Kristen Howerton

Advocating For Orphans As Busy Moms

Kristen Howerton — Thu, 12 May 2011 22:03:13 -0700

Today I will be leading a panel at the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit about how to be an advocate as a busy mom. I’m already feeling inspired by the things that busy moms have done. Yesterday morning I went to a session on the socio-political aspects of adoption, and I heard the story of McLane Layton, a mom who adopted three children from Easter Europe only to discover that her children did not get citizenship after being adopted. She started lobbying that adopted children be treated as relatives instead of as immigrants, and in 2000 helped put together the Child Citizenship Act.

I heard the story of another mom who was in the process of adopting 9 siblings from the Philipinnes, only to find out that an error made in the Hague Convention prohibited the adoption on siblings over age 16. In the sibling set she was trying to adopt, two children were over 16. She contacted her senator and they worked to ratify this point.

I heard the story of Carolyn Tweitmyer, who was in the process of adopting a child with HIV and learned that there was a law requiring a USCIS medical waiver for any child with HIV to be adopted,. This waiver could take up to nine months to process, as sick children languished in third world conditions without access to care or a family to assist them. Carolyn advocated to change this law, and children with HIV no longer require this red tape.

Busy moms can do big things.

I’m excited to talk about how to advocate for orphans as a busy mom. Five of us with very different experiences and passions will talk about how we are advocating in our own way. Some of us have adopted, some have chosen a different path of prevention for orphans. All of us have been touched by the crisis, and incidentally each of us had our hearts stirred while on a short-term mission trip, seeing the orphan crisis first-hand. Here is a little about the other presenters:

Kristen Welch writes at her parenting blog, We are THAT family, and offers an honest mixture of humor and inspiration. Her first book, Don't Make Me Come Up There, a book for busy Moms, was released March 1, 2011. After a life-changing Compassion International trip, Kristen and her family recently launched a non-profit ministry in Kenya, Africa called The Mercy House, with a Compassion Leadership Graduate. The Mercy House is a maternity home for young, pregnant girls. The ministry advocates for the global orphan crisis by aiding and educating in women's maternal health.

Jodie Howerton is the mother of three children, two biological and one recently adopted from South Africa. . Her church recently launched a massive Orphan Care Initiative that aims to assist in the placement of thousands of orphans around the world and at home, into adoptive homes. She is passionate about adoption and foster care, and deeply concerned about the plight of the world's street children. As the mom of an HIV+ son, she finds herself directly connected to the HIV/AIDS pandemic and is still learning how to best advocate for her little boy. She also sits on the board of "Until Then," a non-profit advocacy group working to advocate for street kids around the world.

Megan Terry is is a stay at home mother to three children through birth and adoption. She fell in love with Africa years ago and adopted a toddler from the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) in 2009. She volunteers with Our Family In Africa- a humanitarian organization serving the needs of vulnerable orphans in DRC. She also travels to area churches and civic groups speaking about Africa's civil wars and how it relates to Africa's orphan crisis. She has taught lessons to area children about what their lives would be like if they lived in the third world and also teaching them practical things that their classes can do to help orphans around the world. Megan's passions lie with helping people connect in personal ways to hurting children. She helps churches and civic groups organize shoe, clothing, mosquito netting and formula drives and connects traveling adoptive families with these supplies to deliver to their children's orphanages. Megan and her family organize many fundraisers throughout the year to benefit orphan care initiatives in Africa as well as educate participants about adoption, orphan care, and ways that they, too, can become advocates.

Kathleen Hamer has been married to her best friend, Dan for almost 34 years. They have 5 children, 3 children they made the old fashioned way and 2 adopted from Kenya almost 7 years ago. Dan and Kathleen found their 13 year old son, Derek living alone on the streets of Kenya when he was 5 years old. God called them to adopt Derek and his younger brother Reggie. This was the genesis of Kathleen's passion for the forgotten street children of the world. Kathleen and her family started the non profit Until Then () to bring awareness, action and advocacy for street children around the world. Until Then, partnering with churches and businesses has launched drop in centers for street children in Kenya, as well as developing community development programs that focus on agricultural assistance, family psychosocial support and clean water projects.

These are some of the questions we will be looking at for tomorrow, and for those reading along at home, I would love to hear your answers!

What is your specific area of passion? How was your heart moved in that direction?
How do you think being a mom effects the way you view the orphan crisis? Does it give you more compassion?
What are some of the limits to advocacy as a busy mom? Obviously we can't all jump on a plane to Africa all the time. How do you find the space and time amidst the soccer practices and carpool line?
How do you involve your own kids in your advocacy? Have they ever felt put out by the work you do? How do you strike a balance between giving back without taking away time from your own family?
If you have adopted, how does being an adoptive parent play into all of this? Do you view your role as an adoptive mom as a catalyst in your advocacy?
Do you work outside the home (or at home)? How does the family/work balance play into the ways you would like to advocate.
If you could dream big, where do you see yourself in 3 years?
What changes are you most passionate about bringing about, and how can you play a part in that in your current lifestage?
How might things look differently when your children are older?

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Kristen is the mom of four children via birth and adotion, and chronicles her surrender to the loser cruiser at Rage Against the Minivan.

What Are Your Thoughts on Faith-Based Movies?

Kristen Howerton — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 23:24:08 -0700

Today I was invited to Fox Studios in LA to meet with several people in their marketing team for a conversation about faith-based movies. It was just myself and my friend Carlos Whittaker (who is an amazing blogger and also the dad in that famous single ladies video). We got to preview some of the new features on the latest Narnia movie Dawn Treader,and we had some amazing conversations about entertainment and the Christian community with some really smart and savvy women at Fox.

We talked quite a bit about the value of movies that teach kids about character. I think the Narnia series is a great example of that. It has a high production value and it has all the elements to draw a child into the story (action, adventure, romance, etc.) It’s an epic tale with a message of integrity, and there while there are definitely Christian themes, it is a values-driven movie that would appeal to non-religious families as well. (Also, the DVD special features? ARE REALLY COOL.)

Anyways, we also talked about values-driven films for adults, and this is where I would love some feedback. Carlos and I were both in agreement that I’m not so sure that the Christians of the younger generations are actually all that interested in overtly Christian films. I think this is especially true in the Christian hipster movement, but I think it overlaps in mainstream Christianity as well. My perception is that we are all a little skeptical of Christian films. Maybe because they’ve been done poorly in the past, maybe because they often feel preachy and contrived . . . but for whatever reason I think that my generation, and the younger set, would be more excited to see a secular movie with Christian themes than a Christian movie. We did talk about examples of overtly Christian movies that have been done well, but I honestly couldn’t think of many. We also talked about how there is definitely a market (Fireproof being an example of a success, though I haven’t seen it.) But I wonder if that market skews a bit older.

Anyways, I would be curious to hear your thoughts on Christian movies. If you are non-religious, do you find a movie with overt Christian themes to be off-putting? And if you are a Christian, are there some specifically Christian films that you really enjoy? Would you agree that Christians are skeptical of Christian movies? If so, why is that the case? And what changes would you love to see in the movie industry in the way of Christian entertainment?

The Cost of the "Call to Arms" Rhetoric

Kristen Howerton — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 22:04:21 -0800

I am watching the news in horror today, as a gunman opened fire on politician Gabrielle Giffords at a public event she was holding, shot her point-blank in the head, and shot 17 other people. At the time I’m writing this, Giffords is in critical condition and six people have been killed.

It’s times like this that require introspection as to what is going on in our country. The gunman is allegedly a 22-year-old man named Jared Loughner. People have been speculating all day on his motives and political ties and clearly, at this point, no one knows. Nonetheless, many references have been made to some of the violent rhetoric that has been used from certain political figures and whether or not there is some culpability in their use of language. Until we know this man’s motives, it’s hard to place blame in this specific incident.

Excerpts from Jared’s myspace page and YouTube videos are full of references to conspiracies. In my opinion and experience, given his age and his ramblings I would not be surprised if this young man was having a schizophrenic break. From his YouTube video:

Firstly, the current government officials are in power for their currency, but I’m informing you for your new currency! Of you’re treasurer of a new money system, then you’re responsible for the distributing of a new currency. We now know — the treasurer for a new money system. is the distributor of the new currency. As a result, the people approve a new money system which is promising new information that’s accurate, and we truly believe in a new currency. Above all, you have your new currency, listener?

Secondly, my hope s for you to be literate! If you’re literate in English grammar, then you comprehend English grammar. The majority of people, who reside on District 8, are illiterate — hilarious. I don’t control your English grammar structure, but you control your English grammar structure.

Thirdly, I know who’s listening; Government Officials, and the People. Nearly all the people, who don’t know this accurate information of a new currency, aren’t aware of mind control and brainwashing methods. If I have my civil rights, then this message wouldn’t have happen.
In conclusion, my ambition — is for informing literate dreamers about a new currency, in a few days, you know I’m conscience dreaming! Thanks you!

He goes on to say on his myspace page:

In conclusion, reading the second United States Constitution, I can’t trust the government because of the ratifications: The government is implying mind control and brainwash 0n the people by controlling grammar.
No! I won’t pay debt with a currency that’s not backed by gold and silver!
No! I won’t trust in God!
What’s government if words don’t have meaning?

These definitely sound like the words of a paranoid schizophrenic to me. I think think it will emerge that this man is mentally ill. There is no information thus far that indicates that he was working off the prompts of some of the violence rhetoric of Palin, et al.

However . . .

Anytime there has been a tragedy, it makes sense to take a step back and look at how to prevent further tragedies. Even if Jared Loughner had no political ties, I think it still behooves us as a nation to reflect on what it means that political figures and pundits are so liberal with violent rhetoric. I’ve said it before . . . many times. I get that Beck and Palin and the like are not actually calling people to arms. But I also get that there are crazy people in this world who are not so discerning. Some examples that I find particularly concerning:

"I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back." and "...having a revolution every now and then is a good thing" - Michele Bachmann

"I hope that's not where we're going, but you know if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I'll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out. –Sharron Angle

"Don't retreat. Instead - reload" -Sarah Palin

"To the day I die, I am going to be a progressive hunter." -Glenn Beck

And getting the most press today is this disturbing map that Sarah Palin posted on her facebook page, with rifle targets pointed at the locations of individual politicians.

I understand hyperbole – I used it quite often myself. But I think that sarcasm and metaphor still require responsibility. In the case of politicians or pundits who help shape the political views of millions, even more responsibility should be exercised. The possibility of crazy people taking things literally should always be taken into account.

Do we know if today’s shooter was inspired by the "take amrs" metaphors? No, we don’t. But we shouldn’t have to wonder. It shouldn't even be a speculation that a political figure's words could inspire a mass shooting.

This is not a political post – this is an anti-violence post. If there is similar gun or war rhetoric coming from the liberal side that I am missing, point it out and I will denounce it as well.

I think the reminder today, whether there is a connection or not, is that we as a nation should not tolerate metaphorical calls to violence from our political leaders, in any form.

_________________________________________________

Kristen blogs at Rage Against the Minivan, and is the editor of the blogging news magazine ShePosts.

The Orphan Crisis, and What You (Yes, YOU), Can Do

Kristen Howerton — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 08:12:49 -0800

I’ve written pretty passionately about the global orphan situation recently, and several commenters asked: “What can I do if I’m not in a position to adopt?”

I’m so glad you asked.

Adoption is not for everyone. Nor is it the answer to the world’s orphan crisis. In the best of circumstances, adoption creates a loving family for a child who has been orphaned. But it does not address the root causes of why a child has been abandoned or orphaned to begin with. It is a band-aid on a much larger problem. It is estimated that 99% of the world’s orphans will not be adopted. Adoption is an answer for some orphaned children . . . but not for most of them.

There are two sides to the orphan crisis: finding families for children without, and preserving families that are intact. Prevention is the side that is not addressed by adoption. If we profess to care about orphans, then we must care about the circumstances that lead children to be orphaned. If we care about adoption, then we must care about seeing less children enter orphanages to begin with.

It is not as easy to care about the pregnant teen or the struggling mom. But it might be the starting place in this whole scenario.

(And if we care about orphans, then we must care about the children in foster care in our own country.)

I am so glad to see adoptive parents championing these issues. But this should not be a cause left to adoptive parents. As a society, we should all care. A child without a family is the most disgusting form of poverty.

So, here are some of the ways that everyone can get involved in caring for at-risk children. The first is a list of things you can do locally (another great list is at Saddleback’s website). Then, I’ll give some resources to organizations that are on the ground in impoverished nations, that you might thing about supporting.

VOLUNTEER YOUR TIME

Call your local Department of Child and Family Services and see how you can help. Most DCFS branches are overwhelmed with the amount of children in the system. Some counties have an “adopt-a-social-worker” program where individuals act as “finders” to help with family preservation. For example, if a social worker is trying to keep a child in a home where there is inadequate provisions (i.e. a crib, diapers, formula), the “finder” would assist with finding donations that match the family’s need so that the child is not removed.

Become a CASA worker - Court Appointed Special Advocates are community volunteers who act as a voice in court for abused and neglected children. CASA volunteers get to know the child and speak to everyone involved in the child’s life, including their family members, teachers, doctors, lawyers, social workers, and others. The reality is that social workers do not often have the time to do this, so judges rely heavily on the information they gather. CASA volunteers commit to a child until the case is closed and the child is in a safe, permanent home.

Become a respite care provider - Respite care is the short-term care of a child which enables foster parents to take a break. Some children's needs require round-the-clock intensive care and parents need some time away to recharge. Sometimes respite is provided so that foster parents can take a vacation (most foster children are wards of the court and cannot leave their state). Foster parents cannot simply leave their children in the care of a babysitter or relative – the caregiver needs to be licensed with the county. Becoming licensed to give respite care offers a huge relief to those in the trenches and allows foster parents to do what they do without burning out.

Consider adopting a teen who is aging out – There is something profoundly heartbreaking in reading the photolistings of children who have turned 18 and who, despite being old enough to live independently, place themselves on national photolistings because they desperately want a family. Many of these teenagers have college plans or career aspirations and are really looking for the moral support of a family as they enter adulthoood. Everyone deserves to have a consistent place to land for the holidays, rituals, and celebrations in life. Maybe you have that to give. If you visit adoptuskids.org and sort by age, you will find many young adults searching for a family to call their own.

(pictured: Annette and Norma, “18-year-old twin sisters with dreams of having a family of their own and a sense of belonging. Both girls want to attend college and talk of being a lawyer or a doctor down the line. While they have each other, the one thing that is lacking in their lives is a permanent place to call home.” - The Los Angeles Heart Gallery.

Get involved with Orphan Sunday at your church. Orphan Sunday is your opportunity to rouse church, community and friends to God’s call to care for the orphan. It is a great opportunity to recruit help and raise awareness for the various relief organizations listed below.

Volunteer for a local group home – Group homes are difficult places. There are so many needs that can be filled. You could help raise money for clothes, shoes, backpacks, and other supplies. You could mentor a teen who is aging into adulthood. You could tutor students who are struggling in school, or make regular visits to play with children who are in the difficult season of temporary care.

Lend a hand to families who have adopted – Do you know someone who has adopted an older child? Chances are, they are exhausted, both mentally and physically. Maybe even barely hanging on. Think about lending them a hand with whatever tasks are overwhelming for them, so that they can get a little break. I remember when we were still foster parents for Jafta and dealing with the DCFS hearings and the adjustment to life with two kids, that a group of people from Newsong Church came and painted our fence. It was one of those total random acts of kindness but it meant so much to have someone care for us in a tangible way, in the midst of that difficult season.

Start a mentoring group for moms with kids in the system – This is one of the most unique ministries I’ve seen at my church: a group of moms (many of them foster moms) started a bible study with the biological mothers of local foster children. They mentored them, prayer for them, and encouraged them in their reunification efforts.

GIVE FINANCIALLY

Mercy House is loving home for teenage girls in Kenya. It will be a supportive, safe place for them to get prenatal care, counseling, and to have their baby. It will give their baby a chance at life, to be raised by a mother who is learning skills and self-sufficency or by a local Christian orphanage, whichever she chooses.

31 Bits helps women in Uganda earn their own living by making necklaces out of recycled paper. I am a huge fan of 31 Bits (and not just because it was founded by some graduates of the university where I teach, and not just because the necklaces are awesome). 31 Bits is giving women a chance at providing for herself and her family. The name comes from the Bible's Proverbs 31, which describes a woman providing for her family. The "bits" refers to the bits of paper from which the beads are made.

Heartline Haiti Women’s Program – This is a program so close to my heart because we adopted Kembe through this organization. Each week over 100 women come through the Heartline center as part of their various programs. Women who have never earned a dollar in their lives are now earning money as they sew. Women who had no parenting skills are now taking better care of their children. Women who could not read and write are now learning. Women who have had no prenatal care are getting the attention they so desperately need. The birthing center is now open so these women can deliver their babies in safety. Women are becoming self sufficient and working to provide for their families by making purses.

Parental Care Ministries is providing food, shelter, clothing, and education for at-risk children in Uganda, with a focus on children orphaned by the AIDS epidemic.

Amazima Ministries operates a sponsorship program for 400 orphaned children. These children are provided an education, school supplies, 3 meals a day, and medical care. Another aspect of Amazima is the feeding program provided to the displaced Karamojong people of the Masese community. These people are Uganda's poorest and often considered outcasts. A lunch meal is served to over 1,200 children Monday - Friday and a plate of food is sent home for dinner. This allows the children to attend school and not go to the street in town to beg.

Real Hope For Haiti Rescue Center - I’ll let these pictures by Licia speak for themselves:

WEEK #1

WEEK #2

WEEK #3

These four little girls lives are being changed by Medika Mamba. The Rescue Center takes in children in dire need, nurses them back to health, and then returns them to their family. They are doing life-saving work in Haiti every single day.

Help End Local Poverty (HELP). HELP is a global tribe dedicated to ending extreme poverty by helping to rescue orphans, restore their hope and renew their communities. From their website: “There are children all over the world who live completely alone every single day - with no one to love them or care for them. we don’t believe that they were meant to live in dumps, fields, alleys or streets. They have been abandoned, mostly due to AIDS, war and extreme poverty. We can do for them what God did for us: rescue them from poverty, give them a place to belong, provide a community of love and support, and give them opportunities for a future. We will build children’s homes that will be run by local leaders who will love these kids, help raise them, and prepare them to overcome poverty.”

Garage Sale For Orphans - Garage Sale for Orphans is an initiative of Help End Local Poverty. It’s pretty simple. Sell anything that you don’t need or want, and that you are willing to sacrifice. Then, give the proceeds of the garage sale to help rescue kids in places like Haiti, Zimbabwe and Uganda. You can even choose which country and project you want to donate to directly on their website.

Poverty Unlocked is an amazing podcast that explores the different avenues of care for global poverty. It offers an in-depth look at Christian relief and development.

Food for the Hungry is a comprehensive mission organization that comes alongside impoverished people in their own communities, helping and equipping three arms: Leaders to solve problems in their community, churches to meet the physical and spiritual needs in their community, and families: To meet the physical and spiritual needs in their family. They offer many sponsorship opportunities.

A Glimmer of Hope is a non-profit organization that helps lift women and children out of extreme poverty in rural Ethiopia. Glimmer developed an entrepreneurial model to provide clean water, schools, health clinics, and micro-finance loans, one village at a time.

Krochet Kids offers 3 year programs to women living in poverty. In this program, the women learn to krochet hats to earn an income and be able to fully support themselves for the first time in their lives. Based in Uganda, my friend Sarah and her family are moving in a few months to start Krochet Kids in the country of Peru.

Prison Fellowship’s Angel Tree helps connect parents who are in prison connect with their children.

Zeway Orphan-Headed Household Partnership provides assistance to orphans who are raising their younger siblings, including three meals a day, social worker visits for grief counseling, and health care.

The Abba Fund, Show Hope, and Lifesong for Orphans are organizations that raise financial support for families who are adopting. Maybe you have a heart for adoption, but it isn’t right for your situation. Adoption costs are astronomically expensive, and many willing families just cannot afford the fees. Helping others to finance their adoption is a way to play a part in giving one child the hope of a family. We were very blessed to receive a grant from Show Hope to offset the debt from Jafta’s adoption, and from Lifesong for Orphans and our church (Rock Harbor) to help pay for Kembe’s adoption. We are incredibly grateful that other people helped to bring Kembe into our family in such tangible ways.

Watoto is a holistic childcare ministry that exists to raise the next generation of Ugandan leaders through improving academic skills, moral values, and health. Watoto is caring for 2000+ orphaned children tin three Watoto Villages in Uganda.

photo by Esther Havens

Riverkids aims to prevent the sale and exploitation of children, to find non-exploitative labour alternatives for children and families, and to transform families and communities as low-risk for child trafficking and exploitation in rural Cambodia.

World Orphans seeks to rescue millions of orphaned and abandoned children through the involvement of the indigenous church. Their goal is to partner each local church with a US church that can commit to providing resources and support.

These are just some of the many, many relief organizations doing hard work on the ground, who need help and support to keep their relief mission going. They are all effecting change at the societal level, and giving care to children and dignity to families.

ADVOCATE

It is the best of our humanity when we acknowledge the suffering of another, and we make the changes necessary to do something about it. But in order to bring about societal change, we need to talk about the realities of poverty. We need to educate others, and motivate those holding the privilege to step up and help those who have nothing.

I know there are many, many more ways that people are mobilizing to care for orphans. If you know of some ideas or organizations, leave them in the comments. I would love to think that our current generation will sacrifice and work together to ensure that every orphan receives his or her basic human rights: food, shelter, clean water, and the love of a family.

Negotiating with the Excessive In-Laws at Christmas

Kristen Howerton — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 15:56:13 -0800

My kids have excessive grandparents. And aunts. There, I said it.

I know I am not alone. It seemed like this was a huge conversation amongst my friends last year, as many of us were taking part in the Advent Consiracy and not wanting our new outlook on Christmas to be thwarted by twenty plastic toys from grandparents on Christmas morning. I had some friends who were really upset that their parents or in-laws were reluctant to jump on the "minimal gifts" bandwagon. A toned-down Christmas, in terms of gifts, was a tension point for many families, including my own.

As a family therapist, I gave a lot of thought to this dilemma. More recently, I had someone ask for my advice directly. This was my answer:

We've had a similar conflict with the consumerism of the season (and all it represents) so I really understand the conflict. The difficulty is that your parents and in-laws may not share your same vision. As excessive as they may seem and as passionate as you probably feel, setting limitations or rules for how family members celebrate the holidays can be problematic.

First, it puts you in a position of dictating your own values onto someone else, who may or may not share in your views. Trying to get someone to comply to your own moral discoveries can feel like judgment to the other party and lead to tension and hurt feelings.

The other issue is that for some, gift-giving is as essential to the Christmas tradition as eating turkey is to Thanksgiving. To ask someone to refrain from giving to loved ones in this season may feel for them like you are stealing a part of the holiday joy. This is especially true if gift-giving is a part of their love language.

It can be easier to be flexible with traditions as a young family, but your parents have had many years of establishing the Christmas traditions that feel meaningful for them. And likely, gift-giving is a part of the holiday ritual that they have created over the years.

My advice would be to relate your concerns directly, but then respect where they are. If the excessive toys are a problem for your home, you can always work out an agreement with your kids that for every new toy acquired, an old toy must be given away. You can enforce this even on Christmas morning and take the toys they give away to Goodwill or a local shelter.

You could also brainstorm with your parents and in-laws to see if there might be a service project where some of this energy could be re-directed. The Salvation Army has a great program that pairs individuals up with families in need. You could also ask your parents if they would be willing to limit the gifts to items that are fair-trade, educational, or that give back to other causes. Orange-County based Kauzbots are a great example of a toy with a purpose.

I hear your fears that the Christmas toys might spoil your children but I promise, an excessive Christmas once a year will not create a lifetime of entitlement issues. It sounds like you are already doing the hard work of teaching generosity to your kids, and it is the everyday actions and modeling they get from you that will form their character over the long-term.

What are your thoughts on this? I know my stance might be surprising because I really do hate the “isms” of the holiday season (consumerism, materialism, etc). But, much as I dislike it, I realize that others are entitled to celebrate differently.

How do you negotiate gift-giving at the holidays? How do you communicate that with your in-laws?

World Aids Day - Project Hopeful

Kristen Howerton — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 11:21:13 -0800

In honor of World Aids Day, I wanted to share this video from Project Hopeful about living with HIV. I realize that not everyone will adopt, and not everyone is in a position to adopt an HIV+ child. But I do think that our knowledge base is still very behind, and everyone benefits when we take the time to battle the myths and stigma of HIV.

Did you know that children born with HIV today, with the help of current treatment regimes, can have a normal lifespan? Check it out and spread the truth about HIV/AIDS . . .

Gifts That Give Back

Kristen Howerton — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 11:31:39 -0800

In a season marked by giving, I love the idea of giving back to our community and our planet. This year, my family decided to forego gifts for the adults, and give donations in each person’s name instead. It’s been so fun thinking of each family member and finding ways to honor each of them with a unique donation.

Here are some great ways you can do your Christmas shopping and give back at the same time.

Krochet Kids offers 3 year programs to women living in poverty. In this program, the women learn to krochet hats to earn an income and be able to fully support themselves for the first time in their lives. Based in Uganda, the hats are sold in the US, on their website and at most Nordstroms.

Rocks in the Sun is a gorgeous photography book filled with Haitian proverbs and photos of this beautiful but impoverished country. It’s compiled by Troy Livesay, who lives in Haiti and does great mission work there (and just happens to be a stellar photog). This would make a great coffee table book, and the proceeds go towards their missions work with Heartline Haiti and Worldwide Village to assist the people of Haiti.

31 Bits Jewelry is made out of 100% recycled paper, posters, and magazines by internally displaced women in Northern Uganda. Each piece of jewelry is unique and hand-crafted by a woman in the community of Gulu, Uganda.

Invisible Children is selling bracelets made in Uganda to benefit former child soldiers. Each bracelet is a different color, and each color represents an individual child. These colored bracelets are accompanied by an inspiring short film about a child that has been personally affected by this unrelenting war. Invisible Children is also selling ‘MEND’ bags that are made by former female rebels of the Lord’s Resistance Army. They are made in Uganda and each bag has the name of the women sewn inside, and a video of each woman online so that you can ‘meet’ the women who made your bag.

World Vision has an amazing gift catalog where you can buy a number of innovative and sustaining gifts for people living in poverty. Their website even allows you to purchase and print a card letting a loved one know you have donated in their name. You can purchase medical attention for a pregnant woman, a goat that can provide milk to a child – even a grove of fruit trees!

Buying Christmas Cards this year? Consider the fresh, modern designs at Paper Culture, all done in a beautiful recycled cardstock. For every order, they plant a tree in your name, and if you enter the code ”CA10″ at check out 20%will go directly to the Somaly Mam Foundation to help end human trafficking and slavery worldwide.

Kauzbots is a line of 10 plush toy robots – each one with its own “kauze.” 10% of the retail price from each adorable bot is donated directly to the non-profit that is noted on the hang tag. With a wide variety of charities to choose from (including AIDS Walk, Arbor Day Foundation, Lifewater International, and 7 others), you’re sure to find one that touches your heart. Kauzbots are designed to inspire kids to change the world!

The bags and purses from Haitian Creations are handmade by women in Haiti, who are a part of a sewing program that is giving these impoverished women lifelong skills. The ability to earn money gives these women the ability to be self-sufficient, to support their families, and to have the independence they need in a society where this is often difficult.

isanctuary is an organization working to help victims of the sex trade recover and rebuild their lives. They work with young survivors – 12 to 19 year olds, making sure they receive all the elements necessary for restoration, including education, counseling, vocational training, and mental, emotional and spiritual healing. The girls create stunning jewelry that is sold online and in retail stores. You can shop at their retail site.

Punjammies are adorable sari-inspired pajamas. Each Punjammies are created in an after-care facility for women who have been rescued, released or escaped from a life of forced prostitution. Holistic aftercare involves quality medical care, emotional safety, education and the tools to create a new way of life for herself.

Nuru International – be apart of ending extreme poverty throughout the world. You can give a one time gift, or sponsor a family for a year.

The Hunger Site – If you go under Gifts that Give More on the sidebar, there are a lot of interesting things you can purchase in someone else’s name – things as different as a child’s education for a year or a microloan for a pig or goat.

Christians and Adoption

Kristen Howerton — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 00:24:20 -0800

I have a confession. I was a little ambivalent about attending my first Christian adoption conference.

I read a lot of blogs. (Too many blogs). Some of them are very critical of adoption. I am an advocate for adoption, but I read with interest because I also think the system needs massive reform, and because I think it’s good to get the perspective of others. Usually I have a pretty high tolerance for listening to viewpoints that differ from my own.

(Usually).

One of the things that has been heavily criticized in the adoption blog world is the Christian movement of “orphan care”. The group of missionaries in Haiti that tried to take a group of children to the Dominican only fueled the sentiment that pro-adoption Christians are wreckless, short-sighted, and self-serving. I like to think I remain objective when reading stuff like this, but I admit I entered this conference with some skepticism.

Would it be a conference full of clueless do-gooders? Would there be any acknowledgement of the difficulties of adoption? Would there be a focus beyond traditional adoption, or on family preservation? Would we be subjected to watching countless slideshows of shiny happy adoptive families set to (gasp) Contemporary Christian music? Would we sit around slapping ourselves on the back for being good Christians for having “saved” our children?

Would someone read the starfish story?

The conference began with a day dedicated to post-adoption issues. It was lead by Karen Purvis, a child psychologist who has been doing research on adoption for nearly thirty years. Karen’s research focuses on the impact of trauma, abuse, and neglect in the early years of a child’s life. Her passion is for bringing healing to children from “hard places” . . . foster care, orphanage settings, and neglectful environments. I think I was in my chair for about five minutes before I was in tears. If someone came to the conference with ideas of adoption being lollipops and rainbows, Karen was gonna set them straight, for sure.

So much of what she was saying resonated with what our family is going through. We are making up for lost time with our newly-adoted son Kembe. All of those things we do with our children as infants to bond with them: the cuddling, the soothing, the babywearing, the nursing, the lullabies . . . THEY MATTER. When a child doesn’t receive those things, it affects not only their behavior, but their actual brain wiring.

Karen was inspiring and pragmatic, but hearing her research was also hard. It was a reminder that despite Kembe seeming like a confident, bossy, athletically savant preschooler, that he is emotionally so much younger, and deserving of so much more nurture than I have been giving him. It revealed to me that we have been underestimating Kembe’s needs, and even underestimating the impact of our older adopted son's first few months of neglect as a baby. I felt encouraged, but I also felt a huge sense of heaviness . . . for the healing that needs to take place in my family, but also for the millions of children who will grow up in neglectful environments and never make the human connections with a parent that is so needed for a child to succeed. I felt huge amounts of grief for the losses my own children have faced, and Mark and I left with a firm resolve to be more connected with them.

My friend Christine says it so well:

It was 48 hours of constant reminders of adoption in our home, in our family and particularly all that has been the last two and a half years of our lives.

I didn't expect it. It kicked my tail. Ours is a story of pain and loss and confusion and healing and hope. I felt every single bit of it. I didn't want to leave, but I had a constant need to be by myself and wail. I think that was important for me. I'm too strong sometimes. So strong that I delay the expression of my own emotions.
That conference was a purging. If you met me for the first time, no, my eyes are not normally swollen shut. However, in the end, I returned home to hope and healing and future. We are doing it together. My kids are rock stars. I'm just now really starting to understand what I have been asking of them, to move forward. I'm not happy that it took me this long to honor the depth of it, and can't believe I ever dared to be impatient with them.

They have have climbed mountains ... in the snow ... without feet.

In addition to the parent training from Karen, there were also some amazing keynotes, including one by Dave Gibbons in which he outlined the realities of foster youth and children waiting for homes in our own cities. Dave is the pastor of a third culture church down the road from us, so many of his stats reflected our own city. It was sobering. He posted the statistics on his blog – go read them. If this doesn’t disturb you, you may not have a pulse.

Many of the keynotes addressed the sheer volume of children who have been abandoned, and the great need for people to step up and care for them in a variety of ways. It was a lot of emotional data to take in. I was frequently moved to tears by the heaviness of it all, and in the knowledge of how difficult life is for so many people.

We also met so many people that are championing causes beyond adoption. There were people dedicated to addressing clean water, poverty, hunger, pregnant teens who may choose to parent, and girls who have been trafficked into the sex trade (READ THIS!). People there seemed very cognizant that adoption was only one arm of caring for orphans, and that families in third world countries need our help to stay together. While it was good to see that Christians are spearheading so many social justice causes, it was also, again . . . overwhelming. With each new ministry I learned about, I felt both inspired and burdened at the same time. We live with so much excess. So many do not. There is so suffering in this world, and this weekend was both a reminder of the goodness of humanity, but also of the fact that there are many children who are victims of ugliness and cruelty, both directly and indirectly. (i.e., being ignored by those who hold the privilege).

It was a welcome relief to get to hang out with other adoptive families to process through this stuff. We were thrilled to be able to hang out with people we’ve come to love in this journey – some who we rarely see, and some who we’ve just met. It felt so good to be able openly about some our our struggles, about our hopes and fears for our kids, and about things that can’t be blogged.

But even in these conversations, there was a heaviness that permeated. We laughed with each other, but there were also tears, as my friends shared what it’s like to have your child recount their abandonment in a hot public space and ask why you weren’t there that day . . . what it’s like to have a child with physical scars and not know the origin . . . what it’s like to deal with the ignorance surrounding HIV, or the myth of the “crack baby” . . . what it’s like to have a doctor guesstimate your child’s birthday because no one really knows . . .what it’s like to wonder about what level of abuses your child has endured . . . what it’s like to try to answer questions about your child’s first family that you just don’t know, or that they are too young to comprehend.

Some concerns I could relate to. Some I could only listen. My heart broke for the children of my friends, and for my own children, all over again.

There were several points in the conference where I was so disturbed by the brokenness and pain in our world that I just wanted to lay down in a corner in the fetal position. It was at one such moment, after a particularly heavy keynote, that Aaron Ivey began to lead us in an old hymn: It Is Well. This is a hymn that has always brought me comfort – even as a young child.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;

whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

I sang that song with tears streaming down my face, knowing that only God could offer the transcending comfort for these heavy issues; for me, and for the people who live them. A Spirit of peace was in that room, and as I looked around and saw so many others so heavily moved by the love of God and their desire to extend that love to others, I felt proud to be among them.

Isaiah's Story from 31Films on Vimeo.

Weighty Issues

Kristen Howerton — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 11:49:00 -0700

In the past few weeks, there have been two media stories dealing with weight issues. swirling around the blogosphere. The first was the uproar over a Marie Claire blog post, in which a staff blogger wrote openly about her disgust with overweight people on a new television sitcom.

Sensitively titled “Should Fatties Get a Room?”, the author states:

So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

Now, don't go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called plump. I'm not some size-ist jerk. And I also know how tough it can be for truly heavy people to psych themselves up for the long process of slimming down. . . . But I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over. It's something they can change, if only they put their minds to it.

The author then went on to give some simple advice to fat people on how to slim down. She also revealed that her best friend is black and that she totally has gay friends, too.

Okay, just kidding on the last part. She didn’t say that. Though she is happy to name-drop in her bio about her tight circle including a fashion designer, a hard news journalist, a couple magazine editors, a bike messenger-turned-lawyer, a professor of philosophy and an aspiring screenwriter. Because bragging on your sophisticated friends is such a meaningful and obvious inclusion for a one-paragraph bio.

(Note to self: add to bio the fact that my close circle of friends includes a bunch of stay-at-home moms, and one of my friends is really good friends with someone whose sister dated a celebrity).

The article sparked an outrage and numerous comments and posts were written expressing disappointment in Marie Claire for letting someone write such mean-spirited words about overweight people.

Now, my reaction to this? Sure, I was annoyed by the author, especially when I read that she has struggled with an eating disorder most of her life. Can we say countertransference? And also because she is picking on Melissa McCarthy, who I adore since her years at The Groundlings, and who I think is one of the most gifted comedians on the planet. But rather than get on the Maura-bashing bandwagon, my thought is:

REALLY? People are surprised?

A woman who works for the very industry responsible for distorting women’s body image is saying out loud what the magazines have been covertly saying for years, and NOW we are gonna get our panties in a wad? I don’t get the outrage. I think what Maura said, offensive as it may be, is an accurate reflection of a fashion magazine, where typically women larger than a size 2 are rarely featured. (And when they are it is done in some kind of self-congratulatory, “othering” way).

Case in point, some photos from Marie Claire’s online “Meet the Marie Claire Models” section:

Okay, we’ll come back to that. The second story was on Oprah – who had Portia De Rossi on the show. Portia was finally speaking out on her eating disorder.

Newsflash, Oprah production team: WE ALREADY KNEW.

I don’t mean to be snarky about Portia, or about eating disorders. Portia seems like a genuine, lovely person and I have been a therapist long enough to see the way an eating disorder wreaks havoc on the lives of women and their families. It is a miserable, miserable condition to live with, and recovery is very difficult.

What grates me, though, is how the media is acting like her coming forward with the health consequences of being so thin is some kind of secret revelation:

OMG! You know that actress with the visible ribcage and bony shoulders? You are not gonna believe this, but it turns out that she was NOT at a healthy weight!

And also? Someone employed by a fashion magazine revealed a bias against fat people!!

I mean, really, why is any of this a surprise to us? In order to keep up with the body standards on television and/or magazines, most women need to starve themselves. I’m sure there are a lucky few that naturally maintain a taut size 0 into their thirties, but the majority of women we see on tv are just really, really hungry. And yet, I‘ve only heard one actress willing to talk about this reality. Julianne Moore admits:

“I hate dieting. I hate having to do it to be the 'right' size. I’m hungry all the time. I think I’m a slender person, but the industry apparently doesn’t. All actresses are hungry all the time, I think.” ”

Personally, I’d like to see an actress playing a mom with a little post-baby bulge. I’d like to see someone play a mom who actually looks like a woman who carried a baby in a stretched-beyond-recognition tummy for nine months that does not retract upon giving birth. I’m sick of ridiculously toned actresses playing mothers of young children, with no provision for how they are staying so thin written into the script. Because, dude, if you pop out three kids and then look like this:

then there should be a plotline revolving around all the working out and dieting you are doing.

Can I get a witness?

I’d like to see someone who looks like me. A “medium”. A size 8/10, pear-shaped, not-totally-fat-but-not-skinny REGULAR OLE’ PERSON.

I am sick of the dichotomy of underweight women as “normal” and then extremely overweight people as character devices. With no judgments for my naturally skinny and naturally heavy fellow women, I just think it’s unhealthy that more regular-sized people are so rarely portrayed. Even in writing this, I’m trying to think of an example of an average-sized actress and I’m coming up short.

And sure, there is a perfect straw-man argument here in regards to the unhealthiness of being overweight. But the health risks of anorexia are certainly as serious as someone who is obese, and I rarely see people recoiling in horror at images of skinny actresses, or writing earnest blog posts about their risk of osteoperosis or losing their hair. I mean, why isn’t someone calling for bony people to get a room?

Not that they should. I’m just saying there is a double standard for the “unhealth” that we are willing to accept, and we seem all-too-willing to tolerate the physical manifestations of anorexia that permeate our visual culture. all the live-long day. And again, I get that some people are gonna be naturally thin their whole life. I’m married to one of them. I’m just saying that the over-representation of SHOCKINGLY THIN people in the media seems to be one of those societal norm that we all shrug our shoulders at and then ignore . . . until somebody like Maura says something stupid, or an actress is brave enough to say, you know? Looking like this is slowly killing me.

So, my reaction? Yes, I’m outraged. But I’m have been for a long time now. it’s a slow burn, and it’s been building since I was a teenager and first started reading fashion magazines, stoked by my own experience of healthy living and still struggling with my weight, and fueled further by my work with women who have eating disorders. It’s not directed towards Maura – become ultimately she is just a victim of a much larger system, and she was merely a poorly-edited spokesperson for a culture that rewards women for being scarily underweight.

I feel like we have come to a point where being thin is so so linked to our notions of beauty and success that we no longer even notice that it’s a problem. We are just outraged when someone says it out loud, because it is this unspoken rule that we all “get” but never speak.

And the problem is so pervasive and so entrenched in our society’s subconscious that I’m not really sure how to solve it.

Recap of the Rally to Restore Sanity

Kristen Howerton — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 00:50:28 -0700

I had the chance to attend the Rally to Restore Sanity this past weekend. In all, I thought the rally was really effective. There were moments of silliness, and quite a few times when my friend and I observed that the programming felt a bit reminiscent of our youth ministry days. There were some brief moments when I wondering if this was all a big festival of hipsters reveling in irony . . . and there was certainly that element going on. But what drew me to the rally, and what sealed my admiration of the event, was the call to putting aside our difference and our fears in order to make our country better. I think everyone there had a sense of patriotism and a desire to see our country less polarized.

After a couple hours of comedy bits and musical numbers, Jon took the stage for what ended up being a rather sincere and impassioned keynote address.

Whether you are a long-time fan of the Daily Show, or someone who things this entire event was just a big mockery of people you admire, I would encourage you to watch this. I think you will find that the message was not really about criticizing one political stance or another, but about finding common ground, and being respectful where we differ.

While there were times when that message was being presented in an overly simplistic way, I was reminded that even as basic as the message is, a good portion of our political representatives and pundits still don’t get it. Or don’t care to put those ideals into action. I thought it was inspiring to see such a large group of people come together, not over some common villain, but out of a desire to rally for patriotism without fear.

Here is a portion of the closing remarks:

"I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

Unfortunately, one of our main tools in delineating the two broke. The country's 24-hour politico pundit panic conflict-onator did not cause our problems, but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

There are terrorists and racists and Stalinists and theocrats, but those are titles that must be earned. You must have the resume. Not being able to distinguish between real racists and tea partiers, or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rich Sanchez is an insult -- not only to those people, but to the racists themselves, who have put forth the exhausting effort it takes to hate. Just as the inability to distinguish between terrorists and Muslims makes us less safe, not more.

The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything we eventually get sicker. And perhaps eczema. Yet, with that being said, I feel good. Strangely, calmly good, because the image of Americans that is reflected back to us by our political and media process is false. It is us through a funhouse mirror, and not the good kind that makes you slim and taller -- but the kind where you have a giant forehead and an ass like a pumpkin and one eyeball.

So, why would we work together? Why would you reach across the aisle to a pumpkin assed forehead eyeball monster? If the picture of us were true, our inability to solve problems would actually be quite sane and reasonable. Why would you work with Marxists actively subverting our Constitution or racists and homophobes who see no one’s humanity but their own? We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is -- on the brink of catastrophe -- torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day. The only place we don't is here or on cable TV. Americans don't live here or on cable TV. Where we live our values and principles form the foundation that sustains us while we get things done, not the barriers that prevent us from getting things done.

Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that our just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it’s something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises."

The rally was a reminder of how blessed we are to live in the United States, a place where everyone gets a vote, where we are free to share our opinions, where government is changed without bloodshed or military coups, and where differing political views may polarize, but never jeopardize our safety or our economic standing. In a time when so much political animosity abounds, it was refreshing to see so many people come together to say, hey, LET’S TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH. We’ve got it pretty good.