been fully processed. If a child’s intuition tells them that Mom or Dad are lying about things being O.K., the child can feel worried and overwhelmed. Conversely, if Mom and Dad are confident that things will be O.K. in the long run, and that the family will get through difficulties together, the child feels safe and does not feel the need to take on adult cares.

On Saturday I told my friend Laura that whatever inconveniences, or even hardships that I or my family would have to endure, would be well worth the priviledge of participating in such a historic event, the return of Christ. She said she found my words encouraging and unique. Today, Monday, as I recalled our conversation, I wondered if my statement had been glib or hasty, with a smile pasted on just like the Mad magazine cover. Can I honestly tell my children that it is going to be O.K.? Have I thought this through? Or will they “smell a lie”?   I imagined our family being one of those “left behind.”   Perhaps my husband and I would have to cook meals for our children over a bunsen burner, because we were forced “off the grid” by a totalitarian anti-religious government. I would probably have to home school them, and they would resent it. They would give us guilt trips about how ALL the other kids get to go to school because their parents “just said” they were agnostics. We would sit around one oil lamp in the evenings, hand-grinding wheat for the next day, planning whom we could barter with for other necessities, and discussing how far each of us had had to walk that day. I can honestly say yes, I would gladly undergo these hardships for the priviledge of participating in Christ’s return, and I think that my husband and I could allay our kids’ concerns as well.

How about a less fanciful, but more probable scenario, in which people of faith would be put into death camps? This one has actually happened before. Inconceivably, a lot of today’s young people here and around the world do not know anything about what is arguably the darkest chapter in human history, and they should be taught about the holocaust, even though it is scary, and politically embarrassing to some governments.    Can I honestly tell my children, “We’re going to be O.K.” when we could be seriously mistreated or killed? Can I face the possibility of relinquishing loved ones and being killed by a firing squad, as did one of my heroes, the pastor and theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer? Really? Honestly, yes. Perhaps this is because my family and I have lived through a major crisis – our home is three blocks from the World Trade Center site – and I know from experience that God keeps very close to those in crisis, pain or grief. Of course we have had some genuine fears for the future, from chemical warfare to financial ruin. My desire to participate in what God is building next far outweighs my fears about the future. God’s faithfulness in the past has grown my trust in Him for the future. This is the message I want to convey to my children, and this is what really keeps me smiling.

A Moving Picture

Judy Fujimura — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 08:58:23 -0700

My summer has gotten off to a very busy start, despite all attempts at R & R, but for a joyful reason. My son is getting married at the end of this month, and our family members are putting all of our efforts into giving him and his fiancée a great launching into married life. Truly, they have our blessing and our emotional support as they start their shared life together. They have also had to bear the constant scrutiny of a mom/future mother-in-law who is a marriage and family therapist, and who also provides premarital counseling for other couples. Over the last two years I have observed how they treat each other, their body language, and their choices. My husband and I have conversed with the young couple about their values and future plans. I have listened in on their (very occasional) arguments, to the best of my eavesdropping abilities – my bad, I know – to determine whether they “fight well”. I have checked them out on every scale and predictor of marital success that I know of. Why? Because we care so much about them and their future, and we are quite aware of the pressures on marriage in our day, and because this is the help I am qualified to offer.

The movie “I Think I Love My Wife,” starring Chris Rock and Gina Torres (2007), portrays with high-definition accuracy the current pressures against marriage, and how couples can resist those pressures. I found it very funny too. The protagonists are a married couple with two small children, who find that, although they still love each other, they never make love. The kids, the job, the house, and other responsibilities are sapping all of the couple’s energies. Never being able to get together sexually creates fears for both of them that the marriage may be over. When the husband’s predatory single co-worker enters the scene, it appears as if this could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for this marriage. However, they have some essential couple skills working in their favor, which give the marriage a fighting chance. Here is a short list of skills to cultivate for those who want a long-lasting marriage:

When one spouse speaks, the other listens

When one spouse makes a suggestion, the other takes it seriously

Both spouses are willing to laugh at their own faults

Both spouses study the habits and preferences of the other, striving to become the expert on the other.

Both spouses feel equal, and feel like adults in the marriage

There is a sense of playfulness in the marriage

Both spouses suggest changes in a positive way

There is no personal criticism or name-calling, or shutting out the other with silence

Both spouses are responsible with their use of money and time, and they take good care of their physical health

Both spouses desire each other sexually

Both spouses have a sense that they are actively participating in their shared history, “the story of us”

If readers have noticed other “saving graces” in their own marriages, I would love to read about them. I will check in after we get these young people married. And yes, I predict that it will be a long and happy marriage for my son and his fiancée, despite all of the pressures out there. They present a very moving picture of the kind of life that two young people can build together.

My Parents Taught Me to be Human

Judy Fujimura — Tue, 27 May 2008 07:56:44 -0700

     When I accepted a position as therapist in a group practice in New York City, I had one reservation about the population I would be serving. I had three small children at the time, and was committed heart and soul to the parenting process, and to my children’s healthy development spiritually, physically, emotionally and educationally. Being eleven years into the process of parenting, I was quite aware of how much I had been investing for their benefit. Naturally I was concerned that if my younger clients complained about their parents, I might not be able to empathize with my client, and might actually side with the absent parent.

     What I encountered in my sessions quite surprised me. Most of my clients spoke of their parents with gratitude, pride and love. They wanted to understand their growing-up years from their parents’ perspective, and had sympathy for the struggles of their parents. Of course there were many who had sought counseling because of significant woundedness in their families of origin, which limited their ability to empathize with their parents, or to love and respect them. Interestingly enough, these clients looked forward to the day when they would make peace with the parents who had at times neglected or abused them, or failed to protect them.

    On a very fundamental human level, there is a part of each of us that remembers what it felt like to be young and helpless, and when it would be life-threatening to be without love and nurture. When a parent is a good parent, we never forget to need them, and to love them for their care, sacrifice and modeling of what it is to be human. Sure, there are mixed feelings, bad memories, and hurtful words exchanged in even the best of families. But around Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day, when we have the opportunity to show Mom and Dad our appreciation, it can be helpful to reflect on why we have parents.

1 – Parents teach life skills, with purpose.   What do humans do when they are hungry, tired, or need connection? One family may teach a child to communicate hunger, and then feed that child whenever the child is hungry. Another family teaches children to communicate hunger, but to wait until the family eats together to be fed. Parents of young children often vow to teach their child differently than how they were taught. What was learned from the parents, in either case, is that healthy parents notice a child’s needs, and then organize solutions around those needs. Healthy families communicate that beyond mere survival, someone cares about the child as a person. Parents who meet their child’s basic need consistently, and while communicating personal interest in the child, have children who are more hopeful and purpose-filled.

2 – Parents teach not only values, but also that there are such things as values. Babies show concern and distress when they notice that another baby is in distress. Parents teach children that there are ways to respond to another’s distress, and that they can comfort someone who is suffering. In healthy families children learn right from wrong, but healthy parents also go beyond teaching consequences. They teach that there isn’t a rule governing every situation, so that sometimes a young person will have to really think and process what the right response is to a given situation. They teach that “doing the right thing” matters because every human being is worthy of dignity for their humanity. When a young person chooses to make bad choices, good parents lovingly remind him or her of the values involved.

3 – Parents teach sacrifice, and to expect sacrifice. Sharing toys, taking turns, and breaking the candy bar into fair halves, are all childhood exercises that lead children to be thoughtful of others, and to expect thoughtfulness from the people they are close to. When parents coach their child to pick out a really nice birthday gift for their friend, and not just the first thing they see in the store, kids learn to think beyond themselves. The popularity of various service projects for teens speaks to the desire among today’s parents for their teens to learn that the needs of people out there are just as important as getting good grades. Experiencing “life after sacrifice” leads young people to be givers, and to be attracted to others who are generous with their time, talents, and finances.

Parents teach us that people need people, not just skills. They teach us about values, and that humans are more than just a collection of atoms. They teach us to give of ourselves, and to expect sacrifice from someone who loves us. Even through their mistakes, parents show us that something is wrong, or missing in our lives. In this Mother’s Day and Father’s Day season, if you have a parent who taught you to be human, you have much to be thankful for.

Listening, Another Way to Make the World a Better Place

Judy Fujimura — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 12:44:07 -0700

In my last blog entry for Conversant, I suggested two ways that the average person can make a difference in the world, even in response to the world’s largest senseless tragedies. They are: 1) to volunteer time on a regular, committed basis with an established group, and 2) to give away money on a regular, committed basis to a group that you think is doing good in the world. The third, and perhaps most difficult, is to commit to becoming a consistently better listener. In a world in which people usually ignore, shout down or shoot down one another, the habit of consistently good listening could get you noticed strictly for the surprise value. It is the last thing anyone expects. Many of my clients have even voiced that they do not feel that they deserve to be heard, or that what they have to say has any value. If I quickly respond that I care about their ideas and their story, and that I want to hear their words, they usually respond that they suspect that I only listen because I am paid to listen. My protestations to the contrary do not change the client’s view on this, which is really sad. Is there so little effective listening in the world that people don’t even expect to be heard unless they pay for it? Does the average person understand that real listening can’t be bought, any more than real lovemaking can be bought? How would the world be changed by the addition of a few more great listeners?

In the interests of becoming a better listener, and thereby changing the world, perhaps it would be helpful first to think back to the last really great conversation you enjoyed, and what made that conversation so worthwhile. It may have been the subject matter, such as talking about your favorite sports team with a co-worker, whom you had not known was a likeminded fan. Lively debate among friends can be just as satisfying. Other conversations are memorable because they addressed one of life’s deeper questions, or touched a deep emotion. A conversation that includes old friends and new friends can reveal hidden aspects of your personality, and your friend’s personality. A really good conversation cannot be replaced by other forms of human communication, as efficient, interesting, or pleasurable as those other forms of communication might be in their own ways. It’s possible that you can’t remember the last time you had a really great conversation, and that’s a symptom in itself that the world needs more good listeners.

Here’s how to get started:

1. Be fully present. Look at the person, not e-gadgets, media, a beautiful person walking past, etc. Notice body language, mood, and facial expressions, but don’t comment on them.
2. Listen to the whole statement, all the way to the period.
3. Ask follow-up questions, such as “What happened next?” or “How did that change you?” If talking with a close friend, it is appropriate to ask about emotions, as in, “How did you feel back then?” Remember to follow points #1 and #2 above while the person answers your question.
4. Be “free”. There is no hidden fee for your time, and the other person is not expected to reciprocate by listening to you just because you listened to them.
5. Repeat to the speaker what you think you heard. Ask if you were correct
6. Be safe. If people know that you can be trusted not to broadcast their personal information to the world, or use their information for your own personal gain, then they will be more real with you.

Putting the above six listening skills into practice requires a genuine desire to connect with the other person. It is important to communicate that you are more interested in the speaker than in lively debate, personality traits, useful information, or an emotional experience. Just being fully present with the other person, and suspending one’s own life for a few minutes in order to experience the other’s world, is an incarnational act, a free gift from the listener to the speaker. The experience of being exclusively and completely heard by another human being can be life-changing for someone living in an over-scheduled, media- and technology-filled world. Being heard lets people know that they are not alone with their problems. It lets them know that there is healing after tragedy, and that there is someone who cares about what they think is beautiful and important. Good listening requires a little sacrifice, but can powerfully communicate Christ’s presence in the world, and thereby make the world a better place.

A Band-Aid for Sudan, or Something More?

Judy Fujimura — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:37:54 -0800

Ongoing, senseless large-scale suffering, such as that happening in the Darfur region of Sudan, leaves people feeling isolated, hopeless, and without meaning. We wonder why one country, or one household, would enjoy blessing, while another suffers from natural disasters, violence, hunger, or all three. The proper response to suffering, or how to help suffering people, can be equally confounding as the question of why people suffer. Why does suffering,our own and others’, make us feel so helpless, so crushed? Where does anyone find the inner strength to help meaningfully? Will the next generation be indifferent to suffering, having grown up saturated with materialism and separated from others by techno-gadgets? Or will they embrace a lifestyle of empathy and compassion on a global scale never before witnessed?

As I contemplate ongoing and senseless tragedies, such as the situation in the Darfur region of Sudan; such as the AIDS epidemic; the slow restoration of New Orleans; or the fact that there are children in my own city who will go to bed without dinner tonight, all of the above questions crowd my mind. Even my very myopic American-style understanding of what is happening in the world leaves me disturbed enough to want to do something NOW to restore relationship, meaning, and hope. While psychotherapists are expected to live lives of compassion and empathy, I believe that all human beings are designed to care about the welfare of others, and that we all benefit from acting on the urge to help.

Helen Harris Perlman, in her book “Relationship”, a classic textbook and treatise on social work, argued that human connectedness helps suffering people as much as the actual help received. Without human connection, the help received by the suffering person does not feel helpful. The help received can actually feel like just another intrusion into the suffering person’s life, and does not help them to feel that life is getting back to normal. Human beings simply do not feel normal and functional without human connection, even when their material needs are being supplied.

The Webster’s dictionary defines empathy as “identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings or thoughts of another person”. Compassion is defined as “a feeling of deep sympathy for another’s suffering or misfortune”. These two nouns are best understood together, and they both infuse helping with relating. Everyday identification with what it might be like to have the thoughts or feelings of another, an attempt to experience life from his everyday vantage point, is the daily discipline that builds the empathic muscles, so to speak, needed to feel genuine compassion, and then toact on it.

Genuine compassion is the ability to deeply feel with suffering people, with the desire to assist them in any way possible outweighing the desire to flee from their pain. This takes emotional fitness, to be sure, but anyone can build his or her empathic muscles, in readiness for a compassionate response to deep suffering. Jesus Christ led a life of empathy, starting with the desire and plan to be incarnated into human likeness, continuing through his personal life and public ministry, and culminating in his ultimate act of compassion, namely his sacrifice on the cross.

Jesus Christ’s passion was His compassion. His ultimate act of compassion rescues humanity from our largest senseless tragedy, the prospect of a permanent death, separated from God. All of Christ’s compassionate acts were part of his overarching goal of making God’s love known to people. At the end of his high-priestly prayer, Jesus prays “I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known, in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them”. There is tremendous power in the imitation of Christ’s example, even if the average church-goer feels like the proverbial ninety-five-pound weakling by comparison. Sure, average, untrained people feel ill-equipped, but Christ also promised that we would do greater works than he did. So how can average people sustainably build theirempathic muscles, let hurting people know that they are loved, and meet their tangible needs?

How to build empathic muscles

First, build regular helping into your lifestyle. Volunteer with an established programon a weekly or monthly basis. Devote some of your vacation time to service work. Advocate politically for disadvantaged people. Make a financial pledge promise to an organization that helps people, and participate in their gatherings. Make acommitment. Let people count on you. Know that there is always something that you can do. Christians believe in the power of prayer to change things. Prayer could be a first response, or a last resort, but it is integral in helping hurting people. In the case of the Darfur region of Sudan, I was able to consult a neighbor of mine who writes on the Middle Eastand Africa, and has traveled extensively to some of the most devastated areas there. He recommended supporting Doctors Without Borders, noting that they do great medical work in war zones, and are often the last to evacuate. He also recommended supporting the advocacy group Human Rights Watch, which, he says, is relentless in calling attention to injustice, regardless of the fashion of the moment.

Secondly, don’t expect to feel good, or to be thanked. Hurting people are sometimes not able to feel thankful, or to connect with others. This is a normal reaction to trauma or ongoing stressors. Sadly, a large proportion of the world’s trauma survivors have had ongoing high stress prior to the trauma, such as deprivation, a family crisis, or political upheaval. Hurting people are often angry at their situation, other people, God, and/or Satan, and they are not usually going to feel better the minute they receive help. They may direct some of their anger at their helpers. However, you are probably in a better position to absorb the tension than they are to process the emotions of the moment, so it may be wise to forego commenting on their anger. Also, remember that the full-time employees of helping organizations are stretched to their physical, emotional and financial limits, and hosting volunteers is actually extra work for them. They don’t mind doing the extra work of getting volunteers acclimated to their environment, because they want to share their passion. However, they really don’t have time to toss bouquets your way.

Finally, expect to be changed by the experience of habitual empathy. Not only will your empathic muscles be prepared for the more heroic acts of compassion when the need arises, but you will be changed in other ways as well. A lot of people start out sharing their time or money without a clear rationale for their efforts, and gradually become very passionate and articulate advocates for a cause. The need to be constantly entertained and pampered diminishes. It is replaced by inner strength. Training your mind to think about another person’s reality, and what their life actually entails, provides freedom and rest from thinking about one’s own problems and issues, making you more mature. Expect to cry more. For every bowl of soup you give out, there will be ten more people who haunt you because you suspect they went to bed hungry. Crying isn’t bad for you. It shows people that you love them, and that God loves them too.

Many of my clients, in the midst of their greatest difficulties, talk about their desire to help someone else. When they act on the urge to help, they report that they experience all of the changes mentioned above. The next generation has an unprecedented ability to demonstrate compassion on a global scale, to alleviate suffering, and to solve some of the problems that will be dumped onto their laps. They deserve to be taught how to do this, and to be supported in their efforts to become people of empathy and compassion.