Matt Mikalatos

Christian Science Institute Announces First Human Clones!

Matt Mikalatos — Thu, 06 May 2010 22:55:44 -0700

The Christian Science Institute (CSI) shocked the world Tuesday when they announced that they have successfully cloned human beings, and have also perfected a way to pass on knowledge, experience and personality to the clones.

“The loss of some of our greatest pastors and Christian leaders concerned us,” said Ron Boldbee, head scientist at CSI. “We looked around and realized that the young Christians who remained showed no evidence of stepping up and filling the gap. Then we thought, ‘If the secular world can clone sheep, why can’t we clone some shepherds?’”

Boldbee points out that CSI has already introduced cloned pastors into several locations with little or no complaints. Congregants at Bayside Baptist say they prefer their new, cloned pastor to their previous “natural” pastor. “For once I don’t have to do any work,” said one congregant, on the condition of anonymity. “Laypeople can finally let the clergy do everything without feeling guilty. If our pastor burns out we can grow another one.”

A cloned pastor runs about 6 million dollars. It costs extra to tailor fit clones to a specific congregation through genetic alterations. Boldbee laughs about some of the requests CSI receives. “We took one pastor and removed all his Bible jokes. The congregation was thrilled. No more comments about ‘the Roman soldier who slept on his watch’ being the smallest man in the Bible. No more jokes about the disciples owning a Honda because ‘they were all in one Accord.’ It has really changed things for the better at their church.”

Renowned pastor and seminary founder Luke Callaghan has weighed in on the controversy, arguing that the cloning technique is simply too costly. “I’ve been making clones here at the Exalted King’s Seminary for years,” he said, “And it only costs three thousand dollars a semester.”

Frank Cessna, head of the Conservative Calvinistic Evangelicals United in Reformed Brotherhood, who had initially approved of the project, withdrew his support after meeting with a clone of John Calvin. “I had hoped,” he said, “That if I could speak to Calvin I could persuade him to adopt the additional three points of Calvinism that we have introduced in recent years. Calvin, however, remains a firm four-point Calvinist. I see now that the world would be a better place if we did away with cloning. What I mean is, this is the best of all possible worlds, of course, but cloning is bad. Cloning equals heresy. Am I saying this clearly enough?”

Boldbee easily shrugs off the controversy. “The fact is, business is booming. People want the same old thing, and CSI can provide that in abundance. We also anticipate that more pastors will be able to pursue speaking and writing careers with clones at their disposal!” More information and an interview with Boldbee can be found at http://growyourownpastor.com.

A Guide to Arizona’s Immigration Law (Senate Bill 1070) for Non-Profit Christian Organizations

Matt Mikalatos — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 08:52:46 -0700

A Guide to Arizona’s Immigration Law (Senate Bill 1070) for Non-Profit Christian Organizations

Given the mandatory reporting of all suspected illegal immigrants to the state of Arizona, the State has received a flood of e-mails and phone calls asking for clarification on this law and its ramifications for non-profit Christian organizations. The State has put together this helpful guide to assist you in assessing the suspiciousness of the people you minister to.

A quick list of suspicious attributes:

Black hair. Remember, not all illegal immigrants are Latino. Some are Chinese. But if you see someone with black hair, it’s a safe bet that they are suspicious and should be reported.

Wearing a crucifix. Many illegal immigrants are Catholic. So if you see a crucifix, call it in. (Note: the best way to tell a crucifix from a cross is that a crucifix has a body on it. Catholics take the idea of Jesus dying very seriously. Protestants prefer their cross empty.)

Impoverished. We don’t want poor people in the state of Arizona. And before you start quoting Scripture, just remember the parable where the Master kicks the shabbily dressed guy out of the wedding. Then ask yourself, “Who Would Jesus Deport?” (WWJD?) The Scripture is clear on this topic.

They have a job. Remember, Americans would be far more likely given the current economic climate to be purposely remaining on welfare as long as legally possible. An illegal immigrant will be working, even if the job pays poorly and the labor is difficult.

Criminals! By being here illegally immigrants are, by definition, criminals. Just like people who go five miles an hour over the speed limit, or jaywalk, or talk on their cell phones while driving.

They don’t have the right of free speech. The new law prevents people from soliciting work on the street, which is part of our freedom of speech. So ask yourself, is this person acting l as if they don’t have freedom of speech? Are they unnacountably quiet? Do they seem afraid to speak up?

Accent. A good trick is to get someone with an accent to read this sentence: “I’m an illegal immigrant, please don’t deport me.” Then you can tell the police they admitted to being illegal! Works like a charm!

In a Gang. To be on the safe side, consider two suspicious people walking together a gang.

Created Inferior. You remember those famous words from the Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, unless they come from across some other Border, in which case, let’s fence those people out somewhere and not allow them to seek after Life, Liberty or the Pursuit of Happiness.”

When in doubt, this simple question will help you determine the correct course of action: What would I do if I were living in a racist police state? Following this guideline is sure to keep you on the right track!

If you have questions about this document, please feel free to contact Governor Jan Brewer’s office:

The full mailing address is:
The Honorable Jan Brewer
Governor of Arizona
1700 West Washington
Phoenix, Arizona 85007

Telephone (602) 542-4331
Toll Free 1-(800) 253-0883
Fax (602) 542-1381

When your book is too crazy to fit into one genre....

Matt Mikalatos — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 15:12:16 -0700

Being a first time novelist, I've been surprised by a lot of things, one of which is the difficulty in explainng a book if it doesn't fit simply into one genre. And that's been a problem with Imaginary Jesus: It's a comedy. It's a novel. It's theology. It's fiction. It's autobiographical. What possible genre could this be? Let's turn to Amazon.com's rating system to discover what they think.

First, an overview of the three categories that Amazon thinks that IJ fits into:

Good. Okay. So our comedy theology novel falls into Science Fiction Adventure (no doubt because our hero chases Jesus through "time and space"), Religious Fiction (no doubt because it has Jesus in it and is fiction), and in Single Women's Fiction (no doubt because the chicks dig me). Hmm. Let's see what sort of books that puts Imaginary Jesus up against.

In the category of Sci-Fi adventure:

Yes, this, strangely, makes sense. Notice the similarity in strange headgear between the jedi and the Jesus. But since I have every intention of destroying the Star Wars novel which is more highly ranked than I does that mean I am... a Sith? Brrrr. Stay tuned to find out!

Now, let's look at Single Women's Fiction:

Again, this is an oddly appropriate place for my book. "Misery Loves Cabernet" references wine in the title, and there is communion wine in Imaginary Jesus. And the title below "We Interrupt This Date" infers a breakup. And Imaginary Jesus includes the story of one of the most hilarious and unbelievable break ups of all time. It is a 7.8 on the John Cusack scale of break ups. I think a single woman might enjoy hearing about my heart being crushed. It's a beautiful moment.

Now, let's look at religious fiction:

Ah, C.S. Lewis. Allow me to take a moment to say IN YOUR FACE, C.S. LEWIS! Imaginary Jesus is totally rocking The Screwtape Letters. Oh, I know that you wrote your book 40 years ago and it's still selling ALMOST AS WELL as Imaginary Jesus, but I think it's time for you to acknowledge that victory is totally mine for at least 40 minutes until Amazon refreshes the ranking on their books! In other news, I'm a big fan. If we are allowed to do this in Heaven I will be asking for your autograph. If there are pens. And paper. Also books. I'm pretty sure there are at least scrolls, so I might just have you sign a scroll if you're cool with that.

And that brings us at last to a determination of our genre: Religious Single Women's Science-Fiction Adventure Novel! I had no idea when I was writing it, but Thus Spake Amazon!

In the interest of Science, please feel free to add your own genre suggestions for Imaginary Jesus in the comments!

Free Hymns Album From Page CXVI

Matt Mikalatos — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 04:00:00 -0700

Today through May 4th you can download, for free, the entire first Hymns album by up and coming rock band Page CXVI. Here's the link for that album. Page CXVI has an amazing sound, and I'm glad they're giving this album away. Part of the idea here is that you will love the first album and want to buy the new one, which is releasing this week. You will want to buy the new one. I'm going to go buy it right now.

I have listened to this album (the first one) about a thousand times. It's really amazing, and it has done exactly what they designed it to do... brought new life to beloved hymns. I love hymns, I really do, but frankly I do not listen to them outside of the church building. Or I didn't before this album. If you're skeptical (why be skeptical, it's FREE!), take a listen to a couple of songs. I love their version of "Joy". And, well, their version of everything. It's powerful stuff. Take a listen and leave your thoughts here, if you like.

Their name and logo, by the way, comes from C.S. Lewis' The Magician's Nephew. Page 116 is the page (in the edition they were reading) that Aslan sings the world into being. They wanted to allude to the creative power of God and the power of godly music to transform and create.

Look forward to hearing what you think!

Outrage Over The Church Name Shortage

Matt Mikalatos — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 17:12:20 -0700

The International Church Name Service (ICNS) publicly apologized today for the recent lack of quality church names. “We’ve had some complaints,” said Hubert Smith, public relations officer for the ICNS. “But we have been serving churches by creating and parceling out names for several decades, and we assure the Christian community that we will continue to do so.”

Many pastors, however, are calling for reform. “My church is called RiverWild,” said Pastor Bob Frigate. “They didn’t even give us a space between the two words. And we live in the desert. We’re sixty miles from the nearest river.”

The Cup in Portland, Oregon also complained. “We’ve managed to build a compelling vision around the name, something about communion and the Last Supper. But c’mon! The Cup? It really was a stretch for us. On the positive side, it has brought in quite a few athletes.”

Meanwhile, Mars Hill church and Mars Hill Seminary in Seattle report continued confusion over their shared name, despite the fact that they are completely separate organizations. “We had a surplus of pagan church names for a few years,” Smith admits. “But being named for the Roman god of war hasn’t slowed their growth.” Meanwhile, Thor’s Hammer Presbyterian Church and Vulcan’s Forge Baptist have filed formal complaints against the ICNS.

Vulcan’s Forge pastor, Sam Mitchell, said, “If one more Trekkie comes to my church dressed for a convention I don’t know what I’m going to do. When they look at me with those expressionless eyes and say, ‘The name of your church is illogical’ I just want to bash their little pointy-eared heads in. As if an alien planet named for the god of blacksmiths or whatever makes sense.”

“I implore everyone to remain calm,” Smith said, emphasizing ICNS’s satisfied customers, like Jeremiah Son, pastor of Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Korean Church. “I especially like the exclamation points,” Son said. “A nice touch and they didn’t charge us extra!”

Smith asks that churches remain charitable while they continue to iron out their naming system and the supply problems. The ICNS has been experimenting with foreign-language names to increase availability. “We started with simple languages, like pig Latin,” says Smith. “But Irst-fay Ethodist-May found that it encouraged speaking in tongues, which made them uncomfortable. So we’re working on popularizing Latin and Greek names.”

But even that innovation has been met with uncertainty. Several members at Imago Dei expressed outrage that a dead language had been used to name their church. One man shook his head and walked away, too angry to continue our conversation. “I thought it was Spanish,” he said. “What a rip off.”

Currently Available Church Names:

Dead Water Assembly

Balaam’s Ass Community Church

Corbito Deo

(NOTE: Latin for “the slow-sailing merchant ship of God”)

Leviticus 21:20

Eighth Day Adventist

WalMart Presents: Your Own Personal Jesus

Thomas Haden Church

Shadow of Death Community Church

Slightly misspelled (50% discount):

Gross Pointe Presbyterian

Mar Shill

Saddlebum

Harry Potter’s House

Prosaic Church

Bedlam Baptist Church

Widow Creek

Please contact you local ICNS representative if you interested in purchasing one of these names for your church or home community.

Friendship, Suicide, Loss and Jesus

Matt Mikalatos — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 23:41:11 -0700

I had this friend named Collette. I met her in a creative writing class at my junior college. As I recall she had written a story which turned out to be a thinly veiled story about herself, in which the main character was dealing with some conflict with her husband. I mentioned in the feedback that the story was frightening, to see such a clear example of spousal abuse, and she came and talked to me afterward, to ask if I really thought what she had written about constituted abuse. I told her I thought it did, and in some mysterious way this caused us to become friends. That's my first memory of Collette.

Over the years we kept in touch occasionally. Krista and I both briefly worked at the same school as Collette. She got our newsletter, and she and I would send notes back and forth on Facebook. She sent me theological questions every once in a while, and made funny comments on my profile about as often. A few years ago I visited her at her house, and hung out with her and her kids.

Collette was a sweet, loving, patient woman, with a lot of ability to endure difficult things without realizing they were difficult. She wrestled with tough questions, but with an underlying certainty of God's goodness. She was friendly, and pleasant, and kind. She had a sincere faith in Jesus Christ, and spoke about him often and with great affection. I considered her a friend, and I like to think she considered me a friend, too.

And that's about all I can share here about Collette. This last Monday Collette decided for some reason I cannot fathom that it would be best if she took her own life.

How I feel about this is complex. I think it's safe to say that the first thing I feel is regret. I wish she had called me and I had been able to talk to her about whatever it was that made her think this was a good idea. I wish I had known her better, had been a close enough friend that she would have even thought about calling me. I was in her town the day she did it. I wish I had thought, somehow, to call her. I wish it had crossed my mind.

Related to that, and intertwined with it, is the sadness and a sense of loss. When someone is gone, there's a realization that I can't call her now. I left a note on her wall on facebook, but that's more for me than for her. She's not checking her messages anymore. Or, well, I don't really know how that works. But there's this moment in the feelings of loss where I just want to go back and remember every insignificant conversation we ever had. I want to re-read our dumb facebook notes to each other. I want to double check her theological questions and see if I missed a warning sign. I want to make sure to remember every last thing I knew about her, because that's all that's left of her, for me.

And then there's this next-to-last feeling that I'm not sure how to express because it seems wrong to say. I know it's normal and even expected, but I am really angry at Collette, too. Killing herself was selfish, pretty much the most self-involved thing she could have done. It doesn't change that I liked her, or that she was a great person, but I just don't understand how she left her kids behind, and left all of us behind without a goodbye and without asking for our help. Or maybe she did, and I wasn't close enough to be in that circle.

The last thing, Collette, is that I'm glad you're beyond this now. What I mean is, I know you're in the arms of Jesus, and even now he's wiping the tears from your eyes and showing you that all those years you spent broken and worried and hurt and abused and crushed and uncertain of your own value, that all those things are a million years behind you and you are in a place where you can experience (at last) perfect love and see yourself the way our Creator sees you. I'm very, very thankful for that. I wish you could have found a big enough piece of that here, but I'm glad you're in the arms of our savior now.

So. Rest in peace, my friend. I will pray for your children and family, and I hope to see you well and whole when next we meet.

Your friend,

Matt

Why Imaginary Jesus?

Matt Mikalatos — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 09:57:12 -0700

If I come across a bunch of people sitting outside my church selling doves and changing money, I know I should make a whip out of ropes and turn their tables over and yell at them. But what is the most Christ-like action when buying my lunch at McDonald's? Should I buy a Filet-O-Fish sandwich? Should I turn a milkshake into wine? I spend my life guessing what Jesus would do instead of living like him. I invent a picture of who he is instead of getting to know him. We need a way to identify places in our lives where we've adopted a false Jesus for our own convenience, and talk about real, practical ways to connect with the living, breathing Christ.

The fine folks at ConversantLife have invited me to guest blog here for the month of April, and I look forward to getting to know you during that time, and hopefully together we will discover some insights into following the true Jesus. I work full time with Campus Crusade for Christ, specifically working with college students interested in serving Christ overseas. I'm also the author of the recently released novel Imaginary Jesus, which is a comedic look at the ridiculous Jesuses we follow instead of the real thing.

I welcome your interactions this month, and would love to answer questions you may have about Jesus, full time ministry, international ministry, writing, books or LOST. Or pretty much anything. Looking forward to it!