The apologist’s profession had a noble beginning, defined from the Greek as “speaking in defense.” These heroes of the faith storm into the halls of the damned, defending the faith by picking fights in Berkeley. Yes, they get a lot of press. They are often sought after for their opinions, as the Christian faith encounters new and unsavory elements of the unsaved.

But what does it take to be a Christian apologist these days? It seems like they are popping up all over the place, writing blogs and books. They become authoritative by using that old name, “apologist,” but what do they actually need to know to take that hallowed title? For all those aspiring storm troopers of the faith, I give you:

The three top things to remember if you are a Christian apologist!

First, you make your living through controversy.

Like old time ambulance chasers, you always have to be on the lookout for “issues” that people are upset about. Evolution, homosexuality, exploitation of Presidential candidates, whatever. Once you get a volatile and excitable issue, you are set! Before it dies down, write a blog, a book, whatever. Milk it hard, baby, ‘cause you don’t know when the next ambulance will come around the corner! If you prefer to be proactive, forget it. Nobody cares about what they are not currently upset about. The issue needs to be something people are living in fear of, like democrats.

Second, polarization is your best friend.

You, my little Apologist, must love polarization like your sweet mother loves visits on Christmas. In fact, without it, you don’t really have much of a purpose. Just like democrats feed off of not being republicans, conservative apologists feed off of not being liberal. The more you split people on an issue, the more secure you are in your job. Hey, you have kids to feed!

If there is not a public issue you can polarize, then create one. Evolution is always good, and you can call it “Darwinism” if you want to get the older crowd. So, if nothing scary is happening, just take a nice deep breath and holler “EVOLUTION!” It’s like shouting “marijuana” at a jam-packed Third Day concert; it will get them every time!  

Third, rhetoric is your only tool.

Blah blah blah. Actions don’t matter, just words. Very little needs to be done, because what can you actually do? I mean, what can any apologist actually do about evolution? Heck, you probably never even studied science! But as the good book says, science doesn’t matter, just theology. Anyway, always remember that because you are an “apologist” you can be an expert on anything! If someone questions your words, just tell them you are an apologist. If they persist, tell them they are a liberal. Even if they don’t shut up, no one else in the church will listen to them.

So, there you have it. If you lost your job in the building industry because of the housing implosion, don’t worry, become an apologist! If you want to write a book, but have no idea what to write, become an apologist! You can make a living by doing nothing, just start arguments, and if you get pushed into a dirty corner by someone who knows what they are talking about, just shout “I’m an apologist!”