Can it possibly be just three years ago that the television program Jon and Kate Plus Eight first appeared? My daughter first discovered the program, featuring a family with twins and sextuplets, living in Eastern Pennsylvania, and introduced our family to the program. I, and millions of others, quickly became fascinated with them all. As the controversy and possible scandal swirl over recent events associated with the family, they are being pressured to deal publicly with very private issues. As they struggle, the public is left with the comparative luxury of debating as to what would be the appropriate position to take on the many difficult dilemmas that the Gosselins must resolve. I would argue that the process of resolving the dilemmas of people we don’t know personally does much more for the person sitting in the comfortable armchair of judge than it does for the person sitting in the hot seat of judgment. It tells us a lot about how we process our own dilemmas, and what we value. Thinking about other people’s dilemmas reveals how we process our own failures and successes.
Thinking first about the many dilemmas faced by the Gosselins, it would be possible to come up with a short list:
1. Should people pursue IVF treatment, knowing that they may have to face the impossible dilemma of whether to end one or more human lives by not implanting all of the embryos produced by the treatment?
2. Should a parent then implant all embryos that develop from an IVF treatment?
3. Should the surrounding community assist parents of multiples, giving of their time and finances? What if community members disagree with IVF, or with parent who have large families, due to environmental or other concerns?
4. How much privacy should parents be expected to give up in order to produce an interesting television program about their family?
5. Is it O.K. to create a family event for the sake of television ratings?
6. At what age should a child be allowed to decide for himself or herself how much privacy they want and need?
7. How long is it a good idea to keep one’s children in the public eye?
8. How much stress is “too much” stress for adults and children in a reality television program, and how is that determined?
9. Is it wrong to have an emotional affair?
10. Is it O.K. to observe other people’s lives on television?
Emotionally healthy people resolve their difficult personal dilemmas based on their own deeply held personal values. When emotions are high regarding an issue, this is usually a signal that the issue touches a deeply held personal value. The reverse can also be true, that we feel blasé or numb about an issue at first, because our emotions around it are so intense that we are uncomfortable approaching them, and our emotional self has shut down a little, as a form of self-protection. A skillful psychotherapist helps people in difficult dilemmas to identify the emotions that the issue touches, and to provide empathy for the person’s emotional experience. Probable outcomes of various answers to a dilemma can then be explored. The next task is for the person who is in the dilemma to make the best decision they can. A good decision is one that takes the emotions and probable outcomes into consideration, but above all, aligns with the decisionmaker’s deeply held personal values. A person can be at peace with a decision, even if it puts oneself at a disadvantage and causes much personal pain, as long as one does not violate one’s own personal value system. Couples face the more challenging task of resolving dilemmas in ways that align with the deeply held personal values of both spouses. Successful resolution of one’s more difficult dilemmas builds maturity and emotional health over time. But we can even learn from poor decisions, if we process the consequences of them.
continue reading