Sometimes I wonder how Falling felt? Like in the Garden…like when Eve consciously chose what she’d been told not to…by God*? What did it sound like, or look like? Did her appearance changed when death was born? Did Adam scream at his lover’s choice, or maybe Creation screamed? Maybe everything went silent? Maybe prior to the picking, life all organic and orgasmic and wholly real?

It may be too simplistic to say anything of God is real, and anything not of God is unreal (or sin). But I think it’s at least fair to say “reality” is quintessential to the Garden of Eden. Whereas “unreality” is the alluring trigger that launches our fictitious quests. It bequeaths our palates to satisfactions other than God, meaning just God no longer satisfies our plates**. And enhancements by the forbidden make me feel most like my Maker***. Because of the Fall, what’s actually real feels farfetched. And what’s actually an illusion seems a worthwhile reality. Especially for we churchy folks, delusional states often feel more preferable to that which is true.

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We are afraid of emptiness. Spinoza speaks about our "horror vacui," our horrendous fear of vacancy. We like to occupy-fill up-every empty time and space. We want to be occupied. And if we are not occupied we easily become preoccupied; that is, we fill the empty spaces before we have even reached them. We fill them with our worries, saying, "But what if ..."

It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen. It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance. God wants to dwell in our emptiness. But as long as we are afraid of God and God's actions in our lives, it is unlikely that we will offer our emptiness to God. Let's pray that we can let go of our fear of God and embrace God as the source of all love.

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My greatest war is the war against my own heart. I don’t lie because I want to; I lie because I’m not accustomed to spaces I can trust. I don’t cheat because I dislike my current state; I cheat because I dislike myself. I don’t steal because I need something; I steal because I don’t know what I have. I don’t kill because I hate them; I kill because I hate me. I like to be polished on the outside and lend no hint of needing help. On the rare occasions of one too many Merlots, or a trustworthy late-night chat, you might barrow my flimsy walls. And once there, you inevitably find needs, pleas, and most notably, me. Rarely will I let one in by choice though. “It feels too weak, or isn’t worthy of your time. When you ask if you can pray for me, I’ll go on to convince you to focus elsewhere…God has to handle everyone else’s problems, right? (Plus inner dialogue of, “What would they think if they actually knew what I was thinking)?” In short, in my weakest states, I hide. I hide my thirsts, inabilities and insecurities, thereby protecting myself from ever being truly seen, heard, or known.

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The Lenten season begins. It is a time to be with you, Lord, in a special way, a time to pray, to fast, and thus to follow you on your way to Jerusalem, to Golgotha, and to the final victory over death.

I am still so divided. I truly want to follow you, but I also want to follow my own desires and lend an ear to the voices that speak about prestige, success, pleasure, power, and influence. Help me to become deaf to these voices and more attentive to your voice, which calls me to choose the narrow road to life.

I know that Lent is going to be a very hard time for me. The choice for your way has to be made every moment of my life. I have to choose thoughts that are your thoughts, words that are your words, and actions that are your actions. There are not times or places without choices. And I know how deeply I resist choosing you.

Please, Lord, be with me at every moment and in every place. Give me the strength and the courage to live this season faithfully, so that, when Easter comes, I will be able to taste with joy the new life that you have prepared for me.

Amen.

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Just opened a daily email reflection from Henri Nouwen, sharing on 1 Corinthians 15 and how if the resurrection wasn’t a reality, Jesus is a waste of our time. Restoration, in other words, is a waste of our belief. If the words of God are true, though, it is always His will to restore all things, even in things and scenes and circumstances we cannot understand. It is always in His will to make new, writing restoration into every waking moment of our existence. But I don’t believe this right now. Heartbreak and pain seem far more tangible.

Talked with a friend who’s serving in a remote village with a lifespan of approximately sixteen. Then passed a homeless child and his mother looking cold and fatigued on run-down street-corner. Then thought of the webs of pain, confusion and hurt clinging to family and friends this hour. Then tuned-out, finding more comfort in my overcast window and steam brewing from my tea, than attempting to understand God.

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A.W. Tozer said, “What comes to our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us." Based on some recent experiences, I’d like to pose the following question: "What do we think comes to God’s mind when He thinks about, or sees us?"

Some of my favorite minutes of the week have become a Sunday evening Compline service, held from 9-9:30pm at an old Episcopalian church in town. The candlelit ambiance is quiet, dark and patient. Voices sing from a choir-pit above, and a stain-glass window of Christ peers from ahead. At one point congregants stand, but otherwise, it’s an entirely passive thirty minutes, whereby aside from showing-up and staying open to how I’m experiencing God and myself, nothing is asked of me. That’s the good news.

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Consider the following conversation with a college student recently:

“So what’s going on with you spiritually?” I asked through the steam of two cups of coffee.
“You know, I’m doing okay, but really struggling in a certain area.”
At which point the coming minutes became relatively predictable.
“Hmm,” I said, trying to remain at height with the conversation, “would you feel comfortable unpacking the struggle a little more?”
“Yeah…I guess…I mean, I think a lot of people struggle with it, too…it’s just that, well, I don’t really know what to do about it. Like…I don’t really know why it’s so bad lately.”
“Well,” I said, seeing shame embodied before me, “let’s try to at least get this “it” on the table, and then maybe we’ll go from there.”
“Okay…well, it’s just this problem with…lust…I think about the opposite sex and sex and just lustful stuff all the time.”
“Okay,” I said, “talk to me about those thoughts a little more.”
“Ummm, I don’t know what else to say…it’s just like really bad and really gross.”
At this point the student became more frustrated at the “it,” or the self, or something of the two. “It’s like I can’t get lustful thoughts out of my head. And they come-up at random times, like while I’m trying to study, or watch TV, or even trying to pray!?”
“Seems like God is unveiling a lot here. Thank you for being willing to talk about it. It’s clearly been burdening you a lot.”
“Yeah…yeah, it really has,” the student said, looking down at the table. “I hate it. And I hate me when I hate it. And I can’t imagine how God would want anything to do with this—and definitely me in this.”

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In Christ:

I am accepted:
John 1:12 I am God’s child
John 15:15 I am Christ’s friend
Romans 5:1 I have been justified
1 Corinthians 6:17 I am united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit
1 Corinthians 6:20 I have been bought with a price – I belong to God
1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ’s body
Ephesians 1:1 I am a saint
Ephesians 1:5 I have been adopted as God’s child
Ephesians 2:18 I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit
Colossians 1:14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins
Colossians 2:10 I am complete in Christ

I am secure:
Romans 8:1,2 I am free from condemnation

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