Judy Fujimura

Jon and Kate Plus Deb8

Judy Fujimura — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 09:51:26 -0700

Can it possibly be just three years ago that the television program Jon and Kate Plus Eight first appeared?   My daughter first discovered the program, featuring a family with twins and sextuplets, living in Eastern Pennsylvania, and introduced our family to the program.    I, and millions of others, quickly became fascinated with them all.   As the controversy and possible scandal swirl over recent events associated with the family, they are being pressured to deal publicly with very private issues.   As they struggle, the public is left with the comparative luxury of debating as to what would be the appropriate position to take on the many difficult dilemmas that the Gosselins must resolve.   I would argue that the process of resolving the dilemmas of people we don’t know personally does much more for the person sitting in the comfortable armchair of judge than it does for the person sitting in the hot seat of judgment.   It tells us a lot about how we process our own dilemmas, and what we value.   Thinking about other people’s dilemmas reveals how we process our own failures and successes.

Thinking first about the many dilemmas faced by the Gosselins, it would be possible to come up with a short list:

1. Should people pursue IVF treatment, knowing that they may have to face the impossible dilemma of whether to end one or more human lives by not implanting all of the embryos produced by the treatment?
2. Should a parent then implant all embryos that develop from an IVF treatment?
3. Should the surrounding community assist parents of multiples, giving of their time and finances?   What if community members disagree with IVF, or with parent who have large families, due to environmental or other concerns?
4. How much privacy should parents be expected to give up in order to produce an interesting television program about their family?
5. Is it O.K. to create a family event for the sake of television ratings?
6. At what age should a child be allowed to decide for himself or herself how much privacy they want and need?
7. How long is it a good idea to keep one’s children in the public eye?
8. How much stress is “too much” stress for adults and children in a reality television program, and how is that determined?
9. Is it wrong to have an emotional affair?
10.    Is it O.K. to observe other people’s lives on television?

Emotionally healthy people resolve their difficult personal dilemmas based on their own deeply held personal values.   When emotions are high regarding an issue, this is usually a signal that the issue touches a deeply held personal value.   The reverse can also be true, that we feel blasé or numb about an issue at first, because our emotions around it are so intense that we are uncomfortable approaching them, and our emotional self has shut down a little, as a form of self-protection.   A skillful psychotherapist helps people in difficult dilemmas to identify the emotions that the issue touches, and to provide empathy for the person’s emotional experience.   Probable outcomes of various answers to a dilemma can then be explored.   The next task is for the person who is in the dilemma to make the best decision they can.   A good decision is one that takes the emotions and probable outcomes into consideration, but above all, aligns with the decisionmaker’s deeply held personal values.    A person can be at peace with a decision, even if it puts oneself at a disadvantage and causes much personal pain, as long as one does not violate one’s own personal value system.   Couples face the more challenging task of resolving dilemmas in ways that align with the deeply held personal values of both spouses.   Successful resolution of one’s more difficult dilemmas builds maturity and emotional health over time.   But we can even learn from poor decisions, if we process the consequences of them.

Any of the ten dilemmas posed above could touch on the deeply held personal values of most people, such as the debate over when life begins; what constitutes marital fidelity; child labor laws; and the sanctity of marriage.   Thinking about other people’s dilemmas helps those who are the observers to better define their own deeply held personal values, and to connect with the emotions those dilemmas trigger.   This helps observers to feel better prepared for the day when they will be faced with a difficult dilemma, although nothing can replace “real reality.”    Only the first-hand experience of resolving one’s own dilemmas can develop the maturity to resolve one’s next major dilemma.    Only the person who is going through the emotional toll that a major personal   dilemma exacts; doing the soul-searching as to whether their personal value system can stand up to the test;   and paying the consequences of the decision that is made, is experiencing “real reality.”    By observing, outsiders gain armchair wisdom at best; voyeuristic pleasure in most cases; and mean-spirited smugness at our worst.   A far better way to prepare for one’s next major dilemma is to be in touch with one’s emotions and to ardently, actively, learn and adhere to a personal value system that is solid and eternal, true and loving.

Resolving the dilemmas of people we don’t know also reveals a lot about how we process our own past failures and successes.   Is there a part of you that needs to experience forgiveness for a poor decision?   To repeat, a poor decision is not one that results in a disadvantage to the self, or that produces difficult emotions, but one that violates one’s personal values.   People sometimes torture themselves for decades over a poor decision, as a way to remind themselves never to repeat the same bad decision.   They also avoid or cannot feel gracious towards people associated with the failed decision.   They may be successful, but at the cost of their sense of self-worth and some of their key relationships.   Another problem with this approach is that people face so many new dilemmas for which they are often unprepared because they have spent their mental and emotional and spiritual energies focusing on the unsatisfying outcome of their previous dilemma.

Is there a part of you that places too much weight on your past successes?   A symptom of this problem is the inability to slow down and process their current life.   Success-driven people can be a little too impressed with themselves, thinking that they are too wise to get bogged down by a difficult dilemma.   They can also be very anxious, even when things are going well.   And when they finally experience a major failure, they can get very depressed.   Some people who dwell on past success with old dilemmas will tediously recite stories of their glory days, rather than process their current life.   Dwelling on past dilemmas, no matter how gloriously successful or dismally failed, both can keep people from living “real reality” as fully as possible, because in both cases the person is spending much more time thinking about the past than developing a value system that will carry them into the future.

There is a part of all of us that longs to be connected to perfect wisdom and goodness, and pure and eternal values.   It can feel like we have these all figured out while we relax and are entertained by watching other people deal with their dilemmas.    But the way that people mature into the knowledge of these good things is to think about what they value, and use their values to deal with their own “real reality.”   I have enjoyed watching Jon and Kate Gosselin and their children, possibly because they remind me of our family with (only) three biracial little ones, just a few short years ago.   As long as their television show is fun for them, it will be fun for me.   But I have also felt a little uncomfortable when one of the Gosselin children covers their face with their hands, or runs away from the camera.   I think this couple will have the maturity to resolve their current dilemmas successfully, and I wish them all the best.

In Praise of Step-parents

Judy Fujimura — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 08:44:07 -0700

Every so often, in New York City or elsewhere, I notice a family group that appears to be a blended family or a parent and child with the parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend.   I am always curious about their experience, what it’s like to be in their position.   In a train station, I recently noticed a woman and man with, I presume, the man’s young daughter.   The little girl resembled the man and not the woman.   Neither adult wore a wedding ring.   The woman was well groomed, very fit, and wore stylish clothes and high heels.   As the little girl prattled on, the woman listened attentively, making frequent eye contact with the little girl,   while the father looked on with an expression combining caution and need.   I imagine that the girl’s mother probably didn’t have such a nice haircut, and she probably wasn’t as fit as this woman.   The mother probably wears simple shoes that can be worn to the office or to the playground.   She wouldn’t need to be making constant eye contact with the little girl, because the little girl would be making frequent eye contact and physical contact with her.   All of the characters in this vignette have extremely difficult roles to play, but the step-parent or potential step-parent has the least understood role, and faces unique challenges, including the following:

1. The step-parent’s very presence is a constant reminder of the parents’ conflicts.   There is sadness, perhaps regrets, and unresolved issues over the divorce, or death of a parent.
2. A step-parent rarely has the power that a parent has, and must therefore learn to acquiesce to the biological parent’s views, even if the step-parent has more familiarity with the issue at hand.
3. A step-parent rarely receives a step-child’s affection, and finds it very difficult to maintain the trust and love of the step-child.   A step-parent is expected to be infinitely patient and kind with the step-children, who may still be hurting as a result of family changes, and not very patient in return.   One thoughtless remark by a step-parent can negate two years’ worth of careful relationship-building.
4. During family milestone events, such as a wedding or bar mitzvah, a step-parent is often told that she or he is less of a family member than the biological family members are.   They are routinely asked to step out of photograph groups, or it is suggested that they not attend the event.   Their sacrifice in nurturing a child towards reaching the milestone goes unacknowledged.
5. It is often assumed by outsiders that the step-parent was the “third party” during the first marriage, and the cause of the divorce.   However, it is statistically less common for an ex-spouse to marry the person with whom they had an affair during their previous marriage.   It is also assumed, in the case of the death of a parent, that the step-parent asserted their presence with the grieving spouse before the widow or widower was ready to move on emotionally, and certainly before the grieving family was ready to move on emotionally.
6. It is often assumed by outsiders that the step-parent is “gold-digging,”   “spending the inheritance,”   or in some other way entering the marriage with hopes of financial gain.   This is another assumption that is unsupported by statistics.
7. Step-parents face pressure to maintain their sexual attractiveness and sexual frequency, as they are in a new marriage after all.   They are expected to do this with 100% discretion, so that the step-children won’t be “grossed out” .
8. If the step-parent and biological parent have a child together, there are fears that the step-parent will automatically favor the biological child over the step-children.   While this can happen, there are a lot of thoughtful adults in blended families who make great efforts to insure that there is enough love to go around.

Step-parents know first-hand that blended families often feel “chopped up”, “shaken and stirred”, and “scrambled”   too.   Some step-parents feel like failures, or give up trying to succeed, under the weight of their various challenges.   But there are many reasons to be thankful for step-parents.   For one thing, they are a constant reminder that the biological parent is loveable.   Their love for the biological parent helps the whole family   to heal from the divorce or death, and develop into stronger people.    Step-parents can be very resourceful, bringing new solutions to bear on old problems.   Many step-parents are terrific role models.
In short, step-parents deserve all of the support, consideration and respect they can get, because they can potentially add so much that is good to the family system.   Anyone who is seriously dating someone with children might want to get educated about the challenges of step-parenting in general and with this family in particular.   Be prepared to make informed choices.   For parents considering remarriage, this is the time to get professional counseling for unresolved grief or issues from the previous marriage.   Divorced people and widows/widowers who have processed the issues from the first marriage, often make the best spouses.   Most importantly, before making a permanent commitment, be sure that the person you are dating really loves your children.   People   who are willing to love again, and to put in the necessary effort to make it a good experience for all involved, create life-affirming and inspiring families.

Tell Me Something Good: The Benefits of Affirming Others

Judy Fujimura — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:15:52 -0700

As I write this blog on a quiet Sunday afternoon in New York City, people seem to be taking a short rest from the stress and trauma of recent economic events.   We are also enjoying a welcome break from winter weather.   We can all start thinking about the stresses of the real world tomorrow, but for now people have a few hours to watch some sports, hug a loved one, get some exercise, or take a nap.    Tomorrow, when all of the stress comes back, one way to help oneself and others to get through the stress and emerge stronger is to develop a lifestyle of affirming others.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s book,, The Five Love Languages, is a helpful resource for learning some new strategies for affirming others.   He outlines physical touch, time and attention, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service as prime ways to affirm others.   With careful observation and a little creativity, one can learn the favorite love languages of the special people in one’s life, and make a point to include loving acts and words in   daily interactions with them.   It’s an easy concept, and so easy to implement that a five-year-old could do it.   In fact, five-year-olds and children even younger do affirm those they love.   Parents and caregivers are amazed every day by the kindness of children.   So if humans have such an apparent capacity to develop a lifestyle of affirmation, why do so few people feel that they are doing a good job of affirming those they love, and why do so few people feel affirmed?

What adults tell me most often is that their spouse or significant other does not deserve to be affirmed, or that they themselves do not deserve affirmation.    Most people feel that older teens and adults should only be affirmed when they have earned it; therefore, they are slow to give affirmation and embarrassed to receive affirmation from others.   Asking directly for affirmation is particularly difficult for older teens and young adults.   No one wants to appear “needy”.    Not unexpectedly, the standard for earning or deserving affirmation in Western culture is a bar that is set very high indeed.   This problem cuts across all demographic and religious sectors.   Therapists are currently emphasizing with clients that no mortal is perfect, or even close to perfect, and that, while we should all strive to be better people, we need to give and receive   encouragement all along the way in order to become that better person we envision becoming.

The next most common hindrance to affirmation is that people are hesitant to initiate affirmation, even when they feel the other person   “deserves”   or needs it.   Most people want to be affirmed first, and then reciprocate in kind.   This is a universal concern too, just like the demand for perfection mentioned above, This second concern touches a more private and spiritual place for people, which could explain why it is not the “top of mind” response that the demand for perfection is.   Every human being has a deep and legitimate need to be the recipient of affirming love. This isn’t needy, but normal.    People who don’t feel that this need is being met, can fall prey to various counterfeit forms of affirmation that could be called “affirmabation.”   This term refers to something that everyone knows is not as good as the “real thing,” but is at least predictable, can be done without the complications of communicating directly with another person, and feels “good enough” at the time.   Bragging, looking at pornography, shopping just to give oneself a lift, abusing one’s power, abusing substances, fishing for compliments, casual sex, and gossiping are all common examples of affirmabation.    As everyone who has fallen into this trap knows, the temporary good feelings that affirmabation delivers are usually   followed by feelings of emptiness, and the desire to be filled again.   When that empty feeling becomes a pattern, the best way out of it is to look for where your real affirmation comes from.

Who are the people in your life who respect and affirm you?   Not the people who   supply   your affirmabation habit, but those who care about the authentic and imperfect   you, are the ones to stay close to.    Seek out new relationships, groups, and communities that affirm everyone, not just the “special people”.    Get creative in developing ways to affirm the people you care about.   Overcome your own hurdles that are blocking you from developing a lifestyle of affirmation, because like attracts like:   people who affirm others for being who they really are, attract those who desire real affirmation, not counterfeits.   Perhaps counterintuitively, a lifestyle of affirmation does not diminish the self, it makes the self stronger, more resilient to life’s ups and downs.   Stevie Wonder’s lyrics to the 1974 hit song performed by Rufus, featuring the legendary Chaka Khan, while a little risqué, provide a fun way to remember to affirm others.   Tell someone you love something good, and don’t let pride or busy-ness get in the way.   You just might set someone on fire – in a good way.

Thirty Eight Weeks in Reverse

Judy Fujimura — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 13:51:10 -0800

My family is in an expectant mode these days, as our second son goes through the college application process and awaits responses from schools.   His process is particularly complex, as he is required to undergo auditions in several cities in addition to the usual written applications.   Another layer of complexity is added by the option of taking a semester or a year off between high school and college to work in the music world.    As our son prepares for all things new, I am filled with the sense that I have had this dream before, felt these feelings, thought these thoughts.    It occurs to me that launching a child feels a lot like pregnancy.   Our family is traveling through thirty-eight weeks in reverse.

Last fall, the start of senior year, was the excited but nauseous stage, as our son’s new life outside of our home became tangible.   He and others said things like, “Next Thanksgiving you’ll be coming back from college for the holiday.”    The nausea enters when we consider how strong the competition is for entry into these schools.   It seems that other applicants and their parents must be doing more, or doing it better.     It’s not the Sartre-esque nausea of despair and meaningless, thank goodness; only the kind of nausea that comes with anxious nerves.   But in a lot of households despair can and does set in, and this is something I watch for very closely as a clinician and as a friend.

Then there is the over-busy and not-enough-time-to-process phase.   My son is fully engaged in his high school life while filling out forms, sending out music DVDs, and doing auditions, which requires him to work efficiently every day in order to keep up.   Being seventeen is great, but who has the time? In the midst of all of this, our family is feeling sentimental.   Our son has wondered aloud how many more family dinners we will have together before he goes away.   He is also being very purposeful about spending quality time with his high school friends.   I find myself stealing moments to sit with the photo albums chronicling his childhood.   Perhaps it’s a good thing there isn’t much time to process all of this, because it would be a shame to bathe in sentiment and forget that the best is yet to come.

Next comes the assessment and waiting period.   My husband and I talk about whether we have done all that we can do for our son.   Have we taught him all of the skills he will need, and have we imparted all of the wisdom we can?   Have we listened enough?   Have we helped him to be secure in his faith?   Have we given him enough material resources, but not so much that we spoil him?   It has been especially challenging to allow him to make his own choices and to let him live with those choices.   At some point, when all of the applications and auditions are completed, and the last few high school events play out, we will wait.   No one is particularly good at waiting, or comfortable with it.   Dan Allender, in his book “ Cry of the Soul”, suggests that waiting reminds people of their mortality, which can be a frightening prospect.   The discipline of waiting is a wise investment for teens, parents, and people of all ages, because waiting is closely tied to Sabbath rest.   Having done all that we can do, we watch and learn as God completes the work.

Soon we will be informed of decisions from colleges, and our son will then decide on his direction for September and beyond.   He wrote a song called “Riptide”, which he performed at his brother’s wedding last July.   The song is applicable to weddings, or to any major life event, as it likens love, and a major life change, to a riptide.    Even after all of the anxious moments, preparation, and waiting, the actual anticipated change feels like a birth, a riptide, like being swept forward into something new, propelled by a force much greater than oneself, a force that is, to borrow from C.S. Lewis, not safe, but good.    As our family travels through thirty-eight weeks in reverse, we look forward to celebrating together in the Riptide.

Another Book-Lover

Judy Fujimura — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 12:12:01 -0800

At the beginning of 2008 I read Alissa Wilkinson’s terrific blog on the subject of loving books, and was quite taken with her idea of recording all of the books one has read for the whole calendar year. So here’s my list for 2008, with some accompanying commentary. One thing I noticed while looking over my list is that they all have human relationships at their center.

1 - The Merchant of Venice – William Shakespeare. This play always gets me thinking about the eternal problem of how difficult it is for diverse people groups to get along. Shylock always reminds me that even the most difficult and annoying people deserve empathy. If other people cannot provide it, there is the assurance that God has provided difficult people with the empathy they need, in the person of Jesus Christ.

2 – Mansfield Park – Jane Austen. Jane Austen was one of my first “real” authors. My Aunt Dru, who is very dear to me, got me started reading Jane Austen (and Charlotte Bronte, of course) when I was about 12 years old.   I love the Gospel parallel of the last being made first, and the lonely being put into families, although I really was rooting for Fanny Price to win all the marbles and own the big house.

3 – A Dress to Die For – Dolores Johnson. This is one of several mystery books of the “tea cozy” genre that I enjoyed this year during my train rides home from work.   My personal favorites are the ones with cookie recipes, and the ones in which the cat solves the mystery. At the root of my lifelong attraction to mysteries is that they affirm the value of every human life.

4 – Leaves of Grass – Walt Whitman. This is one of those books that is so much a part of the culture that you feel like you have read it, even if you have not. I had only read excerpts carefully selected by my high school English teacher, and atter reading the whole thing this year, it is easy to understand why!   Few people know that Whitman lived in Camden, NJ for the last nineteen years of his life. I grew up about 5 miles from there. Yay, South Jersey!

5 -- John Adams – the biography by David McCullough.    I read John Adams this year because my friend Tara Hawks expertly crafted some of the costumes for the recent television miniseries about Adams’ life, and because my husband had just given the book to me as a Christmas present.   I was fascinated and impressed by the Adams’ marriage, and their relationships with their children, as well as their strength of character and their scholarliness. Much of the correspondence contrasts rationalism and romanticism with the belief in absolute truth.

6 – Strong Poison, and Gaudy Night, by Dorothy Sayers. Dorothy Sayers is one of my all-star authors. The third in this trilogy is Busman’s Honeymoon. These mystery novels were published during the 1930’s and deal brilliantly with politics and relationships between men and women.

7 – The Eyre Affair – Jasper Fford. This book was a gift from a good friend, who knows that Jane Eyre is my favorite book. It was pure fun for a book-lover, a kooky time-travel story full of off-beat characters and twists on classic books.

8 – Crown of Wild Olive -- lectures of John Ruskin. Speaking to live audiences in Victorian England, John Ruskin was direct and forceful in his views on class structure, esthetics, and a just economy. These presentations were made towards the end of the era when it was assumed that the listener had a basic knowledge of the Bible, whether or not she might agree with it; and a basic knowledge of classical literature.

9 -- Three Cups of Tea – Greg Mortensen and David Oliver Relin. It’s the story of Greg Mortensen, a mountain climber who works with local communities in Pakistan and Afganistan to build schools. This book conveys the message that a just society sustains life, creates beauty, and mitigates against evil – well, most of the time. There are rumors that Mortensen has been nominated for the Nobel peace prize.

10 – Water for Elephants -- Sara Gruen. This new book, set in the depression era, is the story of a senior at Cornell who joins the circus, and meets the two loves of his life. The book places a high value on lifetime love, which is timely for today’s readers, who may be questioning the attainability or even the value of lifetime love.

11 - A Song I Knew by Heart – Brett Lott.   If ever there were a writer for marriage and family therapists, Brett Lott is that writer. He gets us. Now I must read all of his other novels, including his biggest-seller, Jewel, about a family with a Downs Syndrome child.

12 – Are Women Human? Essays by Dorothy Sayers. Did I mention that Dorothy Sayers is one of my all-stars? It is especially satisfying to read a favorite author across various genres.

13 – The Southern Review. Although admittedly not a book, this literary journal is included on my list this year because every piece included is of such high quality.

14 -- Poems of Gerard Manley Hopkins. I am not qualified to comment on poets, but would just say that Hopkins’ writing, while widely discussed for its scholarly merits, does not seem to get enough attention for its esthetic beauty.

15 – Phineas Finn -- Anthony Trollope. I attended an author’s talk by P.D. James, another one of my “all-stars”, at which a member of the audience asked her what she was currently reading. She said that she was not reading many new books at the time, but rather re-reading several authors, including Trollope. The next day I hit the Strand book store and purchased the first two books in the Palliser series, including Phineas Finn. The two books together made my tote bag weigh about the same as a bowling ball. My labors carrying my heavy load home were not in vain, as Trollope is now one of my favorite authors.

16 – A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens. There’s only one Dickens. Different thoughts strike me each time I re-read A Christmas Carol. This year, it was Marley’s ghost explaining why some souls have to travel abroad for great lengths of time, with no peace, no rest, and constant remorse. Marley’s ghost explained that this was the fate of people who choose to live their earthly lives within a limited self-centered sphere.

17 – Life Together – Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I have read this inspired book several times during my morning Bible study time. Any discussion of relationships must include, as Bonhoeffer did, a treatment of one’s relationship with oneself in solitude. This book contributed to my comparatively basic thoughts in my Conversant entry, “It’s the Stupid Economy”.

There were also numerous therapy books and theological books on my list this year. I have started Nancy Pearcey’s book Total Truth, which I think makes the reader more conscious of the source of personal values and even personal value-making. I wonder if my list has any books in common with any Conversant readers. It would be fun to compare notes!

From our Home to Yours

Judy Fujimura — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 00:00:00 -0800

In a historic and pivotal year for our Nation, my thoughts run daily from macrocosm to microcosm. With the backdrop of historic elections and tectonic changes in the world economy, my family has undergone many changes as well. One child is applying to colleges, and our youngest will soon be the only child in the house. By far the highlight of the year was the marriage of our oldest son to his high school sweetheart. My uncle, who is a Catholic priest, gave the invocation at the wedding. His words aptly encapsulated our family’s feelings and hopes for the young couple as they launch their lives together. Here are my uncle’s words:

Let us remember that we are in the holy presence of God.

O Gracious and loving God – reach down and caress our Bride and Groom today. Strengthen them to be faithful to the vows they will pronounce. Bless them as they begin their life together with each other and with you.

In a world of chaos – let them bring order.
In a world of selfishness – let them have a loving concern for each other.
In a world of instant results – let them be ready for the long haul.
May they celebrate 25 and 50 years of marriage.
In a world of war – let them be persons of peace.
In a world if individualism – let them share their love with each other and with their children.
In a world that stresses wealth – let them share their resources and serve the needy and the poor.
In a world of selfishness – let them paint a portrait of goodness and beauty and love, remembering that each day, the greatest in the Kingdom of God is the one who serves the needs of all.

O Lord, may the lives of their parents be a foundation of their life together. May they build their life together on the foundation of faith, love, and service given to them by their parents. O Lord, listen to our prayer today. May they be especially blessed by You today. May they live life united with you and with each other. May they live to see their children’s children. May they receive from you the rewards of a good life and live with You for all eternity. Amen.

Experiencing something on a deep emotional level leads me to reflect on what that event says about God, the world, and myself. I ask my clients to reflect in this way as part of their psychotherapy process. As I reflect on my Uncle’s words, and experience the deep joy of watching a wonderful couple get married, I sense the Trinity being lived out in this new family unit, comprised of two human beings and God working in harmony to become the chord of three strands that is not easily broken.. I can expect that this new bride and groom will give to each other in Christlike sacrifice over the years, in ways that their friends and families, as good as they are, could never provide. This process models the world’s need for a Savior. My own sense of needing a Savior is renewed when I watch a young couple get married, along with my deep assurance of God’s provision for that need and for every other need. Couples are at the heart of my vocational calling, and this is confirmed by experiencing God more deeply as a result of working with couples.

From my home to yours, all the best wishes for a Merry Christmas and a New Year full of satisfying work and a deeper faith.

Is it a Marriage or a Relationship?

Judy Fujimura — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 09:51:15 -0800

My husband and I celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary this summer, but we are not in a relationship. We were in a relationship before we got married, but as of August 13, 1983, we have not been in a relationship. We do talk to each other, and we do live in the same home.   We have physical contact,   and three beautiful children as evidence of that.   In fact, we are deeply connected at a heart and soul level.   So why the steadfast refusal to enter into a relationship with my spouse? Isn’t it a little late in the game to be thinking about getting close to each other?   The reason is that people in a relationship stay together or move apart, based on how they are relating to each other; while people who are married stay together or move apart based on mutual legally documented promises made at the wedding, and their discernment as to whether those promises are being kept, have been broken with hope of repair, or have been irrevocably broken.

In a marriage, the promises are the primary foundation, and in a relationship, the quality of relating is the primary foundation. In a marriage, the promises to love , honor and be faithful are clearly verbalized in front of at least one witness.   There is a legal document, a marriage certificate or marriage license, entitling both parties to particular rights and priviledges, based on the public promises.   There are distinct barriers to ending a marriage,   and there is usually an acknowledgement   that this a change from the original plan to stay married until one of the spouses dies.   By contract, in a relationship, if there are promises made, they are usually made in private, and undocumented.    There is usually a tacit understanding that it would be perfectly reasonable, although probably   very painful, for one or the other partner in the relationship to renegotiate   the time frame for those promises.   Because they have different foundations, relationships and marriages have different root causes   underlying the ir issues, and different solution paths to those issues.

Most of my married clients have told me that they want to work through the problems in their “relationship”. Perhaps this choice of wording reflects the wish for escape   that married people sometimes experience   during conflict. Spouses in conflict sometimes wish there were an easy way out of the marriage, as there was back when they were in a relationship.   In most cases, the use of the term “relationship” is more likely being used by clients who have adopted the current   cultural norm of referring to any two people who are a couple as being in a “relationship.”   Part of my work with couples is helping clients to properly identify the context, - a marriage or a relationship -   before looking for root causes and solution paths. It is important   during conflicts, when one   is bored, or even when things are going really   well with one’s significant other, to reflect on which type of couple one is in – a relationship   or a marriage.   Neither type of couple   is, in itself,    better or superior to the other. However, there are healthy behaviors   and goals for each type of couple that are distinct. Both types deserve to be affirmed, but the tricky part is in not losing the distinctives of each type in the process.

To use an example from my clinical experience,    let’s say I am seeing two couples. One is Adam and Betty, who are living together with the possibility of becoming engaged being open-ended.   The other is Charles and Dorcas, who are married. Both have the presenting problem that they feel that they have different goals, and they want to do better with this. With Adam and Betty, I will help them to develop skills for better understanding of the other person’s world and experience, and have each of them find out how   welcome they   would be if they participated more in the other’s activities of interest. The root cause   is lack of knowledge.    If one of them has trouble supporting the other’s activities,    or is not comfortable participating with the other or letting the other participate, that tells them a lot about whether they would enjoy being married to each other. With Charles and Dorcas, I would   review the same skills that Adam and Betty worked on, and find out if there was a time in their marriage when such participation and mutual support was easy for them to maintain.    The root cause here is probably time pressure,   combined with new responsibilities. If they Charles and Dorcas can re-establish the habits of mutual support and participation, they can experience their marriage commitment at a deeper level.

Happily married   couples   report that it’s not enough just to have a supportive attitude, they want to be an integral part of their spouse’s success. Remarkably, they want to support their spouse even when the spouse fails. In other words, it’s not enough for the spouse to be a success or to enjoy an activity. “Your happiness” becomes “our happiness”. “Your passion” becomes “our passion”. “Your setback” becomes “our setback.” What I call The Story of Us becomes a strength for the good times and a source of energy in the bad times.   (If another therapist has already coined this phrase, then my apologies to them. I will be happy to cite previous sources if made available.)

When a dating couple mutually notice that they   are starting to develop The Story of Us, they begin to look towards marriage.   When Mako and I were in our relationship,   at some point I realized that it wouldn’t be enough for me to attend his art exhibits and to know   that good things were happening in his career. I wanted to be participate in his interests, and be an integral part of his success.   Believe me, I do not have the skills to help out in the studio. I have   participated in other ways. He realized, at some point, that it wasn’t good enough that I had this great thing called faith in Christ that inspired my life and work. He felt the urge to investigate the claims of Christ personally. The Story of Us requires that both partners not only desire to be committed to each other, but that they be willing to possibly undergo some personal change and growth in the process. When a husband joyfully announces “We’re pregnant” or a wife confides, “We got laid off from his job this year”, it demonstrates The Story of Us is being written for those couples.

Whether two people are in a relationship or a marriage, there is much to be enjoyed and much to learn.   They may be getting to know, they may have supported each other emotionally for a long time, or they may have already written many chapters together in The Story of Us. Marriages and relationships both can be celebrated. Which kind of couple are you?

It’s the Stupid Economy

Judy Fujimura — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 15:19:33 -0800

Some Conversant readers may be old enough to remember former President Bill Clinton’s slogan during his first election campaign, in 1992, “It’s the economy, Stupid!” I remember the era fairly well, and was surprised at that time by the huge popularity of what I considered to be a rather insulting message, aimed at the Republican administration.    When there is a distressing national problem, it seems natural to want to find the origin of that problem as the first step towards solving it. But finding where the problem started is just the beginning of the process of changing things for the better. The same thing is true in close relationships. Finding the origins of problems is basic to what we do in psychotherapy.   But there is so much more.

Asking and receiving forgiveness are two of the most healing gestures that people can make, as is learning how to extend grace when one is the injured party .   Sometimes in therapy, the person or persons who were the offenders are no longer living, or communication has been cut off for some other reason.   In these cases, the therapist can help those who are present in the situation to move forward. Some problems are no one’s personal responsibility, such as natural disasters.   In all of these types of situations, problem solving is a large part of the healing process. All of the family members can be figuratively   on the same side of the bargaining table, with the problem on the other side, and if the timing is right for this, it clears the way for powerful change to occur. Then people feel that their close relationships got stronger as a result of working through problems together.   One of the largest benefits of therapy, aside from the things one does in therapy, is the hope that comes from not having to face problems alone. Many of my clients mention at the beginning and end of therapy , that they value the input from a neutral, non-blaming   party.

Very few of my clients want to linger in the blame stage, because blaming makes people want to be isolated, just when they need each other most. People want to give and receive forgiveness, make peace, and move forward towards problem-solving, and learn how to appreciate each other more.   If this approach to resolving issues could be applied on a national level, just imagine   what progress we could make as a nation, with problems such as the current economic crisis.   In the past weeks, we have all heard the Republicans blamed, and we have heard the Democrats blamed.   We have heard corporations blamed, and individuals blamed, rich folks and the working class.     A few individuals have acknowledged personal responsibility, and for this they deserve respect.   There have been some solutions proposed, but how much forgiveness has been extended towards those who were greedy or short-sighted?   Only after forgiveness has been extended across various lines of culture and power, can Americans get on the same side of the table, face the problem squarely on the other side, and generate some solid and lasting solutions. We need to say, “It’s the stupid economy”   and then work together on how to make OUR stupid economy work better.

Getting back to the “micro” level, it is good to imagine forgiveness within our own close relationships , for problems that occur during this difficult economy, such as layoffs, credit card problems,   loss of retirement savings in the stock market, and mortgage problems.    Acknowledging personal responsibility    and extending forgiveness can establish peace in our close relationships, and   lead to creative problem-solving.   Recognizing when the problems are no one’s fault can be a big part of the healing and recovery process too.    A successful healing process can make people more resilient and resourceful in the face of future problems, and can even help people to begin to resolve their deeper spiritual questions.   By contrast, remaining mired in the blame game, with perpetual   “bad guys” and victims, solves nothing.    As more of my clients are affected by the recent economic hardships,   I hope and pray along with them that the most dire economic   predictions never become reality. But I am very curious and hopeful about the creative solutions American households can generate when we blame the “stupid economy” and not each other.

Remind Me, How Did We Get This Baby?

Judy Fujimura — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:03:01 -0700

What problem is as pressing on the minds of new parents as the economy? It is the problem of how to maintain their love life. New parents often find themselves divided by the same little person whom they have so recently welcomed to their family. Moms find that fatigue, body image and hormonal fluctuations all deflate sexual desire. Dads may feel some anxiety over their role as provider, and difficult emotions around having to share their wife’s love with someone else. Both Moms and Dads may have mixed feelings about whether it might be selfish to spend time on lovemaking when there are so many other needs to be met.

While the problem is still new and relatively uncomplicated, it’s a good idea for moms, dads, and couples jointly to consider a few ideas for how to nurture the sexual part of their marriage. Moms, try to have empathy for your husband, the changes he is going through, and his need to communicate his love and commitment to you sexually. Verbalize your attraction to him. This lets him know that you want a deep and mature heart connection in your marriage. Remember that it is not only O.K. to take care of yourself, it is essential. Get regular exercise, and don’t put off getting all of the post-natal medical attention you may need. Your arousal pattern may be a little different than before the baby, but this is O.K. Let yourself be free from societal pressure to get back to a perfect pre-pregnancy weight and shape, and remember that husbands take positive notice when you make the effort to look nice.

Dads, be helpful with housework and with the baby, so that your wife can relax knowing that these areas are under control. Work with her to develop a sustainable, mutually acceptable system for handling the family finances. A relaxed wife is more sexually open, and can be more spontaneous with you, than a wife who is worried about the budget and her endless to-do list. Do not expect to be paid back sexually for doing these things, but develop character, stability, and consideration. Emotionally healthy women are turned on by these traits. If you have mixed feelings about having the mother of your children touch you in ways that may now seem improper behavior for a mom, then talk to her about it. Touching each other in ways that you both feel good about is the goal, and there need not be too many restrictions placed on that.

As a married couple, remember that your sexual relations together are a beautiful fulfillment of your covenant bond, and a very tangible reminder of the Trinity at work in your lives and in your home. As such, it is worth the effort of saving some energy and creating some private time to enjoy being sexual together. Make it your goal to respond “Yes” when your spouse initiates sexually. Conversely, don’t let sex become the be-all and end-all. If you miss out on some sex because your baby needs attention, that’s just being a responsible parent. Also, let yourselves off the hook when it comes to maintaining a perfect home, eating perfectly prepared homemade meals, and building perfect resumes. Becoming a parent is even more profound and life-changing than what’s going on with the economy. The rewards for cleaving to each other while nurturing your child are deep and lasting.

What -- Me Worry?

Judy Fujimura — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:23:03 -0700

Do you remember the Mad magazine character with the silly grin, perhaps vacant, perhaps knowing, and the tag line “What – Me Worry?”. Mad magazine, and that silly grin on the cover, gave me many a happy break from the worries of adolescence. No matter what was happening to myself, my friends and family, or in the world of current events, that silly grin was a constant. On Saturday, my long-time friend Laura and I were discussing the current economic problems and their possible repurcussions, when the subject of worry came up. Laura has noticed that many people of faith are worried about what the future holds for themselves and their loved ones, should there be major economic hardships in the future.   She has also noticed that people of faith are wondering whether the current economic and political climate heralds the return of Christ, accompanied by possible tribulations for people around the globe.

Almost universally, parents want to wrestle with important issues in current events, so that they will be prepared with solid answers to their children’s questions on various issues. They want to then prepare for the future based on their best assessment of the situation, so that they can responsibly say “Yes” to a child’s most fundamental question, “Is our family going to be O.K.?”.   Being able to honestly affirm that things will be O.K. is crucial, because children, while they may not have the fully developed intellect to comprehend all the particulars and weigh these for themselves, have a fairly developed intuition, and can therefore “smell a lie” pretty quickly. Intuition, in the therapy world, is simply an early response of the brain and autonomic nervous system, to information that hasn’t been fully processed. If a child’s intuition tells them that Mom or Dad are lying about things being O.K., the child can feel worried and overwhelmed. Conversely, if Mom and Dad are confident that things will be O.K. in the long run, and that the family will get through difficulties together, the child feels safe and does not feel the need to take on adult cares.

On Saturday I told my friend Laura that whatever inconveniences, or even hardships that I or my family would have to endure, would be well worth the priviledge of participating in such a historic event, the return of Christ. She said she found my words encouraging and unique. Today, Monday, as I recalled our conversation, I wondered if my statement had been glib or hasty, with a smile pasted on just like the Mad magazine cover. Can I honestly tell my children that it is going to be O.K.? Have I thought this through? Or will they “smell a lie”?   I imagined our family being one of those “left behind.”   Perhaps my husband and I would have to cook meals for our children over a bunsen burner, because we were forced “off the grid” by a totalitarian anti-religious government. I would probably have to home school them, and they would resent it. They would give us guilt trips about how ALL the other kids get to go to school because their parents “just said” they were agnostics. We would sit around one oil lamp in the evenings, hand-grinding wheat for the next day, planning whom we could barter with for other necessities, and discussing how far each of us had had to walk that day. I can honestly say yes, I would gladly undergo these hardships for the priviledge of participating in Christ’s return, and I think that my husband and I could allay our kids’ concerns as well.

How about a less fanciful, but more probable scenario, in which people of faith would be put into death camps? This one has actually happened before. Inconceivably, a lot of today’s young people here and around the world do not know anything about what is arguably the darkest chapter in human history, and they should be taught about the holocaust, even though it is scary, and politically embarrassing to some governments.    Can I honestly tell my children, “We’re going to be O.K.” when we could be seriously mistreated or killed? Can I face the possibility of relinquishing loved ones and being killed by a firing squad, as did one of my heroes, the pastor and theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer? Really? Honestly, yes. Perhaps this is because my family and I have lived through a major crisis – our home is three blocks from the World Trade Center site – and I know from experience that God keeps very close to those in crisis, pain or grief. Of course we have had some genuine fears for the future, from chemical warfare to financial ruin. My desire to participate in what God is building next far outweighs my fears about the future. God’s faithfulness in the past has grown my trust in Him for the future. This is the message I want to convey to my children, and this is what really keeps me smiling.