Can it possibly be just three years ago that the television program Jon and Kate Plus Eight first appeared?   My daughter first discovered the program, featuring a family with twins and sextuplets, living in Eastern Pennsylvania, and introduced our family to the program.    I, and millions of others, quickly became fascinated with them all.   As the controversy and possible scandal swirl over recent events associated with the family, they are being pressured to deal publicly with very private issues.   As they struggle, the public is left with the comparative luxury of debating as to what would be the appropriate position to take on the many difficult dilemmas that the Gosselins must resolve.   I would argue that the process of resolving the dilemmas of people we don’t know personally does much more for the person sitting in the comfortable armchair of judge than it does for the person sitting in the hot seat of judgment.   It tells us a lot about how we process our own dilemmas, and what we value.   Thinking about other people’s dilemmas reveals how we process our own failures and successes.

Thinking first about the many dilemmas faced by the Gosselins, it would be possible to come up with a short list:

1. Should people pursue IVF treatment, knowing that they may have to face the impossible dilemma of whether to end one or more human lives by not implanting all of the embryos produced by the treatment?
2. Should a parent then implant all embryos that develop from an IVF treatment?
3. Should the surrounding community assist parents of multiples, giving of their time and finances?   What if community members disagree with IVF, or with parent who have large families, due to environmental or other concerns?
4. How much privacy should parents be expected to give up in order to produce an interesting television program about their family?  
5. Is it O.K. to create a family event for the sake of television ratings?
6. At what age should a child be allowed to decide for himself or herself how much privacy they want and need?  
7. How long is it a good idea to keep one’s children in the public eye?
8. How much stress is “too much” stress for adults and children in a reality television program, and how is that determined?
9. Is it wrong to have an emotional affair?
10.    Is it O.K. to observe other people’s lives on television?


Emotionally healthy people resolve their difficult personal dilemmas based on their own deeply held personal values.   When emotions are high regarding an issue, this is usually a signal that the issue touches a deeply held personal value.   The reverse can also be true, that we feel blasé or numb about an issue at first, because our emotions around it are so intense that we are uncomfortable approaching them, and our emotional self has shut down a little, as a form of self-protection.   A skillful psychotherapist helps people in difficult dilemmas to identify the emotions that the issue touches, and to provide empathy for the person’s emotional experience.   Probable outcomes of various answers to a dilemma can then be explored.   The next task is for the person who is in the dilemma to make the best decision they can.   A good decision is one that takes the emotions and probable outcomes into consideration, but above all, aligns with the decisionmaker’s deeply held personal values.    A person can be at peace with a decision, even if it puts oneself at a disadvantage and causes much personal pain, as long as one does not violate one’s own personal value system.   Couples face the more challenging task of resolving dilemmas in ways that align with the deeply held personal values of both spouses.   Successful resolution of one’s more difficult dilemmas builds maturity and emotional health over time.   But we can even learn from poor decisions, if we process the consequences of them.    

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Every so often, in New York City or elsewhere, I notice a family group that appears to be a blended family or a parent and child with the parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend.   I am always curious about their experience, what it’s like to be in their position.   In a train station, I recently noticed a woman and man with, I presume, the man’s young daughter.   The little girl resembled the man and not the woman.   Neither adult wore a wedding ring.   The woman was well groomed, very fit, and wore stylish clothes and high heels.   As the little girl prattled on, the woman listened attentively, making frequent eye contact with the little girl,   while the father looked on with an expression combining caution and need.   I imagine that the girl’s mother probably didn’t have such a nice haircut, and she probably wasn’t as fit as this woman.   The mother probably wears simple shoes that can be worn to the office or to the playground.   She wouldn’t need to be making constant eye contact with the little girl, because the little girl would be making frequent eye contact and physical contact with her.   All of the characters in this vignette have extremely difficult roles to play, but the step-parent or potential step-parent has the least understood role, and faces unique challenges, including the following:   

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As I write this blog on a quiet Sunday afternoon in New York City, people seem to be taking a short rest from the stress and trauma of recent economic events.   We are also enjoying a welcome break from winter weather.   We can all start thinking about the stresses of the real world tomorrow, but for now people have a few hours to watch some sports, hug a loved one, get some exercise, or take a nap.    Tomorrow, when all of the stress comes back, one way to help oneself and others to get through the stress and emerge stronger is to develop a lifestyle of affirming others.   

Dr. Gary Chapman’s book,, The Five Love Languages, is a helpful resource for learning some new strategies for affirming others.   He outlines physical touch, time and attention, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service as prime ways to affirm others.   With careful observation and a little creativity, one can learn the favorite love languages of the special people in one’s life, and make a point to include loving acts and words in   daily interactions with them.   It’s an easy concept, and so easy to implement that a five-year-old could do it.   In fact, five-year-olds and children even younger do affirm those they love.   Parents and caregivers are amazed every day by the kindness of children.   So if humans have such an apparent capacity to develop a lifestyle of affirmation, why do so few people feel that they are doing a good job of affirming those they love, and why do so few people feel affirmed?

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My family is in an expectant mode these days, as our second son goes through the college application process and awaits responses from schools.   His process is particularly complex, as he is required to undergo auditions in several cities in addition to the usual written applications.   Another layer of complexity is added by the option of taking a semester or a year off between high school and college to work in the music world.    As our son prepares for all things new, I am filled with the sense that I have had this dream before, felt these feelings, thought these thoughts.    It occurs to me that launching a child feels a lot like pregnancy.   Our family is traveling through thirty-eight weeks in reverse.

Last fall, the start of senior year, was the excited but nauseous stage, as our son’s new life outside of our home became tangible.   He and others said things like, “Next Thanksgiving you’ll be coming back from college for the holiday.”    The nausea enters when we consider how strong the competition is for entry into these schools.   It seems that other applicants and their parents must be doing more, or doing it better.     It’s not the Sartre-esque nausea of despair and meaningless, thank goodness; only the kind of nausea that comes with anxious nerves.   But in a lot of households despair can and does set in, and this is something I watch for very closely as a clinician and as a friend.   

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At the beginning of 2008 I read Alissa Wilkinson’s terrific blog on the subject of loving books, and was quite taken with her idea of  recording all of the books one has read for the whole calendar year.  So here’s my list for 2008, with some accompanying commentary.  One thing I noticed while looking over my list is that they all have human relationships at their center.  

1 - The Merchant of Venice – William Shakespeare.  This play always gets me thinking about the eternal problem of how difficult it is for diverse people groups to get along.  Shylock always reminds me that even the most difficult and annoying people deserve empathy.  If other people cannot provide it, there is the assurance that God has provided difficult people with the empathy they need, in the person of Jesus Christ.  

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In a historic and pivotal year for our Nation, my thoughts run daily from macrocosm to microcosm.   With the backdrop of historic elections and tectonic changes in the world economy, my family has undergone many changes as well.   One child is applying to colleges, and our youngest will soon be the only child in the house.   By far the highlight of the year was the marriage of our oldest son to his high school sweetheart.   My uncle, who is a Catholic priest, gave the invocation at the wedding.   His words aptly encapsulated our family’s feelings and hopes for the young couple as they launch their lives together.   Here are my uncle’s words:

Let us remember that we are in the holy presence of God.

O Gracious and loving God – reach down and caress our Bride and Groom today. Strengthen them to be faithful to the vows they will pronounce. Bless them as they begin their life together with each other and with you.

In a world of chaos – let them bring order.
In a world of selfishness – let them have a loving concern for each other.
In a world of instant results – let them be ready for the long haul.
May they celebrate 25 and 50 years of marriage.
In a world of war – let them be persons of peace.
In a world if individualism – let them share their love with each other and with their children.
In a world that stresses wealth – let them share their resources and serve the needy and the poor.
In a world of selfishness – let them paint a portrait of goodness and beauty and love, remembering that each day, the greatest in the Kingdom of God is the one who serves the needs of all.   

O Lord, may the lives of their parents be a foundation of their life together.   May they build their life together on the foundation of faith, love, and service given to them by their parents.   O Lord, listen to our prayer today.   May they be especially blessed by You today.   May they live life united with you and with each other.   May they live to see their children’s children.   May they receive from you the rewards of a good life and live with You for all eternity.   Amen.

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My husband and I celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary  this summer,  but  we are not in a relationship.  We were in a relationship before we got married, but  as of August 13, 1983, we have not been in a relationship.  We do talk to each other,  and we do live  in the same home.   We have physical contact,   and  three beautiful  children as evidence of that.   In fact, we are deeply  connected  at a heart and soul level.   So why  the steadfast refusal to enter into a relationship with my spouse?  Isn’t it a little late in the game to be thinking about getting close to each other?   The reason is that people in a relationship stay together or move apart, based on how they are relating to each other;  while  people who are married stay together or move  apart  based on mutual legally documented promises  made  at  the wedding, and their  discernment  as to whether those promises are being kept, have been broken with hope of repair, or have been irrevocably  broken.

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Some Conversant  readers  may be old enough to remember  former President Bill Clinton’s slogan during his first election campaign, in 1992,  “It’s the economy, Stupid!”  I remember  the  era  fairly well, and was surprised at that time by the huge  popularity  of what I considered to be  a rather  insulting message,  aimed at the Republican administration.    When there is a distressing  national problem, it seems natural to want to find the origin of that problem as the first step towards solving it.  But finding where the problem started is just the beginning of the process of changing things for the better.  The same thing is true in close  relationships.  Finding the origins of problems is basic to what we do in psychotherapy.   But there is so much more.  

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What problem is as pressing on the minds of new parents as the economy?  It is the problem of how to maintain their love life.  New parents often find themselves divided by the same little person whom they have so recently welcomed to their family.  Moms find that fatigue, body image and hormonal fluctuations all deflate sexual desire.  Dads may feel some anxiety over their role as provider, and difficult emotions around having to share their wife’s love with someone else.  Both Moms and Dads may have mixed feelings about whether it might be selfish to spend time on lovemaking when there are so many other needs to be met.  

While the problem is still new and relatively uncomplicated, it’s a good idea for moms, dads, and couples jointly to consider a few ideas for how to nurture the sexual part of their marriage.  Moms, try to have empathy for your husband, the changes he is going through, and his need to communicate his love and commitment to you sexually.  Verbalize your attraction to him.  This lets him know that you want a deep and mature  heart connection in your marriage.  Remember that it is not only O.K. to take care of yourself,  it is essential.  Get regular exercise, and don’t put off getting all of the post-natal medical attention you may need.  Your arousal pattern may be a little different than before the baby, but this is O.K.    Let yourself be free from societal pressure to get back to a perfect pre-pregnancy weight and shape, and remember that husbands take positive notice when you make the effort to look nice.   

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Do you remember the Mad magazine character with the silly grin, perhaps vacant, perhaps knowing, and the tag line “What – Me Worry?”.  Mad magazine, and that silly grin on the cover, gave me many a happy break from the worries of adolescence.  No matter what was happening to myself, my friends and family, or in the world of current events, that silly grin was a constant.  On Saturday, my long-time friend Laura and I were discussing the current economic problems and their possible repurcussions, when the subject of worry came up.  Laura has noticed that many people of faith are worried about what the future holds for themselves and their loved ones, should there be major economic hardships in the future.   She has also noticed that people of faith are  wondering whether the current economic and political climate heralds the return of Christ, accompanied by possible tribulations for people around the globe.  

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