Dr. Gary Chapman

Connect the Dots with Your Family: Reconciliation by Using the Right Love Languages

Dr. Gary Chapman — Wed, 27 May 2009 09:37:00 -0700

Jennifer's Story: Looking for her Birth Mother

Jennifer, thirty-four, is a never-married single who learned to speak the love languages of her adoptive parents, George and Martha, and her birth mother, Christina—but only after experiencing conflict with all three. The result is an extremely positive and close relationship with her adoptive parents and a loving relationship with her birth mother.

For the first thirteen years of Jennifer’s life, George and Martha provided her with a stable and loving environment. However, when Jennifer turned fourteen, she began to express a desire to find and meet her birth mother. Her adoptive parents strongly opposed this idea. They knew that Jennifer’s mother had been on drugs at the time of her birth and had had multiple sexual partners. They had no reason to believe that she was the kind of person who would have a positive impact on Jennifer’s life.

Jennifer’s reasoning at fourteen had been, “I want to meet my mother. If I don’t like her, then fine, we don’t have to have a relationship. But I want to meet her.” George and Martha resisted Jennifer’s pleas, because they genuinely thought it would not be good for her. The next two years were marked by frequent struggles over this and other matters. By age sixteen Jennifer felt deeply unloved by her adoptive parents and began taking the initiative to find her birth mother. With the help of a friend at school, Jennifer was able to locate her mother and give her a call. Her mother was elated to hear from her, and they arranged to get together.

They had lunch on several occasions and were relating to each other positively (all of this unknown to Jennifer’s adoptive parents). Christina eventually invited Jennifer to her apartment to meet her live-in boyfriend. He was nice to Jennifer, and she liked him.

The Argument and the Lecture

After almost a year, George and Martha discovered what was going on and responded harshly.

“I can’t believe you have done this to us,” Martha said, “after all we have done for you.”

“My mother is not a bad woman, and she loves me,” said Jennifer.

“Then if she loves you so much, why don’t you go live with her?” Martha could not believe what she had just said. “I don’t mean that,” she quickly added. “You don’t need to live with her. She can’t be good for you.” Martha began to cry uncontrollably, and Jennifer walked out of the room.

That night she got a long lecture from her father about how they wanted only what was best for her and had loved her all these years and still loved her. He told Jennifer about her mother’s drug problem and the lifestyle she had lived. “That is why we didn’t want you to have contact with her,” he said.

Jennifer listened. Her only response was, “I know you love me Dad, but I want to have a relationship with my mother. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t just walk away from her now.” George left the room, and Jennifer cried.

Her last year in high school was a troubled one, as Jennifer tried to maintain sporadic contact with Christina without discussing it with her parents. Then she went off to college where life became a lot easier. She was able to have contact with both her parents and her mother. If her parents raised questions about seeing her mother, she simply denied it, and her mother never asked about her adoptive parents. She was just happy to have Jennifer in her life.

At the beginning of Jennifer’s junior year in college, her mother’s boyfriend moved out, and her mother sank into a deep depression. During this time Christina returned to drugs and a year later ended up in a rehabilitation center. Jennifer had little contact with her during that year except an occasional phone call that she initiated and which usually left her in tears. Jennifer began suffering through some depression and went for counseling. During those counseling sessions she was able to work through her feelings of abandonment by her mother and being controlled by her parents.

Learning a Few New Languages

She came to recognize that her birth mother had made the wisest decision possible at that time in her life and that her adoptive parents were sincerely thinking about her best interests when they tried to keep her from making contact with her mother. She intellectually understood what had happened, but she still struggled with feelings of abandonment. “I’m not sure anybody really loves me,” she told her counselor. “Intellectually I know my mother loves me, and I know my parents love me. But emotionally a lot of the time I don’t feel loved by anyone.”

During that session her therapist gave her a copy of The Five Love Languages. “This book was originally written for married couples, helping them learn how to love each other,” the counselor said, “but I want you to read it, because I think it will help you understand the dynamics of love.”

Jennifer read the book and spent several sessions discussing it with her counselor. She came to realize that her own primary love language was words of affirmation. That’s why she was so attracted to her mother when she made initial contact. Her mother gave her so many affirming words. Conversely, that’s why she began to feel unloved by her parents when they opposed the idea of their fourteen year-old daughter making contact with her birth mother. She heard a lot of critical, condemning words from them until she went to college, and things began to level off as they thought she was not seeing her mother.

A year later, after graduating from college and taking a job in her hometown, Jennifer picked up the book and read it again. This time she focused on discovering the love language of her parents and mother. She remembered the long embraces her mother would give her every time she arrived and every time she left. She remembered also that often in conversation Christina would reach over and touch her arm. Jennifer had not always felt comfortable with these embraces and touches, but she knew now that physical touch was her birth mom’s primary love language.

She concluded that her father’s love language was words of affirmation. He had always tried to put a positive spin on things. She never felt as condemned by her dad as by her mother. Even in the worst of times her father would give her affirming words, though often they were negated by his insistence that she not see her mother. Martha’s love language was a little more difficult for Jennifer to discover, but she finally concluded it was acts of service.

Speaking Her Family’s Love Language

With this information, Jennifer began to respond to the three most significant people in her life by speaking their primary love language every time she encountered them. If she heard that Martha was having guests, she would bake cookies. When she visited she always asked, “What can I do to help you while I’m here?” If her adoptive mother didn’t suggest something, she would find something and do it. She began to verbally affirm her father, sometimes in private and sometimes in the presence of her mother. She tried never to leave without having said something positive to him.

When she was with her birth mother, Christina, she entered more fully into the embraces and began taking initiative to put her hand on her mother’s back when she passed her on the couch or to kiss her on the cheek after an embrace.

All three of these relationships began to improve. Jennifer began to receive affirming words and found herself feeling genuinely warm toward Martha in spite of those cutting words that had played in her mind for years: “If she loves you so much, why don’t you go live with her?” Jennifer realized that because words of affirmation was her love language, she had been hurt deeply by this statement. That is why she had been unable to erase it from her mind. But now she was hearing affirming words from Martha, and the record of that distant message began to fade. She always knew Martha loved her, and now she was beginning to feel it.

Later Jennifer shared her story at a national singles conference. It was obvious to me that Jennifer’s sense of well-being was greatly enhanced by developing a loving relationship with all three parents.

Not everyone has had the kinds of struggles Jennifer encountered with her parents. But many single adults have fractured or broken relationships with their parents. The lack of feeling love from their parents leaves them with an emptiness that cannot be filled by academic or vocational success.

The key takeaway is: no matter what has happened between you and your parents, if you will take the initiative to discover their primary love language and begin to speak it, the potential for healing and reconciliation are very real.

On the other hand, you may have a strong, loving relationship with your parents. If so, then discovering their primary love language will simply enhance that relationship.

….and you?
Do you have a healthy relationship with your parents? Are you speaking their primary love language? Do you know your parents love language?

A Dialect of Quality Time: Quality Activities

Dr. Gary Chapman — Thu, 21 May 2009 10:27:53 -0700

The basic love language of quality time has many dialects including: quality activities. At a recent singles event I asked those present to complete the following sentence: “I feel most loved and appreciated by _________ when __________.” They could insert the name of anyone: parent, roommate, coworker, or friend.

One twenty-seven-year-old male inserted the name of his girlfriend and completed the sentence as follows: “I feel most loved by Megan when she and I do things together—things I like to do and things she likes to do. We talk more when we’re doing things. I had never ridden a horse until I met her, and she had never been sailing. I’ve always enjoyed doing things with other people. It’s so neat to be dating someone who is open to trying new things together.”

This young man was revealing that his primary love language is quality time, and the dialect he enjoys most is quality activities. The emphasis is on being together, doing things together, and giving each other undivided attention.

Quality activities may include anything in which one or both of you has an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling: He cares about me, he was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude. That is love, and for some people, it is love’s loudest voice.

Entering into the Other Person’s Interests
Rick grew up on country music. He never actually attended a concert, but the radio was always on and it was always tuned to the country station. For quite some time his dream was to attend the Grand Ole Opry. After he finished high school, he went to the local technical college and trained to be a computer analyst. It was there that he met Jill. Jill had recently moved to his town from Detroit. She was never fond of country music, but she quickly became fond of Rick.

Jill’s dad was an avid car-racing fan, and from her earliest years she had gone to the races with him. When she worked up enough courage to invite Rick to go with her and her dad to a race, she was elated that he accepted. Though he had often watched car races on television Rick had never been to a race,
I had known Rick for a long time. One day shortly after he had been to the race with Jill and her dad, I saw him in the grocery store. He was eager to tell me about the race, but quickly added, “The most exciting thing about the race was being with Jill,” he said. I saw the twinkle in his eye, and I knew that he had feelings for Jill.

Several months later they came in for premarital counseling. One of the first things they shared before we began our session was that the previous weekend they had been to the Grand Ole Opry. It seems that a group from the technical college had gotten together and decided this would be a good way to celebrate the end of the school year. Rick told me about the famous people he had seen, while Jill said, “The most exciting thing for me was being with Rick.” Rick and Jill were demonstrating a fundamental principle. When an activity is to be a means of expressing love, the most important thing will not be the activity, but being with the other person. I was encouraged to see that they were willing to enter into each other’s interests in order to have time together. I hoped that this expression of love would not stop when they got married.

Memories for Years to Come
One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an early morning stroll along the shoreline, the spring they planted the flower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing the rabbit through the woods, the night they attended their first baseball game together, the one and only time they went skiing together and he broke his leg, the amusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and, oh yes, the awe of standing beneath the waterfall after the two-mile hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember. Those are memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality time and whose dialect is quality activities.

Whether it’s a dating relationship or merely a friendship, such quality activities are not always easy to orchestrate. It will take careful planning. It may require you to give up some individual activities. It will mean you do some things that you don’t particularly enjoy, but it will give you the pleasures of loving, entering into another’s world, and learning to speak the love language of quality time.

...And you?

Are you energized when you spend quality time with others, or does it tend to deplete you emotionally?
With whom have you spent quality time this week? Was your time together primarily quality conversation or quality activities?

Brother to Brother: Can't We At Least Be Cordial?

Dr. Gary Chapman — Tue, 19 May 2009 06:52:32 -0700

“My brother and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. I’m one year older than he. I don’t know if it was a fight for superiority or something else. We’re both grown now, but we still don’t have a very close relationship. If I needed help, I wouldn’t turn to him,” Steve told me.

“Do you want to have a better relationship?” I inquired.

“I do,” he said. “We’re brothers. Shouldn’t brothers at least be cordial to each other? I’m not looking to be ‘best buddies’ or anything, but I do wish we could be closer.

“Mom and Dad are getting older, and we’re going to have to deal with taking care of them a few years down the road. With our relationship like it is, I don’t know that we could ever agree on anything. I feel like he still resents me, and I don’t know why. I never tried to lord it over him.”

I agreed with Steve that it was time for him to make an effort to improve their relationship. I talked with him about the importance of emotional love and that all of us have an emotional love tank: “When the love tank is full and we genuinely feel loved by family members, we tend to have positive, growing relationships. But when the love tank is empty and we do not feel loved by family members, barriers tend to develop between us. We tend to view each other in a negative light and can sometimes even be hostile toward each other.”

Moving in the Right Direction

“We’re not openly hostile,” he said, “but it’s definitely not a loving relationship. Tom just got married about two months ago. I don’t know if that’s going to bring us closer together or not.”

“Do you have any idea what your brother’s primary love language is?” I asked. Steve had never heard of the love languages and didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

I proceeded to explain the love languages and that each of us has a primary love language that speaks to us more deeply than the other four. I suggested that love is the most powerful way to improve a relationship.

“How would I discover his primary love language?” Steve asked. “I don’t see him that much.”
I asked Steve several questions about his brother, but his answers shed little light on what his brother’s love language might be. So I suggested that, since Tom was recently married, Steve give him and his new wife a copy of The Five Love Languages, which focuses on how to keep love alive and thriving in a marriage.

“There are two advantages in doing this,” I said. “First, if he and his wife read it, it will enhance their relationship. Secondly, three months after you give them the book, you might ask his wife if she discovered your brother’s primary love language.” His sister-in-law was probably the best source for discovering Tom’s primary love language. Once he got that information from her, he was ready to begin finding ways to speak that love language to Tom. I told him I could almost guarantee that if he started speaking in his brother’s primary love language, the relationship between the two of them would begin to change.

Taking the First Step

I didn’t see Steve again for about six months. When I saw him next, the first thing he said was, “I discovered my brother’s primary language, but I’m having trouble figuring out how to speak it.”

“So, what is his love language?” I asked.

“Acts of service. His wife said they both agreed that was his primary love language. But I see Tom so seldom; how can I do acts of service for him?”

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step,” I said.

“That sounds like philosophy,” Steve said.

“It’s a good philosophy,” I replied. “Would you be willing to try it?”

“Sure, if you will tell me what that one step could be.” Steve nodded.

After talking awhile about his brother’s lifestyle and interests, we agreed that Steve would offer to keep his brother’s dog any weekend that Tom and his new wife wanted to get away. That would definitely be an act of service on Steve’s part and something that his brother was likely to appreciate. Even though Steve and his brother had not been close, it would be a logical and helpful offer for his brother and his new sister-in-law. Steve said, “I’ll try it,” and we parted ways.

About two months passed before I encountered Steve again. This time he said, “I’m scheduled to keep my brother’s dog in three weeks!”

“So he accepted your offer?”

“Yeah, he seemed genuinely appreciative that I was willing to do that.”

“Good, you’re on the road.”

“But how many times can I keep the dog,” he asked, “and how is that going to improve our relationship?”

The Second Mile: Walking the Dog, Fixing the Deck, Etc.

“Remember, your brother’s primary love language is acts of service,” I said. “Anytime you do an act of service, it’s like pouring love into his love tank. As his love tank begins to fill, he is emotionally drawn to the person who is filling it. So if you keep the dog only once a year, that’s like pouring a gallon of love into his love tank. Perhaps he and his wife will take more than one weekend away each year, which may allow for two or three gallons of love.”

“But what else can I do?” Steve asked.

“Tell his wife that if your brother needs help on any projects, you would be happy to help him if she would just give you a ring. Then sit back and wait for the phone to ring,” I said.

“You make it seem so easy.”

“It won’t be easy as it seems when you start helping with the projects,” I said.

I learned later that within the month Steve was helping his brother replace his deck. Before the year was over, he had mowed his brother’s yard twice when he was in the hospital for two weeks, had kept the dog on three weekends, had helped his brother put in a retaining wall for a flower garden, and had dug up some black-eyed Susans from his home garden and transplanted them to his brother’s garden.

Steve told me, “I’ve spent more time with my brother this year than the last fifteen years combined. I feel like we’re getting close again. We haven’t had any deep conversations about the past. It’s just that we both seem more adult, and we’re relating to each other as adults.”

In it for the Long Haul

“Are you ready for the next level?” I asked.

“Is there another level?” Steve replied.

“Invite him and his wife over for a meal,” I said. “You may need your girlfriend’s help for that one.”

“She’s a good cook. We could do that.” His eyes lit up like he had just discovered a new toy. “My brother has never been to my place,” he said.

“I’ll give you another idea,” I said. “Does your brother have any interest in sports?”

“He’s a NASCAR fan,” Steve said, “but he doesn’t go very often. He says the tickets are too expensive, so he watches it on television.”

“Then buy four tickets and take him to a race,” I said.

“Why four?” Steve said.

“Two for your brother and his wife, two for you and your girlfriend,” I said.

“His wife would never go to a NASCAR race, and my girlfriend certainly wouldn’t.”

“Then buy two tickets,” I said. “Just you and your brother together for a whole day. Think about it.”

“That would definitely be a new level,” Steve said.

All these conversations with Steve occurred more than four years ago. He and his brother now have a warm, close, and loving relationship. Steve has a new girlfriend and tells me that he’s thinking seriously about marriage. “Be sure you learn to speak her primary love language before you get married,” I said.

“I’m already speaking it,” he said with a grin.

Steve has demonstrated the power of love to remove barriers and bring family members closer together. Families were designed to be the basic caring unit of society. Learning to speak each other’s primary love language in the family turns this design into a reality.

…and you. Are you ready to enchance your relationships with your siblings? What's your response to the following questions:

1.   List the names of your family members: mother, father, siblings. Using a 0–10 scale (with 0 representing not loved, 5 somewhat loved, and 10 greatly loved), how loved do you feel by each of your family members?
2.   Why did you rate each family member as you did? What factors are contributing to the feelings of love?
3.   What do you think is each family member’s primary love language?
4.   How effective do you think you have been in speaking their primary love languages? Answer the question by listing each family member’s name and writing a number from the 0–10 scale (0 meaning you don’t know it, 5 expressing it occasionally, and 10 consistently speaking the language).

That Love Language Just Isn’t My Style

Dr. Gary Chapman — Fri, 15 May 2009 09:03:52 -0700

The Situation:

Marti, a twenty-four-year-old never-married single, said to me, “I’m just not a ‘touchy-feely’ person. I don’t necessarily enjoy people hugging me, and I certainly don’t initiate hugs to others. I guess it was the way I was brought up. In my family, we loved each other, but we didn’t do much touching.

“The problem is I’m dating a guy that I really like, but he’s complaining because I don’t seem to be interested in kissing and hugging. I don’t mind kissing if I’m really passionate, but hugging every time I see him or holding hands in public just doesn’t seem natural to me.”

I knew that Marti had a sharp learning curve to face, but I hoped that her desire to continue this relationship might stimulate her to learn to speak the love language of physical touch. After I explained the five love languages and that each person has a primary love language, Marti exclaimed, “Well, my primary love language certainly is not physical touch!”

“What is your primary love language?” I inquired.

“I think it’s words of affirmation,” she said. “I really feel good when John tells me how pretty I am or makes some comment about something I’m wearing. Maybe that’s why I’m hurt so deeply when he complains about my failing to take initiative in hugging and kissing. It seemed to me like he was putting too much emphasis on touching. It was as if that’s all that mattered to him. But maybe physical touch is his primary love language.”

I could tell that Marti was going to be a fast learner, so I said, “If physical touch is John’s primary love language, would you like to learn to speak it?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I’m not sure I can ever be a ‘touchy-feely’ person.”

“You don’t have to change who you are,” I said. “But you can learn to speak any of the five love languages, and you can certainly learn to speak the language of physical touch.”

“How do I do that?”

“By trying. Languages are learned one word at a time, or in this case, one touch at a time. Why don’t you begin by hugging your parents the next time you see them?” I suggested.

“You mean, just walk up and hug them?” she asked.

“Yes. Do you think you can do that?”

“I guess so,” she said, “but I don’t know how they will respond.”

The Solution: Learn by Doing

“That really doesn’t matter,” I said. “You are trying to learn to speak the language of physical touch, and you learn by doing. In fact, I am going to suggest that every time you see your parents for the next two months, hug them when you arrive and hug them when you leave. We know that the hugging will not hurt them, and it will certainly help you begin to feel a little more comfortable speaking the love language of physical touch.

“Then you can begin to turn your attention to John. Taking his hand as you leave the car and walk toward the mall may be difficult the first time you do it, but it will come easier the second time. At the end of the evening, initiate a hug and at least a kiss on the cheek. The more often you do this, the more comfortable it will feel.”

Marti seemed a little hesitant, but she said, “OK, I’ll try it and see what happens.”

It was a brief conversation, but I hoped that Marti’s strong motivation to enhance her relationship with John would give her encouragement to try what I had suggested.

The next time I saw Marti, she said, “It’s working. It’s even helping my relationship with my parents. The first time I hugged my mother, it was like hugging a flagpole. Now she is hugging me back.”

“How’s your relationship with John?” I asked.

“It’s going great. I think John really appreciates my taking the initiative in holding hands, hugging, and kissing. And it’s beginning to feel more comfortable for me. John is a great guy.”

“I assume he is giving you words of affirmation,” I said.

“Oh, yes, and no more complaints,” said Marti.

The good news about the five love languages is that all of them can be learned. Thus, you can deepen all your relationships by learning and speaking a person’s primary love language. Becoming fluent in the love language of physical touch also requires that you be sensitive to the desires of the other person. The time, place, and manner in which you touch are all important.

To learn more about the time, place, and manner of physical touch be sure to check out the post titled: “The How and When of Physical Touch.”

The Right Language

Dr. Gary Chapman — Thu, 14 May 2009 08:18:28 -0700

By nature, we tend to speak our own love language. That is, we express love to others in a language that would make us feel loved. But if it is not the primary love language of your spouse or friend, it will not mean to them what it would mean to us.

This is why thousands of couples are frustrated. Sam, a divorced single, said about the woman he is dating: “I don’t understand her. She says she feels like I don’t love her. How could she feel unloved? Every day I tell her that I love her. I also give her compliments every day. I tell her how pretty she is. I tell her what a good mother she is. How could she feel unloved?”

The problem is that her love language is acts of service, not words of affirmation. She’s thinking: If he loved me he would do something to help me. When he comes over, he watches television while I wash the dishes. He never helps me with anything. I’m sick of his words “I love you. I love you.” Words are cheap. If he really loved me, he would do something. I do everything for him; he does nothing for me. This scenario is repeated in thousands of relationships. Each person speaks his own language and does not understand why the other does not feel loved. If we want the other person to feel loved, we must discover and learn to speak his/her primary love language.

Many dating relationships become troubled, especially if the couple dates beyond the two-year obsessive stage of passionate love. Often these couples break up and go their separate ways, not because they would not have made good marital partners, but because they lost the emotional love they had for each other. Often this could have been remedied had they discovered each other’s primary love language and learned to speak it.

Do you know the love language of your close friends, dating partner, or spouse? Encourage them to take The Five Love Languages Profile. And be observant in the following areas:

a. How does he/she most often express love and appreciation to others?
b. What do they request of you most often?
c. What have they complained about recently?

Good Gifts are Different for Everyone

Dr. Gary Chapman — Tue, 05 May 2009 10:36:38 -0700

At age fifty-six, Helen unexpectedly became a single adult again. Only nine months earlier her husband had been killed in a car accident. In an attempt to get her out of the house, a friend invited her to an adult singles meeting where I was speaking.

“I didn’t really want to come to this meeting,” she later told me. “I don’t feel like a single adult. I feel like I’m still married. It’s just that my husband is no longer here. But, I’m glad I came,” she said. “I’ve never heard about love languages. I think I need to apply this in my relationship with my son.”

Helen had one son, Brett, who was now thirty-two. He had married right out of college and divorced two years later. Since then, he lived alone and only sporadically made contact with his parents. However, since the death of his dad, he came around more often, and Helen was hoping they could have a closer relationship. “I think I need to discover his love language,” Helen said. I suggested she give Brett a chance to show his love language by responding to the following statement: “Since your dad has died, we’re the only two left. You have been so helpful to me these last few months, I’d like to do something to show you how much I appreciate what you have done. What can I do?”

Later, I got a letter from Helen: “I have now discovered Brett’s love language. It is clearly acts of service.” His response to his mom’s initial inquiry was “Mom, the greatest thing you could do for me would be to sew some buttons back on my shirts. I must have a dozen shirts that are missing buttons. I know you’ve got a drawer full of buttons in there. Maybe you could find some that would match and make the shirts functional again.”

“A dozen turned out to be fifteen,” said Helen, “and I’ve also sewn buttons on six trousers and four coats. Recently, he asked me if I would like to come over and show him how to get stains out of his carpet. I feel like he’s letting me back into his life again. I don’t want to be too aggressive, so I’m only responding to specific requests that he makes. But I can tell he’s appreciative of what I’m doing. I feel like I’m speaking his love language.”

Experiment a Little Bit
Another way to go about discovering someone’s primary love language is to try a few different things and see what works. Since you don’t know the person’s primary language, and perhaps are not close enough to formulate a sincere question, you simply focus a period of time expressing one of the five love languages and observe how the person responds. For example, you might take a week and focus on positive words, making it your goal to speak at least one affirming word to the person each day. The next week you give the person one or two small tokens of appreciation as gifts. It could be a five-dollar Starbucks gift card or a funny card you picked out with her in mind.

The following week you try to have at least one extended conversation with the person—speaking the love language of quality time. Then the next week you focus on finding something you could do for the individual, hopefully something you have heard her mention that she would like someone to do for her. The last week you give her affirming, appropriate touches (“appropriate” would obviously depend upon the nature of the relationship).

The week you are speaking the person’s primary love language you will observe a difference in his or her response to you. Their eyes will light up, they’ll seem to be more appreciative than normal, and they may even write you a note expressing appreciation for what you have said or done.

It takes time, effort, and thought to discover another person’s primary love language. But if you want to be effective in communicating love and appreciation, then it is time well invested. Learning to speak another person’s primary love language is the key to communicating to them on an emotional level that you care about their well-being. In the next chapter we will discuss how this information can enhance family relationships.

…and you?
Make a list of the significant people in your life. If you know their primary love language, write it beside their name. If not, then using the ideas in this post, plan your strategy to discover it.

Special Preview: Chapter One

Dr. Gary Chapman — Tue, 05 May 2009 10:27:02 -0700

CHAPTER ONE
SINGLE ADULTS: SIGNIFICANT AND GROWING

IF YOU’RE READING THIS BOOK, chances are you’re either single or know someone who is. More than four of every ten American adults are single—88.5 million Americans.1 In fact, the United States has more single adults than any other nation in the world except China and India.2

Of course, it wouldn’t be accurate to lump all single adults into the same group. There are at least five very different categories of single adults. The largest numbers of singles are those who have never been down the aisle (those to whom this book is largely directed), but the other four groups also command our attention. Here are the five groups:

1.   Never married. Age eighteen and older, this group is 49 million strong. The median age of a first marriage has risen to twenty-five among women and twenty-seven among men. This means that, in the general population among people eighteen to twenty-four, almost nine out of ten (87 percent) have never been married.3

2.   Divorced. Today, at any one time, 10 percent of all adults are divorced.4 Over time, however, many more married adults suffer through a divorce. Within five years of the wedding, 20 percent of all marriages end in divorce. Within ten years, one-third of all couples will be divorced, and within fifteen years, 43 percent will be divorced.5

3.   Separated but not divorced. These are individuals who are still legally married but no longer live under the same roof. In lifestyle they are more single than married. The separated status, however, is temporary. These individuals will either reconcile with their spouses or go on and formalize their separation by legal divorce. Research indicates that 97 percent of white women (and 75 percent of non-white women) who separate from their husbands end up divorced within five years of the separation.6

4.   Widowed. Widowhood is definitely gender biased. Four out of five adults who are single because of the death of their spouse are females. Nearly half of all women sixty-five and older are widowed, compared to only 14 percent of men over sixty-five.7

5.   Single parents. One hundred years ago, fewer than 1% of adults was a single parent of a child under eighteen. Today there are more than twelve million single parents with children under eighteen in their care—almost one out of every three families.8 Obviously, many single parents are also divorced. But a growing number of single parents have never been married. Among those who are single moms, 40 percent were never married to the father of their children.9 Thus a growing number of never-married singles are also single parents.

DIVERSE YET UNITED
Clearly, single adults are a very diverse group of people. However, they are still united by those factors that hold all of us together as humans. Everyone wrestles with values, morals, relationships, and meaning. If you are a single adult, just like everyone else, you’re seeking to understand yourself and your place in the world. At the heart of these pursuits is the need as an unmarried person to give and receive emotional love.

No matter which category you may or may not fall into, as a single adult, you want to feel loved by the significant people in your life. You also want to believe that others need your love. Giving and receiving love is at the center of every single adult’s sense of well-being. If you feel loved and needed, you can survive the pressures of life. But without love, life can become exceedingly bleak.

THE MAN WITH THE METAL HALO
I first met Rob on one of my trips to the Grand Canyon (one of nature’s most beautiful portraits). On the south rim of the canyon, somewhere near the Bright Angel Trail, I spotted Rob and two older adults. He wasn’t hard to spot, because he was wearing a back brace with a metal halo that circled his head. I gave him a friendly nod and a smile, my way of saying hello.

Rob responded, “Hello, I hope you’re having a good morning.” His inviting smile beckoned me into conversation. I discovered that he had suffered spinal injuries in a hiking accident. The older couple was his mom and dad.

The three had planned a family trip to the Grand Canyon two years earlier. The first year money was a problem, so they postponed their dream. Then Rob had his accident and they couldn’t leave home. Now that Rob was doing somewhat better, they had come to see the canyon. When the family originally planned the trip, they intended to hike to the foot of the canyon. Their dream had been altered but not destroyed. So they planned to spend the week enjoying the sights of the canyon.
Rob wheeled his chair into position for a great view of the trail and canyon, and he and his parents were soaking in the fabulous view. I commended them for not giving up on their dream and wished them well.

My son and I continued our week together exploring the canyon. Toward the end of the week I ran into Rob in the lobby of the Bright Angel Lodge. Because of our earlier encounter, it seemed I was seeing an old friend. We ended up talking for two hours. Rob shared his story about the fall that resulted in his injuries and the determined efforts of the rescue workers who flew him out by helicopter. He told me about the pain and the emotional struggle of those early days when he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to walk again. He had a number of brushes with depression, had lost a new job opportunity, and spent many weeks in physical therapy.

When I asked what had enabled him to come through that experience and still have such a vibrant spirit, his answer was simple. “Love,” he said. “That’s the only way I could have made it. Mom and Dad were with me through the whole thing, and I had a girlfriend...not a romantic relationship, but a close friend who came to see me every day in those early weeks. I don’t think I would have made it without her. She brought me hope. She encouraged me in my therapy, and she prayed with me. I had never had a girl pray with me before. There was something about the way she talked to God that gave me hope. Her words were like rain on my parched emotions.

“We’re still good friends. Her love and the love of my folks brought me through.”

Then Rob added, “I hope someday I can help someone else the way they have helped me.”

THE POWER OF LOVE
Rob is a living example—both of the power of love and the single adult’s deep need to love and be loved. Love is the fundamental building block of all human relationships. It will greatly impact our values and morals. I am also convinced that love is the most important ingredient in the single’s search for meaning.

That is why I feel compelled to write this book on the five love languages. What you will read in the following pages has the potential to enhance every area of your life. Reading this book will require time, but I assure you that it will be time well invested. You have likely invested time in learning the language of technology, right? Things like text messaging, searching the Internet, social networking… If so, you have reaped the benefits. Unfortunately, most single adults (and most people in general) know more about these things than they do about love. The reason for this is obvious: they have spent more time perfecting technology and less time studying love.

SOMETHING’S MISSING
I agree with Professor Leo Buscaglia, who said:

Psychologists, psychiatrists, sociologists, anthropologists and educators have suggested in countless studies and numerous research papers that love is a “learned response, a learned emotion.” . . . Most of us continue to behave as though love is not learned but lies dormant in each human being and simply awaits some mystical age of awareness to emerge in full bloom. Many wait for this age forever. We seem to refuse to face the obvious fact that most of us spend our lives trying to find love, trying to live in it and dying without ever truly discovering it.10

I have invested the past thirty plus years of my life in helping people discover how to emotionally connect with each other—how to actively give and receive love, not passively wait for it to somehow magically happen. I can say with confidence to all singles—whether never married, once married, or married several times—that if you will read and apply the information given in the following chapters, you will discover how to give and receive love more effectively. You will discover the missing ingredient in some of your past relationships, and you will learn how to build wholesome, supportive relationships by learning to speak other people’s primary love language and better understand your own primary love language.

Much of the pain in broken relationships in our world stems from the truth that many of us in Western culture have never been serious students of love. We haven’t really taken it seriously enough to learn how it actually works. In the following pages you will meet dozens of single adults from all categories and all ages who have discovered that a proper understanding of love really does have the potential to change the world—and, more succinctly, to change individual relationships.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
1.   To what degree do you feel loved by the significant people in your life?
2.   In a time of need, have you experienced the love of a friend like the one Rob described: “I don’t think I would have made it without her”? If so, how did your friend show his or her love?
3.   Have you been a friend to someone in need? How did you express your love?
4.   How successful have you been in giving and receiving emotional love?
5.   How interested are you in studying the nature of love and learning new ways to express love?

To purchase a copy of The Five Love Languages Singles Edition visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

PLEASE NOTE: THIS HAS BEEN REPRODUCED WITH PERMISSION FROM NORTHFIELD PUBLISHING/ MOODY PUBLISHERS.

Express Yourself: Words of Affirmation

Dr. Gary Chapman — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 10:23:18 -0700

One way to express love is by giving words of affirmation; the key to expressing this love language is simply: Choose a strategy for loving or expressing love.

Here’s one strategy I suggest. Start with your parents. The next time you call home, when you end the conversation with your mom or your dad, end it by saying, ‘I love you, Mom’ or ‘I love you, Dad.’ OK? Their response doesn’t matter. The important thing is that you are taking the initiative to express words of affirmation to them, and your strategy is using the telephone to do this.

After you do this the first time, it will be easier to repeat it the second time and the third. For the next three months I want to encourage you to end every phone conversation to your folks with the words ‘I love you.’ At the end of three months I want you to add another statement. After ‘I love you, Dad,’ I want you to add the words ‘I appreciate what you have done for me through the years,’ and use the statement with your mother. Use these statements for the second three months.

It’s all about verbalizing the truth. Words of affirmation are simply true statements affirming the worth of another person.

I challenge you to try this, I can almost guarantee you that before six months is over both of your parents will begin to give you affirming words as well. You are not doing it in order to get their affirmation; you’re doing it because you choose to love them. But the fact is, love stimulates love, and you are choosing to take the initiative rather than to wait for them to take the initiative.

The great thing about words of affirmation is that they can also be applied everyone including your: friends, co-workers, girlfriends/boyfriends. Set a goal of giving a verbal affirmation to someone with whom you work at least once a week for the next three months. A good place to start is making a list. Write down why you appreciate them and don't forget to note their positive character traits. Include the little things they do on a regular basis such as making coffee every day at work. Make a list for everyone you encounter regular basis. When was the last time you thanked the janitor? Express your love and gratitude by choosing words of affirmation.

Siblings: Built-in Friends?

Dr. Gary Chapman — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 08:56:45 -0700

Relationships with siblings are often colored by the events of childhood and adolescence. The nature of the relationship in earlier years influences the relationship as adults. This influence may be positive or negative. If the relationship is positive, then it can only be enhanced by discovering the primary love language of your siblings and speaking that language regularly. If the negative influences of childhood linger into adulthood, then nothing has more potential for healing the hurts of the past than expressing love in the sibling’s primary love language.

Brianna’s Freckles
Brianna was a redheaded, freckle-faced, beautiful single gal who said to me, “When I was growing up, my brother, who is two years older than I, always kidded me about my freckles. He nicknamed me Freckles and introduced me to all his friends by this name. I never liked it, but I didn’t make a big deal of it. I would just say, ‘My name is Brianna,’ and let it go at that. He still introduces me that way even now that we are both grown.”

“It’s not a big deal, but...”

“It’s not a big deal, but I don’t like it. I wish he would just call me Brianna.”

“Have you ever told him?” I asked
.
“Not since we were in high school,” she said. “I mentioned it a couple of times, but it didn’t do any good. Other than that we have a good relationship.”

“Do you have any idea what your brother’s primary love language is?”

“I think it is quality time,” she said. “He’s always coming around and wanting to talk with me, especially if he’s dating someone new. He wants my advice on how to respond, what to say. He knows he can always get a glass of tea and sandwich at my place. He’ll come by and we’ll talk.”

“So, do you freely give him your time?” I asked.

“Usually,” she said, “though sometimes I have errands to run, and I tell him to make himself at home and I’ll be back later. He’ll take a nap or watch TV, and we’ll pick up our conversation when I get back.”

“Do you think your brother genuinely feels loved by you?” I asked.

“I certainly hope so,” she said. “Absolutely, if quality time is his love language; I give him a lot of quality time.”

“And do you feel loved by your brother?”

“Oh, yes,” she said. “My love language is words of affirmation. He’s always telling me how smart I am and how much he appreciates my advice.”

“Sounds like you have a pretty healthy relationship,” I said, “but it would be improved if he would stop calling you Freckles, right?”

She laughed and said, “Yes.”

The Big Request
“Then would you be willing to try an experiment with me?” I asked
.
“If you think it will help, I’ll try anything,” she said.

“One night when you are with your brother, tell him that you’ve been reading a book on communicating love to family members and that you want to ask him a question. The question is this: On a scale of zero to ten, how much do you feel I love you as a sister? If he gives you an eight, nine, or ten, which I am assuming he will, then ask him how much he loves you on a scale of zero to ten. If he gives you a high rating, then tell him you really believe what he says and you sense his love. Therefore, you have one request that would make you feel even more loved.

“Ask him if he would be open to hearing your request. If he says yes (how could he not say yes?), then you simply say, ‘I want you to stop introducing me as Freckles. You can call me Freckles if you want to when we are alone, but please don’t ever call me Freckles again in public. Just introduce me as your sister, Brianna.’

“He will likely be shocked when you make your request, because he probably has no idea that this still bothers you, but he needs to know. And if he knows, my guess is he’ll change, and you will feel even more loved by him.”

“Just that straightforward?” she asked. Before I could answer, she said, “That might be hard. I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want him to think I’m silly.”

“Is it important to you that he stop introducing you as Freckles?” I asked.

“It really is,” she said.

“Then give him a chance. He can’t read your mind. It’s not silly, and you won’t hurt him by asking. You’ll be giving him the information he needs to express love to you more effectively.”
“I’ll try it,” she said, and she walked away.

Six months later I got a letter from Brianna. It was a simple letter. At the top was the sketch of a face filled with freckles. Beneath it were these words: “It worked. My brother was very responsive, hasn’t introduced me as Freckles in six months. Thanks, Brianna.”

Brianna demonstrates a significant principle. If siblings feel loved, they are far more likely to respond to a sincere request. Inasmuch as Brianna was already speaking her brother’s primary love language and he already felt loved by her, the simple request was all it took for him to deal with an issue that was important to her, one about which he had not given serious thought in years.

If, on the other hand, her brother had not felt loved by her, she probably would have gotten a different response. When siblings feel unloved, they are likely to take any request as a demand, and their response will be predictably negative. Again, feeling loved makes the difference in the way a person responds to a legitimate request.

...and you?

When was the last time you spoke with your sibling? Do you know what their primary love languaguage is? Are you using thier love languages as a tool to enhance your relationship?

A Daters Guide to Gift Giving: Evaluating the Response

Dr. Gary Chapman — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 08:16:56 -0700

In a dating relationship, you must also be sensitive to the way your partner responds to gifts. Because of their cost or perceived meaning, certain types of gifts may not be readily accepted by the one you love. At a singles conference in the mountains of North Carolina, Josh approached me after a lecture on the five love languages with a perplexing question. “I believe in all five love languages, but what if you try to speak a love language and your dating partner is not willing to accept it?” he asked.

“Could you give me an example?” I requested.

“Well, I’ve been dating this girl for three months. I’m really excited about her. Samantha’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. I wanted her to know how much I cared about her, so I bought her a really expensive gift. But when I gave it to her, she said, ‘I cannot accept this. I just don’t feel right about it.’ I was devastated,” he said.

“I still don’t understand,” he continued. “I really wanted her to have it.”

“I think I know why she rejected the gift,” I said, “but I’m not sure you will want to hear it.”

“Oh, I want to hear it,” he said. “I really do.”

“OK,” I said, “here’s my guess. I think the two of you have different ideas about the current level of your relationship. It is obvious to me that you are very interested in Samantha. You said that she is the most wonderful girl you have ever met. The fact that you would buy her such an expensive gift indicates how deeply you feel about her.”

Josh was nodding his head in affirmation. So I continued, “The problem is that Samantha views the relationship differently. She obviously has an interest in the relationship or she would not be dating you, but she is not as far along as you. In her mind, it is too early in the relationship to be receiving such expensive gifts. She doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression. She doesn’t feel that the relationship has reached the level where she would feel comfortable in receiving such a gift as an expression of your love. Therefore, you must accept this and respect her wishes.”

There was a long pause, and then Josh said, “You’re right. I don’t want to hear that, but I think you’re right. I love her so much and I wanted to do something really nice for her. But I guess I’ll have to give it more time and hope that she will come to love me as much as I love her.”

I nodded and said, “Six months from now when Christmas rolls around you might test the waters before you purchase the gift. You could say something like this: ‘I want to do something really nice for you this holiday, but I don’t want to surprise you. Would you be willing to accept________(name the gift) as an expression of my love for you? No strings attached. I just want you to know that I love you.’ If she says yes, you will know the relationship has matured. If she says no, then the relationship is in trouble.”

“I’ll do it,” he said, “and I hope by then she will receive it.”

Josh learned an important lesson: You cannot force someone to accept an expression of love. You can only offer it. If it is not accepted, you must respect the other person’s decision.

...and you?
How often do you give gifts to those you love and care for? What is the last gift you gave and to whom did you give it? If you enjoy receiving gifts, from whom would you most like to receive one? Would it be appropriate for you to give this person a gift this week?