My husband and I celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary  this summer,  but  we are not in a relationship.  We were in a relationship before we got married, but  as of August 13, 1983, we have not been in a relationship.  We do talk to each other,  and we do live  in the same home.   We have physical contact,   and  three beautiful  children as evidence of that.   In fact, we are deeply  connected  at a heart and soul level.   So why  the steadfast refusal to enter into a relationship with my spouse?  Isn’t it a little late in the game to be thinking about getting close to each other?   The reason is that people in a relationship stay together or move apart, based on how they are relating to each other;  while  people who are married stay together or move  apart  based on mutual legally documented promises  made  at  the wedding, and their  discernment  as to whether those promises are being kept, have been broken with hope of repair, or have been irrevocably  broken.

continue reading

Some Conversant  readers  may be old enough to remember  former President Bill Clinton’s slogan during his first election campaign, in 1992,  “It’s the economy, Stupid!”  I remember  the  era  fairly well, and was surprised at that time by the huge  popularity  of what I considered to be  a rather  insulting message,  aimed at the Republican administration.    When there is a distressing  national problem, it seems natural to want to find the origin of that problem as the first step towards solving it.  But finding where the problem started is just the beginning of the process of changing things for the better.  The same thing is true in close  relationships.  Finding the origins of problems is basic to what we do in psychotherapy.   But there is so much more.  

continue reading

What problem is as pressing on the minds of new parents as the economy?  It is the problem of how to maintain their love life.  New parents often find themselves divided by the same little person whom they have so recently welcomed to their family.  Moms find that fatigue, body image and hormonal fluctuations all deflate sexual desire.  Dads may feel some anxiety over their role as provider, and difficult emotions around having to share their wife’s love with someone else.  Both Moms and Dads may have mixed feelings about whether it might be selfish to spend time on lovemaking when there are so many other needs to be met.  

While the problem is still new and relatively uncomplicated, it’s a good idea for moms, dads, and couples jointly to consider a few ideas for how to nurture the sexual part of their marriage.  Moms, try to have empathy for your husband, the changes he is going through, and his need to communicate his love and commitment to you sexually.  Verbalize your attraction to him.  This lets him know that you want a deep and mature  heart connection in your marriage.  Remember that it is not only O.K. to take care of yourself,  it is essential.  Get regular exercise, and don’t put off getting all of the post-natal medical attention you may need.  Your arousal pattern may be a little different than before the baby, but this is O.K.    Let yourself be free from societal pressure to get back to a perfect pre-pregnancy weight and shape, and remember that husbands take positive notice when you make the effort to look nice.   

continue reading

Do you remember the Mad magazine character with the silly grin, perhaps vacant, perhaps knowing, and the tag line “What – Me Worry?”.  Mad magazine, and that silly grin on the cover, gave me many a happy break from the worries of adolescence.  No matter what was happening to myself, my friends and family, or in the world of current events, that silly grin was a constant.  On Saturday, my long-time friend Laura and I were discussing the current economic problems and their possible repurcussions, when the subject of worry came up.  Laura has noticed that many people of faith are worried about what the future holds for themselves and their loved ones, should there be major economic hardships in the future.   She has also noticed that people of faith are  wondering whether the current economic and political climate heralds the return of Christ, accompanied by possible tribulations for people around the globe.  

continue reading

My summer has gotten off to a very busy start, despite all attempts at R & R, but for a joyful reason. My son is getting married at the end of this month, and our family members are putting all of our efforts into giving him and his fiancée a great launching into married life. Truly, they have our blessing and our emotional support as they start their shared life together. They have also had to bear the constant scrutiny of a mom/future mother-in-law who is a marriage and family therapist, and who also provides premarital counseling for other couples. Over the last two years I have observed how they treat each other, their body language, and their choices. My husband and I have conversed with the young couple about their values and future plans. I have listened in on their (very occasional) arguments, to the best of my eavesdropping abilities – my bad, I know – to determine whether they “fight well”. I have checked them out on every scale and predictor of marital success that I know of. Why? Because we care so much about them and their future, and we are quite aware of the pressures on marriage in our day, and because this is the help I am qualified to offer.

The movie “I Think I Love My Wife,” starring Chris Rock and Gina Torres (2007), portrays with high-definition accuracy the current pressures against marriage, and how couples can resist those pressures. I found it very funny too. The protagonists are a married couple with two small children, who find that, although they still love each other, they never make love. The kids, the job, the house, and other responsibilities are sapping all of the couple’s energies. Never being able to get together sexually creates fears for both of them that the marriage may be over. When the husband’s predatory single co-worker enters the scene, it appears as if this could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for this marriage. However, they have some essential couple skills working in their favor, which give the marriage a fighting chance. Here is a short list of skills to cultivate for those who want a long-lasting marriage:

1. When one spouse speaks, the other listens
2. When one spouse makes a suggestion, the other takes it seriously
3. Both spouses are willing to laugh at their own faults
4. Both spouses study the habits and preferences of the other, striving to become the expert on the other.
5. Both spouses feel equal, and feel like adults in the marriage
6. There is a sense of playfulness in the marriage
7. Both spouses suggest changes in a positive way
8. There is no personal criticism or name-calling, or shutting out the other with silence
9. Both spouses are responsible with their use of money and time, and they take good care of their physical health
10. Both spouses desire each other sexually
11. Both spouses have a sense that they are actively participating in their shared history, “the story of us”

continue reading

     When I accepted a position as therapist in a group practice in New York City, I had one reservation about the population I would be serving.  I had three small children at the time, and was committed heart and soul to the parenting process, and to my children’s healthy development spiritually, physically, emotionally and educationally.  Being eleven years into the process of parenting, I was quite aware of how much I had been investing for their benefit.  Naturally I was concerned that if my younger clients complained about their parents, I might not be able to empathize with my client, and might actually side with the absent parent.  

     What I encountered in my sessions quite surprised me.  Most of my clients spoke of their parents with gratitude, pride and love. They wanted to understand their growing-up years from their parents’ perspective, and had sympathy for the struggles of their parents. Of course there were many who had sought counseling because of significant woundedness in their families of origin, which limited their ability to empathize with their parents, or to love and respect them.  Interestingly enough, these clients looked forward to the day when they would make peace with the parents who had at times neglected or abused them, or failed to protect them.  

    On a very fundamental human level, there is a part of each of us that remembers what it felt like to be young and helpless, and when it would be life-threatening to be without love and nurture.  When a parent is a good parent, we never forget to need them, and to love them for their care, sacrifice and modeling of what it is to be human.  Sure, there are mixed feelings, bad memories, and hurtful words exchanged in even the best of families.  But around Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day, when we have the opportunity to show Mom and Dad our appreciation, it can be helpful to reflect on why we have parents.  

1 – Parents teach life skills, with purpose.   What do humans do when they are hungry, tired, or need connection?  One family may teach a child to communicate hunger, and then feed that child whenever the child is hungry.  Another family teaches children to communicate hunger, but to wait until the family eats together to be fed.  Parents of young children often vow to teach their child differently than how they were taught.  What was learned from the parents, in either case, is that healthy parents notice a child’s needs, and then organize solutions around those needs.  Healthy families communicate that beyond mere survival, someone cares about the child as a person.  Parents who meet their child’s basic need consistently, and while communicating personal interest in the child, have children who are more hopeful and purpose-filled.

2 – Parents teach not only values, but also that there are such things as values.  Babies show concern and distress when they notice that another baby is in distress.  Parents teach children that there are ways to respond to another’s distress, and that they can comfort someone who is suffering.  In healthy families children learn right from wrong, but healthy parents also go beyond teaching consequences.  They teach that there isn’t a rule governing every situation, so that sometimes a young person will have to really think and process what the right response is to a given situation.  They teach that  “doing the right thing” matters because every human being is worthy of dignity for their humanity.  When a young person chooses to make bad choices, good parents lovingly remind him or her of the values involved.

3 – Parents teach sacrifice, and to expect sacrifice.  Sharing toys, taking turns, and breaking the candy bar into fair halves, are all childhood exercises that lead children to be thoughtful of others, and to expect thoughtfulness from the people they are close to.  When parents coach their child to pick out a really nice birthday gift for their friend, and not just the first thing they see in the store, kids learn to think beyond themselves.  The popularity of various service projects for teens speaks to the desire among today’s parents for their teens to learn that the needs of people out there are just as important as getting good grades.  Experiencing “life after sacrifice” leads young people to be givers, and to be attracted to others who are generous with their time, talents, and finances.

continue reading

In my last blog entry for Conversant, I suggested two ways that the average person can make a difference in the world, even in response to the world’s largest senseless tragedies. They are: 1) to volunteer time on a regular, committed basis with an established group, and 2) to give away money on a regular, committed basis to a group that you think is doing good in the world. The third, and perhaps most difficult, is to commit to becoming a consistently better listener. In a world in which people usually ignore, shout down or shoot down one another, the habit of consistently good listening could get you noticed strictly for the surprise value. It is the last thing anyone expects. Many of my clients have even voiced that they do not feel that they deserve to be heard, or that what they have to say has any value. If I quickly respond that I care about their ideas and their story, and that I want to hear their words, they usually respond that they suspect that I only listen because I am paid to listen. My protestations to the contrary do not change the client’s view on this, which is really sad. Is there so little effective listening in the world that people don’t even expect to be heard unless they pay for it? Does the average person understand that real listening can’t be bought, any more than real lovemaking can be bought? How would the world be changed by the addition of a few more great listeners?

continue reading

Ongoing, senseless large-scale suffering, such as that happening in the Darfur region of Sudan, leaves people feeling isolated, hopeless, and without meaning.  We wonder why one country, or one household, would enjoy blessing, while another suffers from natural disasters, violence, hunger, or all three.  The proper response to suffering, or how to help suffering people, can be equally confounding as the question of why people suffer.  Why does suffering,our own and others’, make us feel so helpless, so crushed?  Where does anyone find the inner strength to help meaningfully?  Will the next generation be indifferent to suffering, having grown up saturated with materialism and separated from others by techno-gadgets?  Or will they embrace a lifestyle of empathy and compassion on a global scale never before witnessed?      

As I contemplate ongoing and senseless tragedies, such as the situation in the Darfur region of Sudan; such as the AIDS epidemic; the slow restoration of New Orleans; or the fact that there are children in my own city who will go to bed without dinner tonight, all of the above questions crowd my mind.

     One of my favorite television programs as a young person was a show called Fantasy Island.  Those old enough to remember this seventies phenomenon can recall the beauty and promise of the island, the joy of hopes realized by the guests, and the hospitality, poise and gentility of the island’s owner and manager, Mr. Roarke, played by Ricardo Montalban, and that of his assistant Tattoo, played by Herve Villachaize.    Every Saturday night, the show would open with an image of Mr. Roarke’s private plane approaching the sunny Hawaiian island, joyfully heralded by Tattoo calling, “Boss, the plane!  The plane!”  and pointing to the sky.  Then Ricardo Montalban would look into the camera with his steady, welcoming gaze, and say, “Welcome, to FantasyIsland” .  The  two men, looking dapper in matching white Panama style suits, and their competent staff, ready at their posts of service, would warmly welcome a new group of guests as they disembarked the private plane.

In 2007, the world looked on as yet another sports figure and role model, Marion Jones,  admitted to having used a banned substance while competing.  Following the news about Ms. Jones came the list of fifty professional athletes, many of them baseball players, who had also used banned substances in their respective sports.  Despite the heavy coverage of these events in the media, including discussions of whether or how  players should be penalized for these violations, and how these revelations will change professional sports, the public seems to have reacted with disappointment and perhaps sadness, but not with outrage or shock.  Does this mean that news about players using banned substances is no longer news?  Did the public suspect all along that performance-enhancing drugs were a big part of professional sports, given the many cases that have been made public over the last few years?  In the future, will there be public approval of performance-enhancing drugs, such that the rules may change in the next few years?  And how will future athletes be affected by the norms that are established today?

continue reading